Still me, just slightly crazier

As you know I've been hoping that we would be one of the "lucky ones". No, not those lucky ones who get pregnant one drunken night with their spouse. Or those lucky ones that threw out their birth control the month prior to their wedding and got knocked up 2-3 months later. I'm talking about the "lucky ones" who go through the HSG test and sometimes get pregnant thanks to the little pipe cleaning that took place. My hope grew even more when I started cramping a while back, but nothing came of it. My hope grew to an even bigger size when Curtis' results came back with "SPERM ANALYSIS GOOD".

As of yesterday afternoon, driving home from work (cycle day 30) I wasn't bleeding, I wasn't cramping, my lower back wasn't hurting; I was only feeling the same nipple pain I've been feeling for at least a week now. My hope grew to an OUTRAGEOUS size. By "outrageous size" I mean: imagining myself peeing on a stick, seeing that glorious double pink line, taking a picture with my iPhone, editing it in Instagram*, pulling it to my computer, putting it on a flash drive, taking it to Walmart and printing a copy, inserting said copy into a sapp 'I love you just cause' card, then driving to Curtis' work and giving him the card. He hollers, sweeps me off my feet in a joyous hug while I'm laughing and crying and so overcome with happiness that I can hardly freaking stand it... See? OUTRAGEOUS. But, as all good little infertiles know, that hope has to come back to cackle and spit in our face and show us who's really boss. I woke up this morning around 3ish due to my dogs barking at the wind blowing** and felt some major cramping. I thought, Oh there you are bitch and went back to sleep. I got up later when my alarm went off and went pee. TMI ALERT: I felt my stomach roll and thought maybe that cramping was just me having to do the completely unlady-like act of a #2, until I wiped. Blood. Red, not really brown at all. Very light, but enough to knock my ass right off that damn high-horse. I immediately reached for a tampon. Curtis heard the tell-tale wrapper and asked, "Did you start bleeding?" I could hear the disappointment in his voice (and that's always the hardest part...knowing I'm not the only one let down here). "Yea, a little" I responded and since then, I've been sad, dejected Lindsay all morning.

The worst part about this? I keep trying to talk myself out of it. You could still be pregnant I think. A little red blood is fine! I bet you'll remove that tampon and there will be hardly anything at all. Your nipples still hurt! That's not normal for you! Once you start bleeding that pain goes away usually. It's such a viscious cycle I'm on***! I oughta be used to it by now. Anytime my gums bleed while brushing my teeth, I'm Pregnant!! I smell something Curtis can't, I'm Pregnant!! I feel sick to my stomach, then eat something and feel better, I'm fat Pregnant!! That's pretty much how every month goes. And yet still I sit here thinking Is that a cramp? Maybe a little bit. But pregnant women still cramp a little in the beginning...sometimes. Maybe I'll be one of those pregnant women who still gets their period? Yea, that's it.  Does this ever end?! Oh yea, it does...when I can finally, actually say, "I'm Pregnant!!"


Until then, I guess I have to settle for, "I'm not pregnant, I'm Crazy!!"






*Wanting to edit a picture of a stick I just pissed on kinda confirms the crazy now doesn't it?
**Seriously, my dogs bark at everything.
***No pun intended...Or was it?