[Insert some witty title here]

As if the past week wasn't exciting enough, the Provera finally did it's job and cycle day 1 started on Tuesday. I called and refilled my prescription for the Femara and decided to check on the two remaining refills I have. My doctor was kind enough to write me 5 prescriptions of the Femara total, and since I've met my deductible for this year (with my insurance), I wanted to see if I could fill all remaining prescriptions. You see, I only pay $7 per round right now. Unfortunately, I waited to long and will only be able to get one more prescription filled before the end of the year; on the 31st exactly! If this round, and that round fail, the next one I buy in 2012 will cost us $186. Hopefully that dollar sign is motivation to my ovaries to GET STUFF DONE. haha.
Anyways, cycle day 3 hit yesterday, so I started my first dose of the Femara. As usual, Curtis is just starting his graveyard shift, so I'm all by my lonesome with only my crazy pills and Netflix to keep me company. Well, that's not true. I do have two cute little German Shepherd puppies to keep me company. I'm not sure if I told you, but the day after my Pop passed, my female German Shepherd (we have a male and a female), Ava, had puppies. We knew she was pregnant, as I found them stuck together outside one day, and as luck would have it, she went in to labor almost right after we left town. Thankfully my brother-in-law and his girlfriend were able to hold down the fort until Curtis got back. She only had two, thank God, but they are two of the cutest puppies I've ever seen! I'm fighting getting too attached to them, as we know we don't want four or even three full grown GSD's to feed, but it's so hard when they are just.so.adorable! So while they are at the house, keeping me busy with letting them out to go to the bathroom and feeding/weaning them, I am keeping as much distance as I can. They turned 6 weeks old today, so when I get off work it'll be time for their shots. And while we wanted to keep them until they were 8 weeks, they are getting to be quite the handful and seem to be able to make it just fine without Mama, so they may be able to go to new homes a bit sooner.

Then to top it all off with a big, fat cherry, Curtis and I are completely sick. I started it by coming home from the family fiasco with my sister's cold and it's just working its way around our house. I'm downing vitamin c like nobody's business, hoping that this wears off before New Year's day. Who wants to start out a year alone with a cold? Yea, Curtis is working New Year's night. I swear, fate, Mother Nature, God, whomever!, has just decided that every round of Femara is torture time for Lindsay. It always happens on graveyard! Ugh.
Anyways, enough of my ranting and complaining. Ultrasound is scheduled next Friday at a new doctor's office since my office's u/s tech is out. If all goes well, I could be getting my trigger shot that day! Two days before Curtis' next graveyard shift begins. UGH. Do you know how unromantic it is to spend the hour and 15 minutes I have with him on graveyard days with a pillow under my butt, legs in the air, naked as a jaybird? Trust me it's not.

Now I know this post is getting long, but bare with me (is it bare? or bear? Heck if I know). If you've been reading this blog since the beginning, or even jumped in somewhere in the middle, I thank you. The support from friends and in-laws has been inspiring and so wonderful. I seriously love each and every one of you. 2011 was quite the year for me. I swear it flew by, yet I feel like we accomplished so much in that short time. I lost the greatest man I knew and was diagnosed with infertility. My stepson was taken across the country and we spent money we were saving for a family vacation on a lawyer instead. But in the midst of all this negative, Curtis and I grew closer than ever before. I don't think my relationship has ever been as solid as it feels now. I made friends and grew closer to people I never would've imagined, some whom I've never even met!, seem closer to me now than my own family. So while I can't wait for 2012, I can say I'll never forget 2011. It was a real turning point for me. And I hope that all of you have fond memories of 2011 that you can look back on. I wish you all a Happy New Year and I'll see you all on the other side of 2012! Here's to new beginnings!

Mommy dearest

I think I can officially say that I just had the WORST.CHRISTMAS.EVER. Seriously. Why, you ask? Oh, let me count the ways:

• Christmas Eve: my mother makes it a point to get excited and ask my step-brother why he and his GIRLFRIEND aren't trying to have kids. Scowls each time I talk about my infertility. 
• Christmas Day: While watching The Help, seeing the part when Celia has her third miscarriage and plants a tree over the baby, my brother makes the comment, "She can't have kids, she's useless." 
• My other brother makes a comment about the excessive amount of hair on my arms. I explain to him that it's due to the fact that I have more testosterone than other women. I try to make a joke about my beard and shaving. He makes the most disgusted face when looking at me, like it's my fault. 
• My father later makes the comment to Curtis, "Go find a chick on the side. I bet she can have kids."
• Day after Christmas, at breakfast: My mother finally starts to speak out that she doesn't believe in infertility and that we shouldn't be trying anyways. We're too young. I bring up what she said to my brother and his GIRLFRIEND. She mocks my hurt feelings saying, "Why do you take it so personally? Oh, poor wittle windsey...". I ignore her and cry in the car on the way to my Nana's house. 
• We meet my mother for shopping, with my Nana, my sister and my brother's girlfriend in tow. My sister and I get in to an argument ( I called her a cunt. I'm not proud of it. I later apologized, but we're still not talking) and I call Curtis to come get me. I'm going home. My mother calls me and we get in to a huge fight. 
• She admits that she thinks my infertility is just for show and sympathy. It's not real and we don't really want a baby. 
• She admits that she blames me for the fact that her and my Pop were not as close as they used to be because I manipulated him when I was younger.
• She "apologizes" for the infertility, I accept, and the conversation ends.
• I call my Nana to let her know I made it home safe, she relays that my mother told her while I was out of ear-shot, while we were shopping, that she basically believes I'll be a bad mom anyways. Because it's MY fault my stepson doesn't like reading and isn't very good at it. It's MY fault he doesn't excel in school. Because I should be a goddamn SUPER PARENT from 2,500 miles away. When every single time we've told her we're trying for full custody, SHE talks us out of it. Now, it's MY fault that James is lackluster in school. Why even try to have children of MY OWN, when they'll basically be stupid and I'll basically suck at being their mother. 

So tell me, how was YOUR Christmas? 

Let's get it started!

So, today I called Nurse C back and let her know that the pregnancy test I took last night was negative. She sounded realllll shocked*. Since Dr. M (my fantabulous doctor**) was in the office today, Nurse C was able to call me back in a matter of minutes. They are apparently calling in a script of Provera for me to jump start my period. Once AF rears her ugly face I am to stop the Provera (if in the middle of the 10 day dosage), then call the office. She did note, however, that I could potentially not see AF for up to 10 days after the 10 day dosage, but I'm to check in with her next Friday. I guess the office will be closed for a bit after Christmas and they may need to call me in some referrals (ultrasounds, bloodwork, etc.) before they leave.

Looks like I know what I'm getting for Christmas this year...




*Dripping with sarcasm if you can't tell.
**I seriously have such an awesome doctor and nursing staff. I adore every single one of them...even the billing department!

My doctor must think I'm a glutton for punishment

As I told you in the last post, my progesterone tests came back level 1 as opposed to the normally accepted level 3. As part of my previous protocol, if 14 days after my positive opk came without sight of Aunt Flo, I was supposed to take a pregnancy test. As luck would have it, day 14 was Saturday. So yesterday, I called my doctors office and asked them if they still wanted me to take a pregnancy test. While, yes, we were on day 16 of no sign of AF, I felt it silly to get my hopes up and take a pregnancy test with my progesterone levels so low. I wanted to the doctor to guide me...telling me to either take one or read the blood work as basically a no-way-in-hell-you're-pregnant-cause-you-basically-didn't-ovulate-stupid. Today the nurse, whom I'm finally remembering is named Nurse C, called me back and relayed the doc's message :

"With your progesterone level at 1 instead of a 3, we cannot be confident that you ovulated. BUT, we would like you to take a pregnancy test tonight, just to be sure. Then call us back tomorrow." 

