Unconditional

I'm having a bad day today. Well, emotionally anyways. It's not like anything has happened to me directly, it's just things here and there that are really getting to me. First off, I'm dead certain that AF is around the corner. Monday will be two weeks since my last ultrasound and if I ovulated later that day or the next, then 12-14 days I should see her ugly face. Last week, towards Wednesday or Thursday, I felt sharp pain down there...like a really large gas bubble...so I assumed I was ovulating all my giant eggies. Today, my nipples hurt with a passion. Just sitting here thinking about them makes them ache. As soon as they stop hurting, I know my period will arrive. I just want it to happen already! Going two months without a period, I forgot about the crazy hormones that come with it..hence the emotionally bad day. And since I have a venting blog (and husband is sleeping), I get to complain to all of you! I can see how excited you are...don't try to hide it....wait, where are you going?!?

I'm feeling snubbed. Well, to be honest, I've felt snubbed most of my life. It's not from friends or co-workers, it's from family. Specifically, my sisters. Now granted my oldest sister is only my stepsister, so that "bond" isn't really there, but I still thought she might come through for me during this infertility. She hasn't said hardly anything to me about it. But the snubbing goes farther back than that. My sister has 4 kids, one who is in heaven. Her husband is catholic, so they pick godparents for each child. Out of all the children, do you know which one I am a godparent to? None. There is a total of five of us siblings, my oldest sister, my brother right below her, my brother below him (all step-siblings to me), me and my younger sister. They are all godparents to my nieces and nephews, except for me. I felt so dumb when she announced her third, and last, pregnancy on Facebook and I asked to be the godparent. She had already asked our baby sister. Maybe I shouldn't read in to it so much, but I feel so left out. Like I wasn't good enough or something. Thinking about it still feels like a slap in the face.
Now, my baby sister is getting ready to graduate in May. My older sister keeps talking to my younger sister on Facebook about it. About coming out to see her....about the fact that my nephew will be 5 when my YS (younger sister) graduates and how maybe when he graduates she'll have a 5 year old. My sister didn't come to my graduation. She flew in the year before for my brother's, for one night, but not mine. Snub number 2.
When Curtis and I got married in 2009, I rushed my wedding. I mean, planned in 5 weeks rushed. Originally, Curtis was in the middle of trying to enlist in the Navy (thank God that didn't work out), but we also had my stepson for the summer and my OS (oldest sister) would be in town visiting. I thought it was perfect timing! I didn't need a huge wedding, and by no means did we have one, but it was perfect for us...despite the grumblings coming from my parents. I asked my oldest sister to be my Matron of Honor and my YS to be my only other bridesmaid. I will admit, my OS really came through for me. She helped me with anything I needed help with, got our favors and spent money she probably didn't have on things for me. I was so appreciative! I still am! I never imagined asking her to be my MOH just so she would do these things, but I am so grateful that she did.
Thinking back, maybe I never told her that. Maybe she felt snubbed or under appreciated and that's why she's not close to me now. I have no idea. I just know the way I'm feeling right now and it's all getting to me. My fight with my mother and the fact that she hasn't cared to call and make things right. Not being able to talk to my Pop and hear his voice. My Nana having to try and sell her house cause she can't afford to live there. My Uncle losing my grandfather's auto body business and looking for a new job for the first time in 40 years. It's all getting to me and weighing me down. Day in and day out, I'm putting on a brave face and going through the motions of life...but inside I'm begging someone to ask me how I'm doing. I'm sure it's my fault and I should just open up to people or "the phone works both ways", but that's not who I am. I rarely even let Curtis see this side of me and he's my best friend!
I know a lot of this doesn't apply to friends I have, especially the ones reading this blog. I do have a handful that message me or text me wanting to know how everything is going, right out of the blue. It's mostly the lack of family that's getting to me. My Nana and my Pop are in NO WAY included in this statement, but when it comes to my mother and father and brother's and sisters...there is no unconditional love. All of their love is built on conditions and how much you deserve. And apparently, I deserve very little.