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In case you guys don't already have a glimpse in to who Lindsay Henderson really is, here's a screenshot of an order I placed on Amazon this morning...about 5 minutes ago actually:

Zombies and infertility...quite the combination don't ya think?

If you haven't already deduced from the picture, I am going to be hanging out with my good friend Clomid again this month. I decided that since I already have the pills and I won't have to make multiple trips to the big city to get an ultrasound and what not, I'm going to take this next round and just, dare I say, relax through it. As tired as I get with having to do this over and over, it feels better to be doing something, anything, with my reproductive system, than to just sit around. So, you may say that we've found a middle ground between "taking a break" and "complete round". If at the end of this laid-back round I find myself feeling defeated or what-not again, then I won't be doing another until September, when we will begin looking in to IUI's. 

In the meantime, I'm going to obviously overload myself on zombie goodies and try to work on my health again. It helped me get out of my funk last time, it could work again this time! 

As always, thank you all for the support and kind words. It really means a lot to Curtis and I. Good luck to those of you walking this journey with us! 

Another one bites the dust

I've been putting off posting for a couple days now, I guess it's time I finally just do it:

We have another failed round under our belt. Tuesday morning at 12am, I was, of course, sleeping. I woke up and had not yet started my period. Hope began to grow. It continued to grow as the day went on with lack of cramps and blood, but with sore boobies. I then made a deal with myself that if I made it through Wednesday, I would test.
I woke up Wednesday morning and grabbed a decaf coffee, just in case. I continued through my day, foolishly thinking I might actually be pregnant this time. I started some mild cramping that felt more like stomach pains, but each wipe showed no signs of blood. Until that afternoon.

I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself. For as rotten and sad as I feel, I haven't cried once. Even when I saw on Facebook that my Mother-in-law's boyfriend's daughter gave birth to a baby boy, making her a "grandma" again before I could. I know that sounds bitter, and I'm sorry Mom (if you're reading this), but as the rest of you infertiles know, those things can knock us right for a loop. I'm not sure if I'm being "strong" for Curtis, so he doesn't have to see me fall apart again, or if I may just becoming numb to this whole....situation. To be completely honest with you guys, I've been debating lately on starting our break a couple months earlier. I have enough Clomid, and time, for two more rounds before my step-kiddo arrives, but I'm kinda feeling a bit too defeated these days. Almost like I'm tired of trying so hard. I've even been tossing around the idea of adoption in my head, even though we're nowhere near being ready for that (I think we'd need to own a house and get a few more things in the row for something like that). My mindset lately is just....weird...off, even. I just can't find the motivation within me to keep being letdown. 6 months of medicated cycles, although technically only 2 have been worth a damn, has just worn me out. I've put back on all the weight I lost last summer. I've got other issues going on in my life (family drama, what's new). I just wonder if I need to get right with me for the time being....

One of my biggest concerns with taking a break is how can I get myself to produce some follicles? That's what the Clomid is doing and if I'm not on the Clomid, and I don't grow any follies, therefore no ovulation & period, do I have to take Provera to jump start my reproductive system again in September? That was the medicine that gave me blurry/bright light vision. It was some hardcore shit!

But on the opposite side of the scale, what's just two more rounds of Clomid. My RE even said I wouldn't have to go in for an ultrasound. If I got my period, I would know I had ovulated. While I hate those damn ovulation predictor kits, it might be nice to have kind of a "laid back" round.

I guess some of these are questions I should be asking my doctor and I will probably put a call in to her office today or tomorrow to let them know my plan of action. I only have a short window of time to decide before I lose my window of opportunity for this round.

I'm just tired ya, know?

Conversations with the bitter infertile (me)

I keep saying Facebook is the devil and damn if it doesn't keep proving me right. Here's the story:

This girl I know from High School started trying to get pregnant in like, April/May of last year, right after her wedding. We had talked about Curtis & mine's struggle and that we were going to see a fertility specialist in August. I guess somewhere along the line in January, she deactivated her page because I stopped seeing posts from her. She just came back on Facebook last week and posted a status: "Me and my husband are finally pregnant after a year of trying! So happy!!" I was so jealous I promptly hid all her status reports and decided that ignoring her was the best option. So since then I have not seen ANYTHING she has posted. Apparently, she decided to message me. Here's the conversation we had yesterday...

Now, before I get in to this a little further, I guess I should explain some things. I did not "come out" on Facebook about our infertility for pity. I do not expect people to sympathize or tell me day in and day out how sorry they are that we are having to go through this. I told all of those on my friends list (in December) because I want infertility to not be a taboo subject anymore. I was also hoping that I would be able to find someone struggling like we are so we can bitch and moan about all of it together. It was not about attention and it's NOT all I talk about. If you were my friend on Facebook, you would see that I rarely bring it up and I still go about my regular trying-to-be-witty status updates. 