Sure thing Doc. Apparently, you must not be aware that every stick I pee on, and subsequently receive the glaring negative from, is in fact a punch to the stomach each time. Yeaaaa, it fucking blows. I've now decided that I'm going to try and see that little non-two-pink-lines-result as a positive thing. From now on that negative will remind me that for the next few days I have free reign on Happy Hour without feeling any ounce of guilt. I've heard of this new Skinny Girl Sangria? That damnable little stick just gave me the green light to down a whole bottle before deciding if I like it. Hell, maybe I'll buy two different flavors and see how good BOTH of them are. Lush Lindsay, appearing for duty!!
I guess, now since my body has decided to not ovulate either, it's back to the drawing board with my doc. I figure you guys can just start calling me Murphy. Anything that can, will go wrong...especially with my shoddy reproductive system.

Plan A revision B (round 1 failure)

I went back in to the archives and realized that you guys have not been updated on how our first round with Femara is going. Well...not so good. 

As you know, the last day of Femara (day 5) happened to fall on the day that my Pop passed. In order to help my Nana with the arrangements, and to help fill the silence, I was down in Tucson (my home town) until after Thanksgiving. This time happened to encompass the day that I had an ultrasound scheduled for follicle growth. I called my doctor's office (which is 100+ miles away from Tucson) to see what we could do. Did they want me to find somewhere down in Tucson and get an ultrasound and send it? Or were we ok to skip it? I didn't want the round to be a complete loss, seeing as how I had already taken all of the Femara dosage. Plus, my Nana didn't really want us to give up that month either. I honestly think she's more excited than we are! The nurse told me that my doctor was confident that we could skip this ultrasound since it was only the first month, just to make sure I get the blood test confirming ovulation when I get back (after the positive opk). She also said if I felt any pain around ovulation time, I should go to a doctor immediately. So onward and forwards!

Cycle day 16 rolls around and I have a positive ovulation test. I call the doctor and schedule the blood test for 7 days after. My blood test was this past Saturday. I just got a call from the nurse and apparently, my progesterone was not where they would like to confirm ovulation. She said, "We saw a 1 when we would like to see a 3." I'm assuming she means levels? Anyways, she then told me that my doctor is therefore amending our Get Lindsay Knocked up Plan A. Here is the revised plan:

Cycle day 1 - call office

Cycle day 3 - start Femara

Cycle day 7 - last dose of Femara

Cycle day 12 - Ultrasound to check follicle growth

Cycle day 12-?? - Trigger Shot depending on follicle growth

After trigger shot, hump like rabbits, then wait for BFP (wishful thinking). 

The major changes to the plan are the absolute ultrasound and the infamous trigger shot. I've been doing what I can to try and google research this plan and what my progesterone test means, but I just find chat rooms that date back to 2007 or earlier! Do you guys have any insight? Any info at all is very helpful :)

The funny thing is that once I got off the phone with the nurse, I felt relieved and that same excitement I felt in the beginning. My relief came from the fact that I don't necessarily have to count down the days until Saturday anymore (14 days after positive opk; no period; pregnancy test). Sure, I could still be pregnant, but when my doctor is already planning our next plan-of-attack, I know my chances are slim to none. And while that is, in itself, a bit of a heartbreak, it's also great news to my ears. The doctor told me when she gave me the prescription for Femara, and when we nailed down the details for Plan A, that Curtis and I are lumped in to the "unexplained infertility" category. My heart sank when she said that because "unexplained" means "we don't know why, so we can't really fix it". The more we find out what is wrong with my body, the more explaining we're doing...which means we're working at "fixing" it. That's where my renewed excitement comes in! The more we (meaning my doctor and I) know, I feel, the better off we are.

Now, instead of counting down the hours until Saturday comes, and wondering if every time I pee, that if I see blood I'm going to have an emotional breakdown, I can sit back and recharge the batteries until Mother Nature takes over and we begin again.

Things not to say to a TTC-er: Round 2

These gems are ones that I've been getting of late that are really starting to get on my nerves:

"Oh my gosh! You're so young though! You have plenty of time..."
Have you ever talked to a woman who has gone through infertility? One that has exhausted every medical procedure she can; spent years putting her body through scientific research over and over? They will all tell you the same thing: I wish I had started sooner. Honest! The book I bought a few months ago (that I'm still reading because it scares me and I have to work up the courage to read each chapter) says that very sentence constantly! They tell of stories of women who just wait it out with their spouses until they hit 30. Then, when that damned internal clock goes off, they try really hard for 1 year. Now we're talking a year has passed. Some even wait for 2 years! Then it's off to the specialist and treatment begins. Sometimes, by the time they get to the really hard procedures, the woman is 35+ and the doctors are telling you that you're now facing all the added age factors of infertility: loss of eggs, bad egg quality, etc., etc. Why shouldn't I start now? It's not like we're IVF-ing off the friggin' get-go! Yes, I have time. Time to treat, then rest in between. Time to save for IVF, God forbid we get that far. Or hell, even adoption. I know what I want and I'm doing what I want. Get over my age.

"I know this couple that tried so hard to have a baby...I mean YEARS...Finally they gave up and went to church and BAM, they were pregnant."
Ok, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a very religious person. I wasn't raised one and I haven't made up my mind now that I'm older. I'll also admit that I have not read the bible. I cannot quote it, I have no idea what's in it besides the ten commandments and the same old tattoos everyone gets. But, the way I see it  is that God knows everything. He's omnipotent. So, if I'm not a very religious person and I don't talk to him all the time...then I just start going to church and praying...isn't he gonna know it's for my own selfish gain? Isn't he kinda against that? It just seems contradictory to me. If I'm going to start going to church and trying to have a relationship with God, I don't really want it to start out fraudulently. What do I look like? Kim Kardashian? 
(Please no religious debates. I don't really want that on my blog. If you think I'm a jerk or something, please just stop reading. Insight and prayers are always welcome though!)

"You're trying to hard.." and *See above quote, but focus on the "gave up" part*
Apparently, I'm not trying hard enough! Look, I've honestly tried that whole, "God, no, please don't let me be preggers! That would really suck!!" I was fooling NO ONE. My husband was laid off of work for a year. I lived with my Mother-in-law TWICE. We were struggling just to get by with what little bills we had on my salary. I went through a court battle earlier this year that I could barely afford. If there were ever moments in my life that being pregnant or having a baby would've sucked, I think those top them. So the whole "not trying" thing just doesn't work out, because even when the times occurred, I still wanted one. The heart wants what it wants...you tell me how the hell I'm supposed to shut it off! Or become a better liar at least..

"It's just not your time"
Well what do I have to do to make it "my time"? Be 16? Be on government assistance? Have a one-night stand? This one is the one that gets me every time and I literally want to kick people in the taco when I hear it. I take it as an insult. I don't know what "dues" I have to pay in order to have it be "my time", but I'll fucking pay them right now. It's usually people that already have kids that say that shit. Could you imagine saying that to a woman who had a miscarriage? Or another woman who can't afford adoption because she spent every penny she had on fertility treatments and still nothing is working? It's inconsiderate and beyond rude. It may not be my time to get pregnant, but it sure as hell is your time to catch my fist in your mouth.

I understand that people generally don't know what to say to women dealing with infertility. I really do get it. But before you open your mouth...before you say ANYTHING to me...just put yourself in my shoes. Imagine what I must be going through as woman...as a human being with feelings and insecurities. If you still can't think of anything besides the above to say, just stick with this: "I'll keep you in my thoughts/prayers." That's honestly, one of my favorites, because I need all the help I can get some days!

