A new outlook

It's amazing to me to still find ways that infertility has affected my life. For example, the other night Curtis and I were at dinner. As my eyes took in the families at the surrounding tables, I happened upon a couple that was sitting very close together not really speaking. There were no children around them. Now, this could mean a multitude of things: their children were with Grandma and Grandpa, they are childless by choice, they haven't started trying, they're falling out of love, she's pregnant right now etc, etc. But since I became an infertile statistic, I immediately wonder, "Are they trying, but unsuccessful like us too?". Their body language seemed to read that they were still in love, but there was a sadness around them. Of course, I could be imagining things as I'm crazy-hormone lady right now, emotional at EVERYTHING, but I couldn't help but wonder if they were infertile like us. I actually find myself wondering that more often lately; at the grocery store, at Walmart, commuting to and from work, childless co-workers. Maybe it's the urge to meet someone that I can relate with or maybe I'm still just crazy, but it's there regardless.
One thing I did notice, when I went to my RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office to get one of my ultrasounds, was that my urge to connect is not mine alone. I ran in to a woman in the waiting room, as she was leaving and I was...well...waiting. duh. Anyways, we smiled at each other, with an understanding as to why we're both there. We even said, "Hello." and she commented on how she can never find her keys in her purse. I held up my Wonder Woman lanyard (don't judge me) and said, "I have this for that exact reason!" (and cause I'm awesome). We laughed and wished each other a good day. There's such a sense of camaraderie with infertiles, that I almost don't want to get pregnant and get thrown to the wolves of "seasoned mothers". Hey, I said ALMOST. I just wish I didn't have to travel 100+ miles to a support group! I need infertile-dar so I can pinpoint the ones in my town and stalk them until they talk to me. Once again, don't judge me.

One other urge I am having is to pee on a stick. I HATE PEEING ON STICKS, especially ones with multiple lines or smiley faces, but I have the urge to do it regardless! I know what you're thinking "But Lindsay, you bought condoms. You didn't want to be pregnant this month, remember?! Are you so whacked out hormonally that you believe you have an immaculate conception?" Well, 1) Condoms suck and we used them for all of 5 minutes and resorted to the old high-school trick of "pull out". I'm sorry I just uttered those words, but you come here for the truth and that's exactly what I'm going to give you. You can totally judge me on this one. 2) Like any good infertile, the urge to be pregnant is still there! I know if I was I could be housing up to 8 in my womb, and I would completely pass out and cry, but with all these pregnancy announcements, and pictures of babies on my Facebook dash, I'm going out of my baby loving mind! 3) Yes I am still whacked out of my mind. That's just a given.
So anyways, I want to pee on a stick. Technically, the timing isn't even right. If we were to assume that I ovulated on the day of my last U/S (Jan. 16), which is unlikely as I don't ever ovulate that early, then I would still have til Monday for my 2 week wait. But I think I ovulated the Wednesday after my U/S (Jan. 18/19) so it could still take up until February 1st for my period to come. So I'd be 3-5 days early testing. But I don't care because I still want to. I used to make fun of other women for their peeing on a stick obsessions, now I'm getting it!

In other non-baby related news, I registered for college classes! Yay! I'm finally biting the bullet and going back to school because apparently I don't have enough shit going on, that I decided to add online school to my plate and our finances. My first class begins the first week of March and is Contemporary Economics. Is it totally weird that I'm so excited? Yea, I thought so. Anyways, wish me luck on the school AND the crazy urges part. I need all the help I can get!