Round 5

Got my period this morning. I shed a couple tears, but I'm being "strong" since I'm at work. The hardest part of all of it isn't the fact that I know I'm not pregnant for sure, but the look on my husbands face when I tell him. It's a mixture of sadness and pity. I know he means well, and there's not much he can do to console me besides hold me, but it's so hard to constantly not only let myself down, but him too. He wants this just as badly as I do. *sigh*

Remember how we were going to move on to an IUI this cycle? Yea, that's probably not going to happen. Curtis' work has a shutdown next month and it's next to impossible to get a day off. When I looked at the calendar I saw that my cycle day 12 is a Monday, but if I trigger then, we would have to do the IUI on a day that he works. It would be cycle day 14 when I could trigger so he could make it in with me. I don't think we can wait that long; I may end up ovulating on my own. At his work, without a two weeks notice, he can't request a day off. UGH. It sucks.

I'm having a pretty bummer day guys. I'm trying to pick it up, because we have Curtis' Grams' birthday party tonight, but I'm struggling. I know I'll get through it, with a smile on my face, but now I understand why people keep quiet about this. Everyone is going to want to talk about it while I just want to get drunk. Anybody have any suggestions for a good bottle of wine that goes with stew??

In other AWESOME news: Rumor has it Snooki is pregnant. Please excuse me while I go throw myself off a fucking bridge.

Moving on...

I spoke to Nurse C and my fabulous OBGYN Dr. M yesterday. I told them that I wanted to either do an IUI on the next cycle or I want to, at least, have a post-coital test. My doctor replied that post-coital tests are not recommended anymore, but she is comfortable with us progressing to an IUI. BUT, she wants me to wait until tomorrow to see if my period finally arrives (as of right now, it still hasn't). If by, say, Wednesday afternoon, Aunt Flow doesn't show, then I have to call Nurse C to schedule me for a blood beta test. It's exciting to think that I might make it that far, but I'm not really holding out hope at this point. My back hurts and I feel like my period is just waiting for midnight to show up. UGH.
Anyways, I did email my RE, Dr. A, as he's out of the office this week. I'm hoping he checks his email while he's out, but if not, it's not a huge deal. I'll just talk to him when he gets back. God, a vacation sounds great doesn't it?
OH! And I called Walmart to make sure that they have Clomid in stock and ready for me. Haha. I am NOT playing that game again. The lady said they have about 20 in stock and she "doesn't think they're going to go that fast...". Hahaha. I'm popping those like tic-tacs for the last two months. I'll clear that supply by summer time!

Welp, there's the daily update. Hi to new readers!! Good luck and baby dust to all of you :)

Crying at 6 am

I kicked my Monday morning off with a little pregnancy test. As normal, it was negative. I cried as I got ready for the day and then most of the way in to work. I'm in absolutely no mood to be here today, but gotta push through, right? Curtis swears we can't trust the test...that it's not over until the fat lady bleeds (hah, came up with that this morning, a-thank you!), but I'm taking it for what it is: Not Pregnant. Wednesday is the final reckoning day, so I guess we'll see what happens...
Remember when my Mom told me that we were just doing all this for attention. I can't tell you how much I had wished that were true. I hoped and prayed that it was going to take one actual round of medication to get me knocked up. I wouldn't care if people whispered behind my back or whatever, because I'd be pregnant. But as always, "God has other plans for us" and it just...sucks. I don't understand what's going wrong?? My lining was thick and ready, Curtis' swimmers are "fantastic", I quit drinking caffeine, I had 4 follicles for crying out loud! Four that potentially dropped and I can't get one to fertilize and stick. I feel dejected and not good enough. I hate infertility.
I'm thinking of talking to my RE about an IUI. Either that or a post-coital test. We need some more answers as to what's going wrong. Regardless, today is going to be a hard day. I'm doing everything I can to not cry while at work. Have I mentioned I hate infertility??