Just once

I would love for someone to take a picture of my face when someone is telling me that they are pregnant, or that so-and-so is pregnant, or so-and-so's wife went to labor. Just once. Am I doing a good job hiding my internal cringing, jealousy and longing? Or am I not fooling anyone like I think I am?

Short hiatus

I wanted to make a quick post regarding the short hiatus I've taken. On Thursday, November 17th my grandfather passed away. My Pop, as most of us called him, was like a father to me and his death has been a blow that has been hard to take. While he had been sick for quite some time, the weekend prior had been looking up. Unfortunately, he was just too tired to continue the fight and we had to say goodbye. Since then I've been staying with my Nana to help fill the silence and assist with the memorial preparations. My Pop was truly a great man and I'm finding it hard to accept that he was unable to meet my future children. Thankfully, we have plenty of stories to fill the void! Remind me to share some of them here with you all.
Until I return with some updates, please keep my family in your prayers for the upcoming holiday season.
Thanks,
Lindsay

Spoke too soon??

Now, whether or not the story I'm about to tell you is related to the Femara or not, I don't know. I will admit that I am genuinely a very emotional person. I cry. A lot. A LOT-a lot. When I'm on my period, about to start my period, a good 20 days in to my cycle, happy, sad, mad, touched, anytime. I literally cried for about the first 20 minutes of that Robert DeNiro movie Everybody's Fine  because that poor man just wanted to see his kids and they didn't want to go see him and HOW COLD HEARTED ARE YOU?! THAT MAN LOVES YOU MORE THA-well, you get the point.
Last night Curtis was on another graveyard shift. As he will be for the next 3 nights. We got in to a bit of a tiff a couple hours in to his shift (more like me angry at him and him apologizing) and I guess it just stuck with me. When I climbed in to bed, I felt so lonely that I just started to cry. I texted him that I couldn't sleep and he called me to try and make me feel better, but nothing was working. I was sad and lonely and missed him and didn't want to sleep by myself *pout*. I told him I felt even more lonely because I have to take the Femara for the next 4 more days and 3 of those he is gone. I know, always the drama queen. That's me! Finally just talking to him was making me feel better so I was able to get some sleep. Not good sleep by any means, but some sleep. Why "not good sleep"? Well...this calls for a new paragraph.
I. AM. THE. BIGGEST. SCAREDY-CAT. EVER. Seriously. This morning the floor in the kitchen shifted making my back door make a creaking noise and I about jumped out of my skin. Once again, always the drama queen! Well, the last time Curtis was on graveyard, I had one of the hardest nights in a long time. Have you ever heard of Old Hag Syndrome? I didn't hear about it until a year or so ago and basically, it happened to me that night. I know, I KNOW, that it's also known as sleep paralysis and has something to do with the state of sleep I'm in, body vs. mind, etc. But while it's happening, all I could think is Old Hag Syndrome! I had to sleep with the damn light on like a child. Ever since then I've been terrified it's going to happen again. You see, I am overwhelmingly, irrationally scared of all things ghosts and demons. I can't watch Paranormal Activity. I can't even think about them before bed or I can't sleep. Especially when Curtis is gone. So needless to say, I think I will be Tylenol PM drugging myself for the next 3 nights to try and get some sleep since I'm a big, fat chicken.

And I guess we'll see if my mini-breakdown was cause of the Femara or if it is because I'm a freaking girl. It may be a long 3 nights, so stick around...just don't judge me :)

Let the estrogen overload begin

Today marks day 3 of my cycle, thus also being day 1 of taking the Femara my doctor prescribed. So far, so good, but then again I also took my first dose about 5 hours ago. I take two pills daily and I'm making sure that I take them with food as google told me that can help the symptoms. I am supposed to continue this for the next five days. Tomorrow I have to call the doctor and set up an ultrasound for around cycle day 11-12 to track my follicle growth. Then so on and so forth with the Get Lindsay Knocked Up Plan until either baby or my doc will no longer allow me to take the medication. Hopefully the former of course!! In the meantime, I'll keep you guys updated on the symptoms and how the plan is chugging along. I know you guys are so excited to be reading all my over sharing, so don't fret, I will continue to keep it coming!

A few other updates: My grandfather, better known as Pop, is currently in the hospital. About 5 years ago he had some fluid building up behind his lungs (one specifically, but I can't remember which) and he had to have a procedure to prevent it from continuously occurring. Well, it's happening again, but this time to the other lung.  At first we were unsure if the doctors were willing to even operate on him, but they finally decided that they would. Then my Pop decided that he was not going to have the operation. You see, after the last one, they had to intubate him for about 24 hours. Due to his high blood pressure, they couldn't keep him sedated so he remembers EVERYTHING from that experience. He hated it so much that once he was healthy enough, he had a DNR put in place. Bringing us back to the present day, he told all of us that he was refusing the procedure due to him having to be intubated afterwards. Luckily for us, the surgeon is willing to do what she can to keep him sedated, as long as his blood pressure allows it. That's if he even needs to be intubated at all this time around! Last time there was a severe infection in the fluid, this time there is no indication of any infection at all. So he finally agreed to have the procedure!! It was such a relief to us because had he still refused, he was looking at possible hospice. They can only drain the fluid a couple more times and it's building  up to 1 liter in a weeks time. I would've hated to hear a "time frame" on him had he continued to be stubborn.

The surgery is scheduled for Monday and I'm really upset that I have to miss it. I wish that I was able to be there, even just to see him for a few minutes, but unfortunately I am out of vacation time at work. Between family Vegas trip, infertility appointments, and getting my stepson for the summer, I used up just about every hour that I have. I did take last Thursday and Friday off to be with him prior to the surgery, so I do feel a bit better, but it's still emotional for me. My pop is like a father to me, even walked me down the aisle at my wedding...he just means the world to me. I'm hoping that after he recovers he is able to regain some comfort and confidence to go back to carrying out daily activities. I know that has hurt him the most in all of this. I had to get my pride from somewhere! In the meantime, please keep him and my family in your thoughts and prayers. 

Update numero dos: I had my blood drawn last week to check my glucose and cholesterol levels to be sure that I'm not pre-diabetic. I was going to request Metformin along with the Femara if I was. Diabetes runs in my family pretty heavily, so it was about time that I got checked, considering I'm also overweight. Thankfully those test came back completely normal! That's one of the first tests that I have done, besides my HSG, that has come back without complications. It's kind of nice...

I had another update, but to be honest I have completely forgotten what it was. Can I blame forgetfulness on these pills?? Well, either way, I'm going to because I can. Oh, and someone please call and check on me and Curtis for the next 5 days? Just a little, "Hey...still alive?...awesome. Bye!" We just bought a new 12 gauge shotgun over the weekend (since I'm alone so often overnight) so the fact that it coincided with my pill-popping-extravaganza has worried a few people in our close circle. I'm kidding, I'm kidding...but seriously. Just call.

Until next time my friends! 

Now you're just showing off...

Really Michelle Duggar?! 20 kids? I'm sure I would feel differently if I could get pregnant even once...but lucky for you, I can't, so in turn, I hate your stinking guts. Show offs.

Responses to comments

So my work computer is being a real pain in my ass and won't let me comment on my own posts to respond to others, so I guess I'll just make a whole new post instead! That'll show this damn inanimate object who's boss!

