I've been putting off posting for a couple days now, I guess it's time I finally just do it:
We have another failed round under our belt. Tuesday morning at 12am, I was, of course, sleeping. I woke up and had not yet started my period. Hope began to grow. It continued to grow as the day went on with lack of cramps and blood, but with sore boobies. I then made a deal with myself that if I made it through Wednesday, I would test.
I woke up Wednesday morning and grabbed a decaf coffee, just in case. I continued through my day, foolishly thinking I might actually be pregnant this time. I started some mild cramping that felt more like stomach pains, but each wipe showed no signs of blood. Until that afternoon.
I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself. For as rotten and sad as I feel, I haven't cried once. Even when I saw on Facebook that my Mother-in-law's boyfriend's daughter gave birth to a baby boy, making her a "grandma" again before I could. I know that sounds bitter, and I'm sorry Mom (if you're reading this), but as the rest of you infertiles know, those things can knock us right for a loop. I'm not sure if I'm being "strong" for Curtis, so he doesn't have to see me fall apart again, or if I may just becoming numb to this whole....situation. To be completely honest with you guys, I've been debating lately on starting our break a couple months earlier. I have enough Clomid, and time, for two more rounds before my step-kiddo arrives, but I'm kinda feeling a bit too defeated these days. Almost like I'm tired of trying so hard. I've even been tossing around the idea of adoption in my head, even though we're nowhere near being ready for that (I think we'd need to own a house and get a few more things in the row for something like that). My mindset lately is just....weird...off, even. I just can't find the motivation within me to keep being letdown. 6 months of medicated cycles, although technically only 2 have been worth a damn, has just worn me out. I've put back on all the weight I lost last summer. I've got other issues going on in my life (family drama, what's new). I just wonder if I need to get right with me for the time being....
One of my biggest concerns with taking a break is how can I get myself to produce some follicles? That's what the Clomid is doing and if I'm not on the Clomid, and I don't grow any follies, therefore no ovulation & period, do I have to take Provera to jump start my reproductive system again in September? That was the medicine that gave me blurry/bright light vision. It was some hardcore shit!
But on the opposite side of the scale, what's just two more rounds of Clomid. My RE even said I wouldn't have to go in for an ultrasound. If I got my period, I would know I had ovulated. While I hate those damn ovulation predictor kits, it might be nice to have kind of a "laid back" round.
I guess some of these are questions I should be asking my doctor and I will probably put a call in to her office today or tomorrow to let them know my plan of action. I only have a short window of time to decide before I lose my window of opportunity for this round.
I'm just tired ya, know?
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