Now since I lurve me some bullet points, I'll break down my experience according to each test I've endured thus far:
Pelvic Ultrasound: First ultrasound I've ever had. Pretty much the weirdest thing I've ever seen too. I know that all the sex education classes I had were forever-ago, but I always thought I was pretty knowledgeable about my body and it's subsequent parts. I was not aware that my uterus looks like a catfish at the bottom of a murky river. Seriously, when did that happen? I thought I was gonna see the Texas Longhorns logo. 'Parently not. All the while I'm thinking this, the tech goes about her business, recreating the Grand Canyon in my vagina. When the tech finally got my ovaries in view, I may or may not have waved "Hi kids!" at all my little follicles. I also may not have said in my sternest mommy-voice that they were grounded for life if they didn't get fertilized real soon! And SHUT THE DOOR WERE YOU BORN IN BAR-oh, yea. Woops! Rebellious little punks those kids are
Soon, the tech tells me that she thinks she see a "double uterine lining". Indicating a possible Double Uterus. Double the pleasure, Double the fun?? She wouldn't elaborate, but since I am not with child nor ever been close, I'm assuming it'll be more like the twins from The Shining. Now, because of this finding, she wants to look at my kidneys. The right one looks fine, I guess, although it seems we're still watching an episode of River Monsters*. The left one, looks normal to the tech, but to Curtis** it looks like Jabba the Hut. To me, however, it looks like Davey Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean. So we have now taken to lovingly referring to my uterus as The Kraken. And as you can tell by the picture, the Kraken loves to destroy
Results: Unknown at this point. I have to wait for someone with a M.D. (or equal value) to let me know...even though the tech has me thinking I have two uterus' at this point. RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!
Hysterosalpingogram (HSG): My heart was pounding. Not only was I scared to death of the test, but Curtis wasn't allowed back there with me, as it's a form of x-ray. TOTAL.DRAMA.QUEEN but we'll get to that. The fertility office was very nice. There were an obscene amount of copies of a local magazine that the doctor had made the cover of (for his success in ART), but the staff was very kind and they offered free soda (SCORE!). They made me take a urine pregnancy test (BAHAHAHA-Nice joke lady) and then get in the room for the procedure. Unlike the doctor said, I did feel the shot numbing my cervix, but it wasn't horrible. The cramping did suck, but when doesn't it suck. When the dye started to show up on the screen, I was finally rewarded with the Texas Longhorn symbol I'd been looking for, of course not quite as pretty as the diagram. I told the doctor what the tech said (I really hope I don't get her in trouble!!) and he said he didn't see anything like that. Relief! The test lasted a total of 5 minutes and I said total.drama.queen earlier because looking back it was NOTHING. The worst part of the whole thing was him cleaning my cervix and not because it hurt, but cause it's one of my least favorite feelings. I cringe just thinking about it. YUCK!
After we were done with the test, my vagina hollered something unmentionable-it rhymed with "I hate you punt"-and went in to hiding. I haven't seen her since.
Results: The great fertility doctor said he was going to send a hard copy to my fertility doctor(and OB/GYN) because once she gets the Ultrasound Tech's report, "She's going to be a bit confused. Everything looks great to me!". THE END.
Just kidding.
Labs (bloodwork) that I had done last week, but didn't talk about it until now cause it wasn't that big of a deal...until now: The nurse called me today (Friday) and said that my Androgen testing came back with high levels of Testosterone. That, leads them to believe that I may have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). And here I was thinking that my beard was because I am Polish and Italian; that my anxiety came from my Pop (grandfather); and my acne was just a given because all my cousins had acne issues...it just ran in our genes. Well, apparently so does this. While I'm relieved to know that it's something medical and not "Maybe God just doesn't think it's your time...", I'm scared. I'm aware that PCOS is way more common these days, and I like that it explains a lot of other things I have going on, but it still made my stomach**** drop a bit to hear it. Of course, the nurse explained they will have to wait on the Ultrasound to be sure that I have it, but knowing how my blood levels turned out and all the other symptoms I have, I won't be too surprised to hear that I do indeed have PCOS. We have a follow-up with my doctor on October 20th, so that she has the results from all of our testing in. Curtis goes in next Friday for his "test" and if you're friends with him on Facebook, you'll see his sad little countdown (I've forbade him from posting what he's counting down to). It's so lame to hear him complain about it! Does it make me a mean wife to hope that they want him to test a second time?? Yes, I think it does and I have no shame!
In other news, I had a co-worker bet me $20 that I will be pregnant in 6 months. I really wanted to say, "Instead of $20, how about a nice punch in the wiener?? And how about I collect on that loss now??", but I held my tongue. I wish people would stop telling me that "When you quit trying is when it happens." Really? I tried that whole "Please don't get pregnant. I will do anything, please don't fertilize my eggs!" When we first got together....6 years ago! It really doesn't work. He also said, "Sheesh, I wish I had that problem." No, you don't, cause then you wouldn't be able to rub pictures of your grandbabies in my face every chance you got. Asshole.
*Curtis and James' (my step-kiddo) FAVORITE.SHOW.EVAH.
**My husbands name. Why it took me 6 posts to finally get it out, I don't know. My feeble attempt at anonymity, I suppose. Who cares now when I've already talked of farting?***
***I'm sorry for that by the way.
****I hate the word tummy. It makes me cringe!
Don't beat meh. But I think nowadays docs,make shit up. Seriously. "Oh you can't have a kid? No? Lemme diagnose you with ASHSDGS!
ReplyDelete-- "Oh you're returning from overseas and are a bit stressed? PTSD!!" -- "OH! Are you fat as a house and can't find your vag? GASTRIC BYPASS will be your cure-all!" -- And so on and so forth. Did you know Mat was suppose to be shooting dead swimmers. And not just dead swimmers but like his penis was "supposedly" like,just spitting. Spitting spitballs. Yeah. Not even semen. SPITBALLS OF SPIT! And who has 3 kids? My cousin was informed she has like a Q shaped uterus. She'll never conceive. There's more of a chance Amanda will lose 500lbs...blah blah blah. She has a daughter (who by the way is so awfully spoiled. To the point if her Mama holds another baby,she throws a FIT,on the ground screaming. You WILL raise bebe #1,better then that. Bebe #2 will be livid if not)
I'm sure your doctor is knowledgeable. Maybe you do have a J shaped uterus,that has a Longhorn's logo in it. Maybe your do have PTSD of the vag. MAYBE....but maybe just maybe,you also have a clitbag of a vag,whose being a douche face. And shit will happen. No idea when,but it will.
Ps. What til you get a ultrasound of your baby. I always felt like BAD MOM OF THE YEAR,when they'd say,"See those little feet?" -- "NooOooOoo,but I see that alien chicken bean with dolphin fins. I like to think he/she takes after their father...."
XOXO,
Dragon
SO, I was a little behind on reading your blog. But I'm all caught up now! You had me cracking up a few times, that's for sure.
ReplyDeleteI think of you and your husband often, and hope things move along quickly for you two, because I think you would be such a darling little mama.
Last thing, I have PCOS. So the comments about that definitely had me rolling. Always fun to know someone else that (maybe) has the same awful curse that I do. :) Keep posting, and I'll try and stay up on your posts! Xoxo.