Pretend Mommy: Thanks for the info on the coupon! I was a bit nervous when she said that Femara was more expensive, but I just felt in my gut that it was a better choice. While Hubs and I aren't opposed to having multiples (if I had twins I would be DONE), we didn't exactly want to make it a "stronger" option. Plus with my insurance not covering anything, the less we have to do (meaning ultrasounds) the better. I'm really glad that it worked out for you and your Hubs! Thanks for the baby dust!

Losing It: No worries! Congrats again! That's great that you didn't have to get the trigger shot this time around :) One less shot is never a bad thing! I'm glad that Clomid worked out for you! Hopefully soon you can regain some of your taste buds!!

To everyone else that reads this blog: Thank you so so much for your support! Every comment is immensely appreciated by this blogger. Words don't effectively portray the happiness I feel from your encouraging words, so the best I can come up with is, Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Ok, I'll stop now.

Really.....Thank you.

Get Lindsay Knocked Up Plan - A

Well, as you all know, we met with the doctor last week to discuss our test results and where we're going to go from here. Essentially, our Plan A. According to the doctor Curtis' sperm looks fantastic. Motility, count, etc. is all right where they would want them to be. She said all he needs to focus on is being as healthy as he can be (she doesn't know him like I do). Lucky Bastard! I, on the other hand, have it a bit more complicated. In order to be diagnosed with PCOS you need two of three symptoms: irregular periods, poly-cystic ovaries, or high androgen (testosterone) levels. I have the ovaries and the high androgen's. Luckily, my periods have always been regular. Sometimes a few days late or what have you, but only once have I ever skipped one entirely. I've always had 12 a year. So that's good news!
Basically, the plan is to make me SUPER-ovulate. I felt the need to put "super" in bold and all caps...I think it really portrays the deep, Wizard-of-Oz-like voice I hear when I say it in my head. Is that just me? Ok then...moving on...The doctor gave me a choice between Clomid and Femara. Here are the differences that she explained to me: *WARNING: Bullet points coming up. Gird your loins if you have a distaste for them...*

• Clomid tends to produce more multiples (3' & 4's) than Femara for women who ovulate regularly.
• Femara is more expensive than Clomid.
• The side effects of Femara don't tend to be quite as intense as Clomid (try saying that to the women I googled. Explosive diarrhea what?!) 
• Femara also helps your uterine lining more than Clomid.
• Less ultrasounds(monitoring) on Femara than Clomid.

The more we talked it over, the more I felt like we should start with Femara. After doing all the research*, I completely stand by my decision. So she gave me a 3 month prescription for Femara that I will start next month when I start my cycle (we missed the deadline this month). Apparently this drug is to be taken for 5 days starting on cycle day 3. In those 5 days it tricks my brain in to thinking that I am not producing estrogen, so that I end up producing double estrogen. Then around day 11-12 I go get an ultrasound. I also start peeing on my OPK's (ovulation predictor kits). Once we get a positive one, we cross fingers, legs, and shove a pillow under my butt after intercourse. Then we pray to every God that we can think of, even though he apparently hates us**, and hope that we conceive. Rinse and repeat for the next couple months. Oh, and if for some reason I do not ovulate, they have this nifty little shot they can give me to force my body to drop an egg. We'll also do a blood test one week after my positive OPK to make sure that I did in fact ovulate and my reproductive system isn't playing tricks on us. She's a sneaky bitch sometimes, so you have to watch her. 

I also spoke to my doctor about Metformin. I had read about it online and I know that some women who are diabetic or just trying to ovulate go on it in conjunction with Clomid or Femara. She said that if I wanted to be placed on it, she would write me a script, but I requested to get my insulin & glucose levels checked first. Thyroid issues and Diabetes runs heavily in my family and since I am already over-weight and PCOS-diagnosed, my chances for diabetes has risen. I feel that it's a good thing to have checked out and for me to monitor. If it seems as though I am pre-diabetic or anything like that, I will request the Metformin and work with my diet and exercise. I figure the more informed I am about what my body is doing, the better off I will be. If I don't seem to be pre-diabetic, I will not request the Metformin and I will just do what I can with diet and exercise. I don't want to be on medication unless it's necessary.
Apparently the doctor won't have me on this plan for too long. Taking Clomid or Femara for longer than 6 months/cycles increases your chances for ovarian cancer. If Plan A doesn't work, we'll move on to Plan B, which will probably be IUI. The costs of that procedure isn't near as high as IVF, but it will still be a plan that may have to wait a bit for some saving up. But, my hopes and focus are on Plan A right now. I'm doing everything against my nature to not borrow trouble and to just take this one step at a time. I really am trying not to stress.
In the meantime, if any of you have more information on Femara or Metformin, I would love to hear it. Side effects, pros/cons, horror stories or successful conceptions, I want to hear it all! Everything I google seems to be from 2005-2008, so any other links or information is greatly helpful. Oh, and baby dust doesn't hurt either :)


*By research I mean googling.
** I'll explain at a later date.

Still me, just slightly crazier

As you know I've been hoping that we would be one of the "lucky ones". No, not those lucky ones who get pregnant one drunken night with their spouse. Or those lucky ones that threw out their birth control the month prior to their wedding and got knocked up 2-3 months later. I'm talking about the "lucky ones" who go through the HSG test and sometimes get pregnant thanks to the little pipe cleaning that took place. My hope grew even more when I started cramping a while back, but nothing came of it. My hope grew to an even bigger size when Curtis' results came back with "SPERM ANALYSIS GOOD".

As of yesterday afternoon, driving home from work (cycle day 30) I wasn't bleeding, I wasn't cramping, my lower back wasn't hurting; I was only feeling the same nipple pain I've been feeling for at least a week now. My hope grew to an OUTRAGEOUS size. By "outrageous size" I mean: imagining myself peeing on a stick, seeing that glorious double pink line, taking a picture with my iPhone, editing it in Instagram*, pulling it to my computer, putting it on a flash drive, taking it to Walmart and printing a copy, inserting said copy into a sapp 'I love you just cause' card, then driving to Curtis' work and giving him the card. He hollers, sweeps me off my feet in a joyous hug while I'm laughing and crying and so overcome with happiness that I can hardly freaking stand it... See? OUTRAGEOUS. But, as all good little infertiles know, that hope has to come back to cackle and spit in our face and show us who's really boss. I woke up this morning around 3ish due to my dogs barking at the wind blowing** and felt some major cramping. I thought, Oh there you are bitch and went back to sleep. I got up later when my alarm went off and went pee. TMI ALERT: I felt my stomach roll and thought maybe that cramping was just me having to do the completely unlady-like act of a #2, until I wiped. Blood. Red, not really brown at all. Very light, but enough to knock my ass right off that damn high-horse. I immediately reached for a tampon. Curtis heard the tell-tale wrapper and asked, "Did you start bleeding?" I could hear the disappointment in his voice (and that's always the hardest part...knowing I'm not the only one let down here). "Yea, a little" I responded and since then, I've been sad, dejected Lindsay all morning.

The worst part about this? I keep trying to talk myself out of it. You could still be pregnant I think. A little red blood is fine! I bet you'll remove that tampon and there will be hardly anything at all. Your nipples still hurt! That's not normal for you! Once you start bleeding that pain goes away usually. It's such a viscious cycle I'm on***! I oughta be used to it by now. Anytime my gums bleed while brushing my teeth, I'm Pregnant!! I smell something Curtis can't, I'm Pregnant!! I feel sick to my stomach, then eat something and feel better, I'm fat Pregnant!! That's pretty much how every month goes. And yet still I sit here thinking Is that a cramp? Maybe a little bit. But pregnant women still cramp a little in the beginning...sometimes. Maybe I'll be one of those pregnant women who still gets their period? Yea, that's it.  Does this ever end?! Oh yea, it does...when I can finally, actually say, "I'm Pregnant!!"