1 week left

This 2 week wait is going by SO SLOW. I have spent as much of it "relaxing" as I could, hoping that it will help, but I think that's only making it drag on. This past weekend we went camping with my brother S, his fiance B, my other brother Z, his girlfriend J, and S's friend J, and J's girlfriend K. It was...ok. It rained all Thursday night and most of Friday with temperatures around 30 degrees. Saturday was warm, but I'd had all I could take so we left that day. Sunday we bought a pontoon boat, which I was stressing about because $5,000 was a lot to drop in one purchase, but I really think it will be worth it this summer. We spend SO MUCH TIME out at the lake or river during the warmer months, but it's always a hassle because we have to fish off the shore. We can go out to the other side of the lake or troll around islands and see what we can catch. Now, with this boat, we can! I also think my stepson is going to LOVE it when he comes out this summer. I can't wait to see his face! Not to mention just see him in general. I've really missed him, as has Curtis, and judging from pictures we've seen recently, he looks like he's grown so much! That makes sense as it's been almost a year since we've seen him....

In other news, all I want to do is pee on a stick. I've refrained, of course, because I don't want to jinx it, but every time I go to the bathroom and wipe, I make sure there's no blood. In this next week, everyday I pass without that will be a tiny victory. Crazy, yea, I know. I'm still staying optimistic, well, as optimistic as I can. I'm feeling no symptoms whatsoever. If anything, I feel exhausted, but that could be from the cold I have and the lack of caffeine. Other than that my boobs are fine, I cramped a bit the other day, I've seen no blood, and I have no nausea. I keep hoping those things, besides the blood, will creep up soon. In the meantime, my fingers are still crossed and I'm asking everyone who knows for a little baby dust. Hey, it couldn't hurt!

Also, there has been quite a bit of activity on my page...most of it is from Tumblr and Pinterest. If you're following me, or reading this periodically, I would LOVE for you to introduce yourself or just give a quick, "Hi!". I promise I'm really nice person and I love to meet new people! C'mon....

As always, keep the prayers/thoughts/baby dust coming this way! We've got just a handful of days left before I'm confident on testing... Thanks so much for sticking around! You guys will be the first to know!

Cycle Update - Entering the 2 week wait

This little sucker cost us $90!! 

As you can see from above, our ultrasound yesterday went splendidly! Doctor found 3 follicles on my left ovary, all around 15-18mm, and one follicle at 18mm on my right ovary. He said while that is still a high number, he felt ok with us going ahead for the month. He also said that we could even go down a smidge on the Clomid next month, but I'm, of course, hoping that there won't be a treatment plan next month! 

Anyways, for those who don't know, that little shot in the picture above is called the infamous "trigger shot". 36 hours after injection, I will ovulate and potentially drop all the mature eggs I have growing. Since we've gone the trigger shot route, we will not need have timed intercourse (every other day). We only have to  have our marital relations, like, three times in the next 36 hours. Anything after that is pointless because the egg only lives for 24 hours. That is one reason I decided to ask for the shot. The other is that I HATE those over the counter LH tests (ovulation predictor kits). When I was taking them in November, it said that I ovulated, when we all know that I was not responding to the Femara at all. I told my RE yesterday that I really didn't want to have to rely on those to narrow down my ovulation date. He completely agreed with me. He said those tests are horrible and misleading. So he called me in the shot and here we are! 

Now, you can't get this shot at just any pharmacy. You have to go to a special one called an Apothecary. The wait was pretty fast (about 20 minutes) and the pharmacist is super nice. It was right across the way from another fertility clinic, so I'm sure they get orders like mine on the regular. They also gave me an ice pack, since I'm 1,000 miles away* from home and the shot needs to be refrigerated. Of course Curtis just had to be the one to give me the shot, since, ya know, he's an EMT and that makes him the most "qualified" in our house for any and all medical needs. (Sorry for the sarcasm honey! You know I'm just kidding...). Regardless, he did a great job, even though he was really nervous about "sticking me". The injection didn't hurt at all and I have no redness or anything. I'm sure that's expected as this isn't like Lupron or Progesterone, but I figured I would let those of you who were curious know how it went**. 