With that being said, I still have feelings and I still feel hurt/jealous when other women end up pregnant. I seem like I'm handling all of this ok, and maybe I am, but it still gets to me. And for this friend to try and have that conversation with me, felt like a rub in my face. Let's say she didn't know about our infertility and that she was just asking me a question. This is not her first pregnancy. She has two other kids. She also has 438 other friends she could've asked this question too. Why me? She knows I have never been pregnant. I'm obviously not pregnant now. Nor do I even have a medical degree of any sort. I even asked her after this screenshot, "I mean this in the nicest way possible, but why did you ask me?" She responded with, "I know. I thought I would just try." Try what exactly?? I still cannot justify this inquiry in my head at all, even after sleeping on it and having Starbucks this morning. What the actual hell was the point? Did I expect her to message me and say, "Oh, I'm so sorry that you and Curtis still are not pregnant. Hang in there, it will happen"?? Maybe a little. I by no means expect people to apologize for getting pregnant, but a little tact never hurt. Jumping right in to the conversation without any thought to acknowledge my feelings or my struggles just seemed selfish. Blame it on jealousy, or the fact that I can be quite the bitter infertile, but this was just plain rude. Well-meaning intentions or not. 

On to some good news...or just news: We've hit the middle mark of the two week wait. We've got one more week and then I can freely test, although I'm not sure I'm going to this time. I think I'm going to just wait until past d-day and then go from there. At this point, d-day is next Monday, so Tuesday will be the final hour. As always, prayers/thoughts/baby dust are welcome! Even some comments, if you're feeling particularly froggy...

Have a good one y'all! 

Lessons Learned

Recently, as in Sunday night, Curtis and I hit a bit of rough patch, and even though I am notorious for "not holding back" and always "giving it to people straight, even if it's a bit too much information", I would like to keep most of the reason why between myself and my husband. I do, however, want to share with you what I learned from our snafu. It's really easy for me to get wrapped up in my emotions. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just naturally a selfish person. I'm always in my head; analyzing, thinking, worrying, and feeling; and while I'd like to blame most of it on the medication, I do think that some of it is just who I am. So naturally, I've been totally wrapped up in myself over this infertility business. How sad I am when I don't get a positive pregnancy test, how jealous I get when I see people who are pregnant or have just given birth, etc, etc. I've talked about it with Curtis and he knows how I feel each time we have another failed round, but I never stopped to ask how he felt. I just assumed that because he already has a son, that if we were to never get pregnant, he would be ok since he was already a father. He couldn't possibly understand what I was going through because he already has someone who calls him Daddy and loves him the way a child loves their parent. I was completely wrong. Every time I cried was, so I was told, a stab in Curtis' heart. He felt the sting of failure right along with me, and then felt the pain of seeing my heartbreak right on top of it. While I would feel that desperation to become a mother, he felt the desperation as well, but not for him, for me. Of course, I know my husband loves me, and yes I know that he would do anything for me, but I always chocked up his quietness to him just being a guy and not really having the range of emotions that I do because, let's face it, women are psychotic messes. There isn't really anything that will humble you faster that knowing that your husband feels the pressure to "fix" whatever is making his woman cry. To be blunt, I felt like such an asshole. All this time I had been harping on him, going in to my crazy mood swings full force, and he had been taking it like a champ, fretting over each cycle that it might fail and I will have another breakdown. Needless to say, I have very certainly built a bridge and gotten the fuck over myself. Curtis doesn't need to hear every gripe and moan I have, nor do I need to focus on them.
That's a lesson I will surely not forget any time soon.

The Good, the bad, and the infamous shot

Yesterday we had our monitoring ultrasound. Curtis was able to come with me, which was awesome because I could finally introduce two of the most important guys in my life, haha, my RE and my husband. Unfortunately, with the appointment being a Saturday, my doctor was extremely busy so we didn't get a whole lot of time to talk, but I'm still glad they got to meet.
Well, the ultrasound itself went ok, but we did receive some disheartening news. It seems as if I am becoming resistant to the Clomid. Once again, I was only on 50mg, but instead of 4 follicles maturing, we only had 1. Dr. A said that he has seen this before, a woman becoming used to the Clomid and having to up the dosage, but it still kinda hit me like a punch in the gut. He said that next month, if we have to start again, to go ahead and take 75 mg. I told him about the Walmart pharmacy fiasco and him, and his nurse, informed that it's pretty normal for Walmart to screw up when filling scripts. Looks like I'm going to be moving back to Fry's, or maybe even the mom and pop pharm downtown, but I'll have to see which one is going to give me the least grief. At this point, money really isn't an object.
Back to the ultrasound, Dr. A gave me another script for a trigger shot, so we went and picked that up while in the big city, as well as did some shopping for our big camping trip next weekend. Here's a shot of the goods:

I'm really looking forward to it! My brother and his fiance and my brother's friend are all coming up and we'll be out there from Friday until Sunday morning, since Curtis has an overtime shift on Monday night. Going out on the boat and camping always helps me relax and I think it's a good distraction while waiting for the two week mark. Plus, I get to use my brand spanking new pole (see it up above). It's pink and I love it! 

Speaking of two week wait, I gave myself the Ovidrel shot today at noon. Which means, Tuesday morning at 12am sharp, I will ovulate. I timed it that way so we would have a bit more workaround for "sexy time". Last month we were kinda rushed, it being cycle day 13 and all, and even though it is sex, waking up earlier than normal and trying to squeeze it in before work (we already get up at 5:45am) is really not "fun". 

Giving myself the shot was not as easy as it was last time, which is probably because Curtis gave it to me then. I'm not sure if I tensed, or if I am just being one big dramatic baby, but I really felt it this time. No me gusta, let me tell you that*. It wasn't so much the needle, it was afterwards, the injection site felt a bit of discomfort. Maybe cause I just pulled it from the fridge, and I didn't warm it up, but I was at my cousin's house and I wanted to be quick about it. I wanted to get back to this cute little face:

This, my good friends, is a 7 week old Dachshund. Isn't he the cutest little thing ever?? I sent this picture to Curtis and he said that I could get one (the lady he came from has some more that are almost ready, but not red like him, they are black/brown), but I'm not sure if I should. Sure I'm feeling mothering and such now, and I want to baby something and cuddle with it, but am I ready to potty and kennel train? Plus, would my two big dogs play nice with one? They are nice to the chihuahua from next door when the little girl comes over to play with my stepson, even though it looks like they are trying to eat him. I guess I'll just wait a couple days and see if I still want to get one...

Oh my gosh, I just realized I never told you guys about my decision with the IUI! Where is my brain at?!? Well, I'm sure you can already tell, but we're not doing an IUI this month. In fact, we are probably not going to take that step until September. We're not prepared to pay for an IUI out of pocket for the next couple rounds, so we're going to take our summer break to save up...if we get that far of course. After my period started, I felt so desperate and heartbroken I thought jumping to an IUI would help me, but instead it made me a bit more stressed. I feel comfortable sticking to this plan for the next couple rounds, before my stepson gets here in June. I just think it's the best idea for us right now. 

Well, I guess this post has gone on quite long enough. I think I covered everything, but if not, I'll be back in the next coming days to discuss the inevitable two week wait we're starting again. As always, send your prayers, thoughts and/or baby dust! 

*Throwing in a little spanglish for you guys. I do live next to the border y'all...

Key words

Just thought I should bring to attention some of the phrases that lead people to my crazy blog:

Starting Clomid: Good luck! The hot flashes SUCK...

What not to say to ttc: It's nice to see people searching this topic! Maybe we can solve all the stupid comments we get...

Longhorn shaped uterus: Wow...how do you guys just get me?

If the person that searched that last phrase is still here, just know that I love you. You made my entire week with that!

Just a couple things

- I am pretty sure I messed up that last post when I said that the Clomid is 10mg each pill. They are actually 50mg each pill, like the pharm tech said, but whatever...they were still morons.
- I finally heard from my RE and he said that he would prefer to have me have an ultrasound on cycle day 12 (a Sunday), instead of cycle day 13 (like I did last month) because we run the risk that I will ovulate before the ultrasound. I'm kinda freaking out because if he gives me the trigger shot that day, we will be scheduled for insemination on cycle day 14...which is a day that Curtis has to work!! ugh. I planned it starting on day 13 for a insemination on day 15 and that's the day that Curtis took off. Now I'm trying to decide if we're going to go through with the cycle day 13 plan or if we should just scrap the whole insemination process for next month. I already missed my day 3 ultrasound to check for any cysts, and while Doc said he'd move forward, I have money to think about too. It's going to cost us about $880 for each IUI. I only have about $1100 in our Health Savings Account. Maybe we should try one more round of just TI before we jump to IUI. I'm so indecisive!! It doesn't help that Curtis is on graveyard this week, so he's sleeping right now. I can't get his input until 4 this afternoon when he wakes up. UGH!
-We're making the jump back to court this month. Baby Mama moved AGAIN and is having my stepson switch schools AGAIN. Curtis is fed up so we're pursuing full custody. Life is surely about to get WAY more interesting.