Until then, I guess I have to settle for, "I'm not pregnant, I'm Crazy!!"






*Wanting to edit a picture of a stick I just pissed on kinda confirms the crazy now doesn't it?
**Seriously, my dogs bark at everything.
***No pun intended...Or was it?

Finally a reason NOT to stress

I've been stalking my benefits website, looking at my claims daily, like it was an old lover's facebook page and they just got engaged when they swore they never would. Whoa...a little off topic there. Sorry.
I've been obsessed with looking at my claims because I didn't pay for my ultrasound up front. I gave them my, "I already have to pay $463.63 for another test right after this and I'm not really prepared to pay $800+ today, please just bill my insurance then bill me. Pretty pretty pleaseeee" sob-story and it worked. I've been terrified that I would have hundreds of dollars to pay them (the ultrasound place) and I wanted to get a jump on the saving up before I got the bill. Well, last night the claims finally came through. I saw the one for my HSG and saw these words: "Paid at visit: 0.00" Uh, I WISH! So I called my insurance. Long story short, I should have only paid $42.06 for the HSG. Not the $463.63. I was due a refund!! I called the fertility place that performed the HSG and told them the fantastic news of CUT ME A CHECK AND MAIL IT TODAY PLEASE AND THANK YOU. The first lady didn't understand so she sent me to the billing manager. She finally explained it to me that I was indeed owed a refund (told you first lady)* because apparently my insurance is covering my testing at 80-stinking-percent. Why?? Who the heck knows! Maybe it's my beauty and my charm...or just the way my doctor's are coding the claims. Either way, I ain't a'complainin'! The nice manager lady then asked me if I wanted them to cut me a check and mail it or if I wanted them to keep it on file for any future work we may have with them. I told them to keep it for now, until I find out more from my doctor on the 20th. Just knowing I have a little cushion is kind of nice, although I'm hoping I won't have to see them for a long time (if ever!).
Looks like I need to go update my other page: How much is that baby in the window?

*Gosh, look at me. Mrs. Maturity.**
**Ha! Poet and I didn't even know it!

Letters

Dear God,

Look, I know we don't talk as often as we should and I'm pretty sure you stopped listening to me a while ago (it's not like I didn't deserve it)...but could you please stop the dreams of us having a beautiful baby girl that I hug and cuddle with constantly? While the one last night looked different than the one I usually dream of, it still left me waking this morning with an empty heart. I have also now taken up crying, which started as soon as I dropped Curtis off at work. Let's just call a truce, k? I greatly appreciate it.

Mucho Thanks,
Lins

x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x

Dear Mother Nature,

YOU.REALLY.SUCK.

Thanks for nothing,
Lindsay

x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x

Dear Pioneer Woman,

Your recipes have done a pretty decent job of distracting me today. I wish I had the energy to whip even 1/10th of them up. Do you deliver??

Droolingly yours,
Lindsay

He's not so lazy afterall!

That really only goes for Curtis' sperm. Curtis the man? He is super lazy. I love him to death, but Sloth is definitely his biggest sin. But, we're not here to talk about the man, just the lovely little tadpole Curtis' (I apologize for any physical gagging that just occurred. I'll make it up to you). I got a call from my doctor today, well, actually the call was from one of the nurses my doctor works with. I can't recall ever meeting this woman, and I hate myself for not being able to remember her name, but she sounds like the sweetest old lady ever...besides my Nana. I called the message service that my doctor's office has to retrieve the results of Curtis' sperm analysis. SOLN (sweetest old lady nurse) left the message and said, "The sperm analysis came back with the results that everything is good. SPERM.ANALYSIS.GOOD." Bahahaha! She did the same thing with my HSG test, "Everything looks good. HSG.GOOD." God Bless that woman. I really hope she is the nurse I'll be spending most of my time with. I hope that when I do get pregnant, she is the one to call me and my message will say, "You are pregnant. SEX.GOOD." I think that would be fantastic.


Well, with the results of all tests (still waiting on Ultrasound) coming back "GOOD", minus the blood work and possible PCOS diagnosis, I'm assuming that my doctor will tell me we will start on the plan she gave to us back at our first appointment. I'm dubbing it the infamous Get Lindsay Knocked Up Plan, version A since it's our first plan. Here is what she typed up for us:


Cycle day 1 is first day of bleeding.
Get labs done cycle day 3.
Start clomid/femara cycle day 3. Beware side effects :) <---- I shit you not, there is a smiley face.
Start ovulation predictor kits cycle day 11.
Ovulation should occur 24-36 hours after positive kit.
Start follicle checks with ultrasound in the office cycle day 11.
May need several ultrasounds to follow follicle growth.
May need trigger shot to help ovulation if ovulation predictor kit negative.
Every other day intercourse.
If no menses 14 days after ovulation, check pregnancy test.
Be healthy, take your prenatals, try not to stress!

Ok, 1) I'd like to note that Trebuchet font is niiiiice. I may change to that! 2) you will note the title of my blog at the very end of that list 3)That damn smiley face scares the shit out of me.
I pretty sure that this is course of action the doctor will place us on. I am totally on board for it too! I'm not thrilled about the side effects of the drugs, but I'm excited that it could possibly be this easy (please remind me that I said this, I may need it as I have a big habit of speaking too soon). The 20th cannot come soon enough!


Also, mini-update: We've decided not to buy a house right now as we are going through some more baby mama drama (my other blog) that we may need to bring our lawyer back in to and that's NEVER cheap. We also have to buy a new car and with our credit not being the best, we're having to put a pretty substantial down payment on it. It sucks being a grown up *pout*.


That's all for now. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Saturday in the valley

A few years ago a trip to Barnes & Noble would've resulted in purchases of the western-romance-smut type of literature. Here's what my purchase was today:

In other news, Curtis and I made sure to giggle like pre-pubescent juveniles in the "relationship" section. It was even more hilarious that I immediately thought, "Show offs". Honestly, who has time for 'Take Me To Your Leader' when 'Doggie-Style' is so much easier and produces the same result?

Just keeping the romance alive people.

Oh it's SO embarrassing!!

Curtis had his "test" this morning and to spare him further embarrassment I won't go in to very much detail, or actually any detail at all. I know you were all dying to hear how it went *snicker*, but I thought I'd be a nice wife (for once) and just leave it at that. I will however discuss that I am SO hoping that his counts are good and his "boys" are strong swimmers. I'd rather we didn't have a bunch of odds against us, ya know, just a couple.

Last night we made the decision to let his family know what was going on. Most of my family knows already (i.e. Brother, Mother and Nana), so I figured we ought to give his side a heads up as well. This will hopefully make the upcoming holidays a bit easier. This way we're not bombarded with, "When are you guys gonna have a baby? Oh did you hear that so-n-so is expecting? Blah blah baby blah?" If they know what we're going through, hopefully the rage-inducing (rage on my part) comments will be kept to a minimum. Hopefully.