The next step is to do the dirty and wait. As of Wednesday morning, we will be in what most call the 2 week wait (2WW). If Aunt Flow doesn't show up by February 29th, I pee on a stick and pray for two lines. If she does show up before then, well, we have our answer. But I'm not allowing myself to think those thoughts! I'm staying super positive and telling everyone we will be pregnant this month. Yesterday, I had nothing but positive thoughts in my head. I told everyone that it was going to be a good day, and we kept saying that we were drawing the line at 4 follicles. Low and behold, there were 4 follicles! I feel that it's all a sign for good things this month and I'm so excited! I also had a stern talking-to with my Pop. I told him that he's had almost 3 months with my kiddos up there in heaven and it's time he send one or two home or I was going to be very upset with him. Pop never liked it when I was upset, he always did everything he could to make me happy, and I know that this month will be no exception. 

So I hope you all are ready for this blog to turn in to a pregnancy/mommy blog because, We're getting pregnant this month!!

*Okay, that was an exaggeration. I'm only like 90 miles away, but 1,000 just sounds so much more dramatic. 

**Sheesh, did that sentence make any bit of sense? I am entirely too tired to function right now. 

Birds and Bees

Hot flashes suck

I hope this is a good sign cause I don't really remember them being this bad before. Granted, the Femara was like a gummy vitamin for me, so I felt nooo side effects. And I try to block out the Possible-Octomom-fiasco round we had few weeks ago on the 100mg of Clomid. But this 50mg dose is really kicking my butt! I thought taking it at night was a good idea....

And my week of DOOM continues...

In no way did my week get ANY better after my last post. Ok, that's actually a lie, I did get one bit of good news, but that's about it. Other than that, I had one of the most hellacious weekends that I can remember in the last few months. Let me break it down for you:

We all know how Wednesday went. I don't really feel like travelling down that road again.

Thursday was actually fairly good. It's the day that I got my great news, but I want to save that for last. I've been ending quite a bit of my posts on a negative tone and I don't want to do that on this one.

That brings us to Friday, today. Today was a good day. Work was easy, I had lunch with a good friend/coworker. I laughed a lot, which is always good, and I got off work early...around 3:30pm. You guys, I did not step foot in my house until 6:00pm. What was I doing for 2 1/2 hours you ask? Oh, let me tell ya...
My first, and supposed to be only, destination when I arrived in town* was Walmart. I needed to pick up my Clomid, as today is cycle day 3 and I am supposed to start my medication. I patiently wait in line, browsing Pinterest on my phone thinking, I'd love to try a new recipe tonight. It's finally my turn at the counter and I give the clerk mine and Curtis' information, as I was picking up a script for him too. She tells me, "Oh, yours isn't ready." I replied, "Ok, how long?" She said, "Tomorrow. We don't have that medication in stock." Tears immediately welled in my eyes and I replied, "No. I have to have that medication tonight. I cannot wait until tomorrow." She says, "Ok, let me go check." So she rustles through the boxes on the shelves and then speaks to the women at the drop off window. She comes back and says, "She's going to check on it for you." Then tells the woman behind me she can help her. Oooookay, looks like I need to move over there then. So I go over to the drop off window. The woman there tells me that they don't have that medication in stock. I repeat, "I have to start this medication tonight." So she calls the two other pharmacies in town to check if they have it. Turns out, Fry's does. Hallelujah! She says, "We're going to transfer your script over there for you. In the future, if you have to take this medication again, call us a couple days in advance so we can have it in stock." Oh, so my doctor calling it in yesterday wasn't good enough?! Whatever.
So, with that settled, I hop my ass back in line to get Curtis' prescription. Of course, his is ready and in stock. The clerk asks me, "Do you usually pay this price?" I look at the screen and say, "What price?" because there was nothing on the screen! She responds, "$156". "Ummm, noo." She takes the medication and returns to the women at the drop off window. She comes back and says, "She'll have to help you. You should get your insurance card out." So back to the drop off window I go. The lady says, "Oh you want insurance on this *chuckle*" I bit my tongue. After typing all of our insurance info in, she drops the bomb, "It looks like insurance isn't going to cover this. They want him to start off with a lower medication before starting this one." "Oh, so my doctor can write us a script, but our insurance can deny it and decide to tell us what medication they want to take?". She shook her head, "Yup. I'm going to send a notification to the doctor about this, so check back with us on Tuesday to see if they've changed their minds." Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that insurance people now carry MD's and can tell us what medication we really need without a physical examination. Awesome. So I leave Walmart empty handed and fuming.
In the parking lot, I get in a small altercation with a woman because the parking lot is a madhouse thanks to everyone in our town getting their welfare checks and invading the stores. I won't go in to detail because I threw out some pretty vulgar language, but just thank God that I don't have a handgun yet. I might be typing this from jail if I did.
I arrive at Fry's and go to the pick up counter. The clerk there informs me that my script is in the computer system and it will be about an hour before it's ready, "or you can pick it up tomorrow...". At what point do people realize that I can't wait until tomorrow? Who do I have to RAGE at before these pharmacists get a clue? I tell her, "I'll wait." So I return to my car because that's the only way the innocent bystanders will be safe from my wrath. I call my cousin and rage with her to get my frustrations out.
After an hour passes, I return in to Fry's, wait for her to get my insurance straightened out..."Your insurance doesn't cover this." "I know." "Ok. That'll be $9." "Ma'am, I would pay $500 for this medication right now." She looks at me like I'm crazy. The pharmacist asks, "Have any questions?" Nope. I've ridden this rollercoaster before. Just give me my meds and get out of my way. I finally get the Clomid in my hands and head home.