I think that's it! Any feedback or ideas would greatly help :) Good luck and baby dust to all of you!

Husbands and Hangovers

Doesn't that sound like a country song? I think so! A number one country song! haha.

Curtis surprised me yesterday by letting me know that he took the 14th off this month so that we can continue with our plans for an IUI! I was so happy I almost squeezed him to death! So, plans for our IUI continue on and I start my Clomid on Friday. Speaking of Clomid, I had another run in with the intelligent folks at the Walmart Pharmacy yesterday when picking up my script. Ugh. First off, let me tell you that I live in a pretty small town. There's no mall. There's no Target. There's a Walmart, Fry's, two Safeways and that's it. No chain restaurants; just 8 Mexican food restaurants, 1 Italian place, 2 Chinese places, 3 American joints, and fast food (McDonald's, 2 Taco Hell's, 2 Subways, Wendy's, Church's chicken and Dairy Queen). It's a good thing we love tacos!
Anyways, we only have three options for pharmacy's: Wally World, Fry's and a small little mom-and-pop pharmacy downtown. I prefer Walmart cause they seemed cheaper. I'm starting to rethink this. Read all about my first fiasco with trying to get my Clomid prescription here. Now let me tell you about yesterday's chaos.

I called my doctor's office and let them know that I started my period so I needed a new script called in for me. The nurse (not Nurse C) returned my call and said she was helping out Nurse C and called in 100mg's for me. I told her I'm only on 50mg. She responded with, "Well, only take half the dosage." Okay, whatever. Also, for the record, she didn't sound that condescending. And she did wish me good luck before we hung up!
So, we get to Wally World to pick up my pills. Remember, that I called on Monday to see if they had some in stock in order to prevent the last experience from occurring again. The nice little lady told me that they had "20 dosages on the shelf and I don't think they are going to go that fast...". Well, back to yesterday, I wait my turn in line. I get to the counter and give all my information. The lady says, "It's not ready. In fact, it's not even in stock." I felt my blood start to boil as my voice took on an edge that I normally don't use, "I called ON MONDAY to check to see if it was in stock. I was told you had 20 dosages on the shelf. You're telling me that it's ALL GONE and it's only Wednesday?" I was borderline furious. How can this be happening..AGAIN? Another tech speaks up and tells me, "Yea, that was me that you talked to. It's all gone." Oh really..."Well, I find that hard to believe." I guess I scared her, because she went to "go check". Brings me back a box and says, "Here's another one, but the dosage is 50mg. You have a prescription for 100mg." I said, "Yea, and you're holding about 200mg in your hand right now." "But one pill is 50mg.." "No, it says here on the box that for 50mg, you take one pill, by mouth, for 5 days. That's 5 pills, 10mg each." At this point I'm flabbergasted that I am explaining dosage to a PHARMACY TECH. Didn't you have to go to school for this? Isn't that your certification on the wall? Exasperated, she tells me to go to the other window and she's going to work this out.
She starts arguing with another tech that this script is coded wrong AND has to start explaining the whole thing to the pharmacist who responds, "Well, it's not covered by insurance..." DUH! If you look at the records, I paid cash last time. "Well, if she wants to pay cash..." I wanted to SCREAM at this guy! Of course I want to pay cash. I'll pay you in GUM if have to! How do these people who have to go to school and be certified in all the medication in the world, know what it does and what would happen if mixed with another medication, not understand the reason why I am ingesting these pills?? Thankfully I have explained my situation to another tech there, so they got started on my pills right away.
10 minutes later, you want to know how many pills I walked out of there with?? 200mg's of Clomid. What. the. actual. fuck? I'm just baffled at these people. I think it's time I go back to Fry's pharmacy. At least they know how to read apparently.

Oh, and I did exactly what I told everyone I was going to do last night; drank an ENTIRE bottle of Pinot Grigio. Out of a Red Solo Cup to boot! If you thought I had any class before, I just cemented it with that comment. I woke up this morning with cramps from hell, a headache and a queasy stomach...until I ate an english muffin and downed a cup of full-strength coffee. Now, it's lunch time and I'm ready to go!
I also have another post coming of things I can do now that I'm not pregnant. I figure it's a list to get me through each time Aunt Flow returns with a vengeance. Be on the lookout!