Funny story: After my HSG test, I was given instruction to not have sex for 3 days. Prior to Curtis' "test", he was to abstain from sex (the kind with me and the kind with rosy palm) for 4 days. This left us one day to have sex this week. Just one. For a couple trying to have a baby, they were really wanting to keep us from "trying"! And wouldn't you know, as fate would have it, that one day was our 2-year wedding anniversary! We were both working that day, so I had plans to come home, do my 30 Day Shred DVD, shower, slip in to something more appropriate and start dinner. OF COURSE, my grandmother-in-law shows up that day to drop off a card and then sit and talk until Curtis walked through the front door. Totally. by. accident. She. tried. to. leave. but. we. JUST.KEPT.TALKING. My dearest husband, being such a subtle man, then told his grandmother, "Grandma, it's nice to see you, but you need to leave. Lindsay and I are gonna do the nasty." Such a poetic vocabulary that man has! In a matter of 30 seconds, he completed what I had been trying to for the last 1 1/2 hours. Skills, that's what that is. Of course, shortly after dinner, fireworks and love and passion and yuck and the most romantic thing I do which is prop a pillow under my ass with my legs in the air for 15 minutes. Yup. That's me. Sexiest wife of the year. We were told that some people get lucky enough to get pregnant after their HSG because it essentially "cleaned the pipes". Of course, I have no idea if I was ovulating on that day or even the day before or after, but being the eternal optimist I am (sense the sarcasm??), here's to hoping that this blog could change to a pregnancy blog!

Speaking of HSG, the nurse called me and told me that the results came back normal. Awesome! No blockage or double uterus or anything that they could see from that test. Now we just wait on Curtis' results and then our appointment with my doctor on 20th to discuss the Get Lindsay Knocked Up Plan.

Maybe I should change the name of this blog to that...has a nice little ring to it don't you think?

Sunday Funday!

I hope everyone had a good weekend (so far if you're on my timezone cause it's not over yet!). I know I did! My brother and his girlfriend made a last minute trip to our town to go camping and to spend the weekend with us. My brother* and I were always super close growing up and I absolutely adore his girlfriend, so I was ecstatic that they made the trek up here. It was really nice to spend the weekend laughing after the crappy news I got Friday. Speaking of Friday, on the drive home I had a total.meltdown. Crying, then laughing because I couldn't understand why I was crying, then crying some more. It was ridiculous. Thankfully I composed myself by the time I got to my house. I'm such an ugly crier, they probably would've left had they seen me like that!
Friday night we went fishing & camping. We only caught two fish and hardly touched the beer we bought, but there was just something about sleeping under the stars that restores the peace in me. I laid awake for a while, even tossed and turned quite a bit, but waking up to the sun shining on my face and breeze blowing my hair, I told everyone, "That was the best night's sleep I had in a long time!"
We didn't stay out at the river for very long on Saturday morning. It started to get pretty warm again and the fish just weren't biting, so we headed back in to town. After showering and grabbing some lunch, we hit up the swap meet and the county fair. Our county fair is super tiny, since we're such a small community, so that wasted all of about an hour. We then drove out to the casino and hit some balls at the driving range. I despise golf (years of softball training taught me to not swing at the ground), but my whole family goes golfing so I decided I had better pick up a club and practice. Let me tell you I.SUCK. I freely admit it! I bet I'd feel more comfortable if I could do it Happy Gilmore style with a hockey stick, but with a tiny club (minus the driver) and a tiny ball, the odds are just stacked against me! After an hour of frustration and jarring my entire body from smacking the club in to the ground, we headed back in to town, ate dinner, watched Bridesmaids (HILARIOUS movie by the way) and went to bed.
This morning (Sunday) Curtis had to work, so it was just my broseph, his girlfriend and I. We watched The Crazies, then went to Subway for lunch before they left to make the 1 1/2 hour drive home. We ended up sitting there for another hour talking! Finally they left and I went grocery shopping.Which brings us to where I am now: sitting here waiting for Curtis to get off. I was gonna bake some Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Bread, but my dumbass forgot to get pureed pumpkin. I was walking around the store unable to focus on anything besides the house we came across this weekend and completely fell in love with. We're not really looking to buy a house right now; we haven't given it much thought since we looked in to getting a loan last year and didn't make the requirements. While, driving around town yesterday we happened upon a house for sale. I hadn't seen it before on any listings (I've been known to browse from time to time) because it's for sale by owner. After stalking it again today, I called to get some more information. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to a lender and see if we even qualify to purchase right now. If we do, we'll go from there. If not, it's not gonna break my heart. I'm fully prepared to rent another year in the house we're in now. And while I used to want to purchase before we had a baby, I'm not feeling like it has to be that way anymore...especially since I saw the cutest baby girl in the grocery store today and almost broke down in tears. I'm such a pitiful mess right now!

Anyways, cross your fingers that we qualify for a loan and keep sending that baby dust our way! I hope everyone's week goes well!

*Technically, he's my step-brother (stepdad's son), but we've never really paid attention to that. He's my brother. That's it.

PCOS and me

Wellll, looks like I survived D-Day...or T-Day since it was basically my testing day. Although not without some casualties - my vagina is currently at Deafcon 4 and is hiding out in the bunker reserved for The President, refusing to come out until Monday. She was not pleased that she was poked and prodded so much yesterday, and since that bitch is CRAZY, I've decided to just go ahead and let her hide out. Hopefully when she returns she'll have forgiven me. If not, this journey could get a lot harder than it is already!
Now since I lurve me some bullet points, I'll break down my experience according to each test I've endured thus far:

Pelvic Ultrasound: First ultrasound I've ever had. Pretty much the weirdest thing I've ever seen too. I know that all the sex education classes I had were forever-ago, but I always thought I was pretty knowledgeable about my body and it's subsequent parts. I was not aware that my uterus looks like a catfish at the bottom of a murky river. Seriously, when did that happen? I thought I was gonna see the Texas Longhorns logo. 'Parently not. All the while I'm thinking this, the tech goes about her business, recreating the Grand Canyon in my vagina. When the tech finally got my ovaries in view, I may or may not have waved "Hi kids!" at all my little follicles. I also may not have said in my sternest mommy-voice that they were grounded for life if they didn't get fertilized real soon! And SHUT THE DOOR WERE YOU BORN IN BAR-oh, yea. Woops! Rebellious little punks those kids are just like their parents already.
Soon, the tech tells me that she thinks she see a "double uterine lining". Indicating a possible Double Uterus. Double the pleasure, Double the fun?? She wouldn't elaborate, but since I am not with child nor ever been close, I'm assuming it'll be more like the twins from The Shining. Now, because of this finding, she wants to look at my kidneys. The right one looks fine, I guess, although it seems we're still watching an episode of River Monsters*. The left one, looks normal to the tech, but to Curtis** it looks like Jabba the Hut. To me, however, it looks like Davey Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean. So we have now taken to lovingly referring to my uterus as The Kraken. And as you can tell by the picture, the Kraken loves to destroy semen seaman.
Results: Unknown at this point. I have to wait for someone with a M.D. (or equal value) to let me know...even though the tech has me thinking I have two uterus' at this point. RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!

Hysterosalpingogram (HSG): My heart was pounding. Not only was I scared to death of the test, but Curtis wasn't allowed back there with me, as it's a form of x-ray. TOTAL.DRAMA.QUEEN but we'll get to that. The fertility office was very nice. There were an obscene amount of copies of a local magazine that the doctor had made the cover of (for his success in ART), but the staff was very kind and they offered free soda (SCORE!). They made me take a urine pregnancy test (BAHAHAHA-Nice joke lady) and then get in the room for the procedure. Unlike the doctor said, I did feel the shot numbing my cervix, but it wasn't horrible. The cramping did suck, but when doesn't it suck. When the dye started to show up on the screen, I was finally rewarded with the Texas Longhorn symbol I'd been looking for, of course not quite as pretty as the diagram. I told the doctor what the tech said (I really hope I don't get her in trouble!!) and he said he didn't see anything like that. Relief! The test lasted a total of 5 minutes and I said total.drama.queen earlier because looking back it was NOTHING. The worst part of the whole thing was him cleaning my cervix and not because it hurt, but cause it's one of my least favorite feelings. I cringe just thinking about it. YUCK!
After we were done with the test, my vagina hollered something unmentionable-it rhymed with "I hate you punt"-and went in to hiding. I haven't seen her since.

