Lessons Learned

Recently, as in Sunday night, Curtis and I hit a bit of rough patch, and even though I am notorious for "not holding back" and always "giving it to people straight, even if it's a bit too much information", I would like to keep most of the reason why between myself and my husband. I do, however, want to share with you what I learned from our snafu. It's really easy for me to get wrapped up in my emotions. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just naturally a selfish person. I'm always in my head; analyzing, thinking, worrying, and feeling; and while I'd like to blame most of it on the medication, I do think that some of it is just who I am. So naturally, I've been totally wrapped up in myself over this infertility business. How sad I am when I don't get a positive pregnancy test, how jealous I get when I see people who are pregnant or have just given birth, etc, etc. I've talked about it with Curtis and he knows how I feel each time we have another failed round, but I never stopped to ask how he felt. I just assumed that because he already has a son, that if we were to never get pregnant, he would be ok since he was already a father. He couldn't possibly understand what I was going through because he already has someone who calls him Daddy and loves him the way a child loves their parent. I was completely wrong. Every time I cried was, so I was told, a stab in Curtis' heart. He felt the sting of failure right along with me, and then felt the pain of seeing my heartbreak right on top of it. While I would feel that desperation to become a mother, he felt the desperation as well, but not for him, for me. Of course, I know my husband loves me, and yes I know that he would do anything for me, but I always chocked up his quietness to him just being a guy and not really having the range of emotions that I do because, let's face it, women are psychotic messes. There isn't really anything that will humble you faster that knowing that your husband feels the pressure to "fix" whatever is making his woman cry. To be blunt, I felt like such an asshole. All this time I had been harping on him, going in to my crazy mood swings full force, and he had been taking it like a champ, fretting over each cycle that it might fail and I will have another breakdown. Needless to say, I have very certainly built a bridge and gotten the fuck over myself. Curtis doesn't need to hear every gripe and moan I have, nor do I need to focus on them.
That's a lesson I will surely not forget any time soon.