All that. All of that just to get my ClomidClomid does. They know what I'm taking it for. Have a little compassion! Maybe my RE has just spoiled me...
Speaking of RE, and my good news I promised, he called me yesterday to discuss a monitoring ultrasound. He's giving us our cycle day 12 ultrasound for FREE. I was shocked! When I answered my phone, he said, "Do you really live in Claypool?" I said, "Yup." He seemed surprised. He said, "Wow! That's really far! I didn't know where that was and had to Google-map it and WOW, that's really far!" I was like, "Tell me about it! I have to drive 100 miles to come see you doc!" And every time it's been some form of bad news, but I didn't say that out loud. That man is so nice, I couldn't make him feel bad like that. He then dropped a bomb, but a good one, "Well, while I'm confident that 50mg of Clomid will work, I still want to make sure. There are always instances where it just could not work. So, I want you to go ahead and come in for an ultrasound, but this one is on the house. I hate that you have to make such a long drive, get bad news, and then pay $320 each time. I'm gonna give you this one for free. Just email me as we get closer to the date and I'll fit you in the schedule. How does that sound?" Like a freaking gift from God doc. And hands down, the best news I've heard all week.

Legitimately trying not to stress

Cycle day 1 begins today. I'm super excited to start cycling again, after what felt like forever (but was in fact just a couple weeks), but I'm stressed to the max! Baby Mama drama is stirring up again and Curtis and I are tossing around the word lawyer again. This is not exactly how I wanted to start my cycle off! One year ago, almost to the day, we had to do the lawyer business with Baby Mama and it sucked. I never wanted to do anything like that again, but here we are. I don't want to go to far in to detail because this is supposed to be my infertility blog, but some days, it seems like the two topics merge quite a bit. Regardless, you can go check out my Stepmom blog if you would like to know more.
In the meantime, I'm completely worried about this cycle now. I don't want to go through this one stressing and worrying the whole time! That's not going to help me out at all, nor make it any easier to get through it positively. Do you guys have any suggestions on how to not stress out? I know many women do acupuncture, but I don't know if finances will allow that this month...I just don't know what to do right now and I hate feeling like this...