Results: The great fertility doctor said he was going to send a hard copy to my fertility doctor(and OB/GYN) because once she gets the Ultrasound Tech's report, "She's going to be a bit confused. Everything looks great to me!". THE END.

Just kidding.

Labs (bloodwork) that I had done last week, but didn't talk about it until now cause it wasn't that big of a deal...until now: The nurse called me today (Friday) and said that my Androgen testing came back with high levels of Testosterone. That, leads them to believe that I may have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). And here I was thinking that my beard was because I am Polish and Italian; that my anxiety came from my Pop (grandfather); and my acne was just a given because all my cousins had acne issues...it just ran in our genes. Well, apparently so does this. While I'm relieved to know that it's something medical and not "Maybe God just doesn't think it's your time...", I'm scared. I'm aware that PCOS is way more common these days, and I like that it explains a lot of other things I have going on, but it still made my stomach**** drop a bit to hear it. Of course, the nurse explained they will have to wait on the Ultrasound to be sure that I have it, but knowing how my blood levels turned out and all the other symptoms I have, I won't be too surprised to hear that I do indeed have PCOS. We have a follow-up with my doctor on October 20th, so that she has the results from all of our testing in. Curtis goes in next Friday for his "test" and if you're friends with him on Facebook, you'll see his sad little countdown (I've forbade him from posting what he's counting down to). It's so lame to hear him complain about it! Does it make me a mean wife to hope that they want him to test a second time?? Yes, I think it does and I have no shame!

In other news, I had a co-worker bet me $20 that I will be pregnant in 6 months. I really wanted to say, "Instead of $20, how about a nice punch in the wiener?? And how about I collect on that loss now??", but I held my tongue. I wish people would stop telling me that "When you quit trying is when it happens." Really? I tried that whole "Please don't get pregnant. I will do anything, please don't fertilize my eggs!" When we first got together....6 years ago! It really doesn't work. He also said, "Sheesh, I wish I had that problem." No, you don't, cause then you wouldn't be able to rub pictures of your grandbabies in my face every chance you got. Asshole.



*Curtis and James' (my step-kiddo) FAVORITE.SHOW.EVAH.
**My husbands name. Why it took me 6 posts to finally get it out, I don't know. My feeble attempt at anonymity, I suppose. Who cares now when I've already talked of farting?***
***I'm sorry for that by the way.
****I hate the word tummy. It makes me cringe!

Even the doctor I have yet to meet is chanting at me!

I know, I know, two posts in one night...WHOA! I had to share this though-I got an email from the center that is performing my HSG test giving me strict steps to follow prior to my appointment...pay attention to the last one:

DEY NOEZ?! Ok, I will admit, I did google the test because I was curious of the cost. The stories I "stumbled upon" were a bit scary, but I don't think my anxiety is "heightened" anymore than it already was (nervous of results).

Anyways, I just wish these doctors would stop telling me to stress. Do they know how neurotic I am already?? Telling me not to stress is like telling Ari not to make gay jokes at Lloyd. 

Ain't.Gonna.Happen. 

I wish Mom had wrung my neck when she caught me with those cigarettes..

This post is going to be pretty helter skelter because I'm watching One Tree Hill and my brain does not have the ability to multi-task this late at night:

-The title is a line in a Jake Owen song*. It's exactly how I feel right now. Technically I've quit smoking. I quit a while ago actually. And when I say I quit, I mean I quit buying my own packs, but if you smoke can I please bum one off you, kthanxbye. It's even worse when I'm drinking! Buzzing Lindsay ain't to proud to beg for that glorious little cancer stick, even if I don't know your name. Since the doctor gave me a look that reminded me of the eye of Sauron**, I have decided to honest-to-goodness quit, thus increasing my cravings. I wish I had never know of the wonderfulness that they gave me! And by wonderfulness, I mean, the hacking up green/yellow mucus first thing in the morning, not being able to wear perfume cause I smell like an ashtray 24/7, the horribly stinky breath I couldn't brush nor rinse away (not matter how hard I tried), and why am I calling this wonderfulness? Oh yea...NICOTINEEEEE. I craves it...BAD. Any tips?

-Since this blog is essentially about my goodies, I guess I oughta break the AWKWARDDDD cherry now: I am completely ashamed to admit it, but I have not groomed ms. thang in quite.some.time. I mean, a couple weeks at least! My reasoning was that I was starting my period soon (the week prior to my starting) and I didn't want to deal with itchy on top of crampy and bloaty. And since Hubs doesn't particularly enjoy his man business looking like a murder weapon, sexytime tends to take a small hiatus while Aunt Flo visits. No big deal. Then while said bitch aunt was visiting, I surely was not taking the extra time away from my heating pad & Harry Potter Snuggie***. Now that she has left the premises, should I groom prior to my test on Thursday? I mean, normally I don't really care when it's my yearly. I'm more concerned with what's going to take place and how much I hate it to give any grooming (besides an obvious super thorough shower-scrub) much thought. But this is a real important test...like a first-date-important... Do I groom real nice thus looking like a total kiss-ass, hoping teacher will give me a good grade? Or do I embrace the 70's afro and risk the doctor telling me that the test won't be needed because that.gawd.awful.bush is the reason I'm not knocked up yet, it's obviously scaring away all who dare attempt to enter...DUH!? Seriously people, these are the thoughts that plague me.

-Hearing the ungodly amount due for my HSG test (Thursday) from the front desk yesterday was kinda like a punch to the gut. What's worse? The billing department calling me again today to discuss the amount I owe before I allow them to cause me physical pain.:
"Um, yea you guys already called me yesterday..."
"Oh, we're sorry about the miss-communication between the front desk and the billing department. Hopefully we don't screw up the test and have to repeat it cause apparently our first impression with you is AWESOME. Seems like you're all set. See you on Thursday."
"Sure. Thanks. *BARF*"

-Graveyard sucks. That's really all there is to it. Minus the fact that I can fart and not hear another person, besides myself, complain of the aroma. That is niiiiiice...

Ok, that's all for now. BYEEEEEEE!



*I love country music, you'll soon learn that.
** I also love super geeky movies and will quote or reference them frequently. Get used to it.
***Are you finally getting it?

In case you read my last post....

I have deleted it. It was written in a moment of anger and bitterness. I seem to feel a lot of those two these days. I have since done my research, like the neurotic control-freak that I am, and have found out that AHCCCS does NOT cover infertility services. Not the testing, treatment, nada.
As for the cousin who sometimes speaks before thinking, I have decided to just keep my mouth shut. I am brushing the "lol" comment off and choosing to NOT inform her of what I found about her coverage. I don't want her to think that I am challenging her or cause her any pain or grief. If her husband and her choose to pursue fertility treament like us, they will find out just how much it costs and they will realize that it is no laughing matter. Unless you've lost your mind and I've heard of that happening!

I'm chocking this whole incident up to being a crazy, emotional girl trying to make it to closing time on a Monday. We're all allowed those slips...right?

Things NOT to say to a TTC-er

I came across this blog and I stalkishly started back at her first post. About three posts in, I found this post. I'll copy and paste so you don't have to continue clicking like a damn scavenger hunt:

What NOT to say to a TTCer.
These are all things that people have said to me. For realsies.

"Just Relax." Thanks for that gem! So useful and helpful to my situation.
I'll tell you this: the first 6 months, I was SO relaxed. I was Al Bundy, hands down my pants while sippin a brewsky and watching TV, relaxed. Guess what? That didn't make me pregnant! I know, hard to believe, right?!


"Just get really drunk, then do it!"
You're probably right! I bet alcohol really kicks the old reproductive plumbing into gear! I bet all the infertility drug companies are marketing Absolut in pill form as Clomid and charging all us dumbass infertiles triple. Fucking geniuses!

Just because someone you know, or a friend of a friend of a sister's brother in law got pregnant at a massive kegger, doesn't mean that it was the alcohol. It was the fact that she forgot to take her pill and didn't make the guy wear a condom. I know it sounds really OUT THERE, but trust me.

"Just Adopt! As soon as you do, you'll get pregnant!"Wha wha what?? I really don't see the relation between making the decision to adopt and getting pregnant. If you're thinking it would make me relax, you're wrong (and also, relaxation does not a baby make. See above).

"Try *this* position!" Really? I've tried top, bottom, top then bottom, bottom then top, froggy style, doggy style, wheel-barrow, reverse cowgirl, from the side, and in the ear. I've been screwed 7ways to Sunday until the cows came home, put on their pajamas and watched Leno. None of them have worked so far, but I bet THAT position will do it!


"Stand on your head after sex." Hey, I'll try that! I'll also make sure to kick you in the face, after I recover from my very serious
neck injury and my chiropractor says I can kick people in the face again.


"Go on vacation!" You could be correct. First, I will try relaxing. If that doesn't work, I will spend a ton of money on a vacation. It must be the magical combination of sand crotch and semen and friction. It doesn't even matter when you go - I've heard that you automatically ovulate every day at noon in Cancun. Siesta my ass! They're all making babies!


"Put eggwhites in your vagina"You're gross. Don't talk to me ever again. Ever. Also, don't ever plan on getting pregnant, because your husband will permenantly lose the ability to create an erection after you suggest this.

"Have more sex!" Really? Sex makes babies? I TOTALLY wasted that $5000 deposit at Storkbabydelivery.com. I better get a refund! I wonder if they are a BBB member??

"Have fun trying!" Ok, even I know this is innocent. I know people say this because they are uncomfortable and are trying to be positive. But it's obnoxious. If you say this, stop immediately.

"I wish I could give you some of my fertility, because I. Am. Fertile!"
This could be best shown by example, I think.

What? You lost both of your legs in a tragic sledding accident? Wow! I wish I could share my legs with you, because I have TWO and I am so lazy. I hate walking around. I would sit all the time if I could, but I just have so damn many legs!

*do you see what I did there? rubbed my legs in your stump-ass face?*
Please do not rub your fertility in my face. I think you're an asshole, and I keep that to myself. Also, I think your ass looks fat in those pants, yet I refrain. Please: return the favor.

"When are you going to start a family?" AKA: When are you going to have kids? When are you going to get pregnant already? Have you started trying for a baby? Why not? Tick tock!
Oh my sweet baby jesus christ! If there was an Emmy for nosiest motherfucker, you would win! Ask once, and if you don't get an answer, then TAKE A HINT!


Here's the bottom line: The only right thing to say is "I'm sorry, that really sucks. I hope it happens for you soon." It also doesn't hurt to just listen.

I thought I'd go ahead and add my own in there:

"'Hubs' already has a kid. Do you think there's something wrong with you?"
No way! I don't think that at all....excuse me while I go cry in the corner in the fetal position. Of course I think it's me. Of course, being the person I am, I place all of the blame on me. Thanks for pointing it out once again.

Every journey begins with a single step...

But which step was our first step? Where should I begin this story at?? I guess the very beginning. Don't worry, I'll try to make it the short version:

2006 - Girl meets Boy (please remind me to tell you about that story. It's truly fate!). Boy and Girl fall in love and begin dating. They soon realize that each other is "the one" and talk excitedly of the future.
2009 - Boy and Girl finally get married. While Boy already has a child from a previous relationship, they dream of the having a child that will have the Boy's nose & laugh, the Girl's smile & brains, and the perfect combination of their blue eyes. They unofficially start trying to make that dream reality.
2010 - Girl meets with doctor who says, "Try for one year and if nothing, come back to see me."
2010-2011 - Nothing. No pregnancies, no almost pregnancies. Just...nothing. Girl feels like her uterus is a barren desert wasteland.
September 15, 2011 - Girl goes back to doctor who sets up the schedule of events and writes on every referral, "Reason for referral: INFERTILITY"

And that's where we are today. I've read many other blogs of infertility or struggling to conceive and my heart breaks for them. Some never have periods, therefore never ovulate. I, on the other hand, ovulate and have a regular period every month. Some have been diagnosed with PCOS since they were young girls. I've seen many doctors and have been told, once, that I only have a tilted uterus. You're probably reading this thinking, Why on earth are you testing then? You seem perfectly healthy and normal. You're only 24! You have all the time in the world to try and conceive. Trust me, I've heard it all. But one thing you will learn about me is that I follow my gut and my gut is telling me that something just isn't right. My husband and I have not protected/prevented since 1 year after starting to date. We will have been together for 6 years in May 2012. I'm sure there are cases of women who have been with their spouse for 10 years before getting pregnant, I know there are exceptions...but if I can get the tests done now and ease my anxious mind, I say why not? It's better to find out now, while I am younger and I have years left for plan D after plan A,B & C all failed (if they should). You can't put a price tag on peace of mind.

So, going back to our first official infertility appointment: I started my period on Tuesday. I took that as a "sign". A negative "sign". I mean, starting your period before an appointment where the doctor may want to do "invasive" tests and such? I was a bit discouraged. Instead, I found out that instead of it being negative, I found out it may be a positive one. Apparently most of the fertility testing is to be completed on specific days of your cycle. Day one is the start bleeding date (Tuesday). The blood work tests should be done on Day 3, which so happened to be the day of my appointment! SCORE! So I got my blood drawn yesterday. Next week are my next two procedures: a Pelvic Ultrasound and a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). The ultrasound can be done whenever, but the HSG has to be done between days 5-12 of my cycle. This whole thing has worked out great! I walked out of that appointment...no...I practically skipped out of that appointment feeling more optimistic then I have in 2 years. Sure, I'm fully aware that the ultrasound is uncomfortable and the HSG is painful (not to mention expensive), but I feel closer to being pregnant then I ever have. And like I said earlier, you just can't put a price tag on that feeling.
The doctor also talked to me about getting my husband's sperm tested. Can you believe he has the nerve to be embarrassed? Ha ha. I told him that if all I had to do in all of this was have an orgasm, I would greatly change places! Ok, I'll be honest, I do understand where's coming from. He's already a very shy guy. I know that he's completely dreading have to do "it" because everyone there will know that he is. I'm not a very shy person though...oh no, I am very outgoing and boisterous. You can blame it on the Italian in me! When they say opposites attract, they surely meant my Husband and I! So being the fantastic wife that I am, I just have to rib him about it as much as I can!
She also printed me out a schedule that we may take up once the testing is complete. It includes the prescription drug Clomid, which I already warned my Hubs about. "Double the estrogen honey...you know what that means..." I saw him physically cringe. Secretly I did too. I suppose we won't get in to that until we need to though.

My reason for the blog is, just like any other blog, a place to vent and keep others updated. We're not making it very public that we're going through the testing...a few close friends and family members know and that's it. I'm not projecting it all over Facebook or even on my Tumblr. This is something I'd like to keep more private...as I type to post this all over the world wide web...'sigh'. Regardless, someday I may want to look back on this and remember how I feel today. The hope, the optimism, the happiness. There may be dark days ahead and I don't want to forget where we started...where we're coming from. And, of course, there's the hope that someday I can show this to the child we finally have and remind them of just how much I love them and that there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them.

Crossing fingers and toes,

Lindsay