I guess the pull out method really does work.
Remind me not to tell my daughter that. In fact...remind me to completely block this blog from my kids. I don't need to encourage any future trips to a therapist.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
A new outlook
It's amazing to me to still find ways that infertility has affected my life. For example, the other night Curtis and I were at dinner. As my eyes took in the families at the surrounding tables, I happened upon a couple that was sitting very close together not really speaking. There were no children around them. Now, this could mean a multitude of things: their children were with Grandma and Grandpa, they are childless by choice, they haven't started trying, they're falling out of love, she's pregnant right now etc, etc. But since I became an infertile statistic, I immediately wonder, "Are they trying, but unsuccessful like us too?". Their body language seemed to read that they were still in love, but there was a sadness around them. Of course, I could be imagining things as I'm crazy-hormone lady right now, emotional at EVERYTHING, but I couldn't help but wonder if they were infertile like us. I actually find myself wondering that more often lately; at the grocery store, at Walmart, commuting to and from work, childless co-workers. Maybe it's the urge to meet someone that I can relate with or maybe I'm still just crazy, but it's there regardless.
One thing I did notice, when I went to my RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office to get one of my ultrasounds, was that my urge to connect is not mine alone. I ran in to a woman in the waiting room, as she was leaving and I was...well...waiting. duh. Anyways, we smiled at each other, with an understanding as to why we're both there. We even said, "Hello." and she commented on how she can never find her keys in her purse. I held up my Wonder Woman lanyard (don't judge me) and said, "I have this for that exact reason!" (and cause I'm awesome). We laughed and wished each other a good day. There's such a sense of camaraderie with infertiles, that I almost don't want to get pregnant and get thrown to the wolves of "seasoned mothers". Hey, I said ALMOST. I just wish I didn't have to travel 100+ miles to a support group! I need infertile-dar so I can pinpoint the ones in my town and stalk them until they talk to me. Once again, don't judge me.
One other urge I am having is to pee on a stick. I HATE PEEING ON STICKS, especially ones with multiple lines or smiley faces, but I have the urge to do it regardless! I know what you're thinking "But Lindsay, you bought condoms. You didn't want to be pregnant this month, remember?! Are you so whacked out hormonally that you believe you have an immaculate conception?" Well, 1) Condoms suck and we used them for all of 5 minutes and resorted to the old high-school trick of "pull out". I'm sorry I just uttered those words, but you come here for the truth and that's exactly what I'm going to give you. You can totally judge me on this one. 2) Like any good infertile, the urge to be pregnant is still there! I know if I was I could be housing up to 8 in my womb, and I would completely pass out and cry, but with all these pregnancy announcements, and pictures of babies on my Facebook dash, I'm going out of my baby loving mind! 3) Yes I am still whacked out of my mind. That's just a given.
So anyways, I want to pee on a stick. Technically, the timing isn't even right. If we were to assume that I ovulated on the day of my last U/S (Jan. 16), which is unlikely as I don't ever ovulate that early, then I would still have til Monday for my 2 week wait. But I think I ovulated the Wednesday after my U/S (Jan. 18/19) so it could still take up until February 1st for my period to come. So I'd be 3-5 days early testing. But I don't care because I still want to. I used to make fun of other women for their peeing on a stick obsessions, now I'm getting it!
In other non-baby related news, I registered for college classes! Yay! I'm finally biting the bullet and going back to school because apparently I don't have enough shit going on, that I decided to add online school to my plate and our finances. My first class begins the first week of March and is Contemporary Economics. Is it totally weird that I'm so excited? Yea, I thought so. Anyways, wish me luck on the school AND the crazy urges part. I need all the help I can get!
One thing I did notice, when I went to my RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office to get one of my ultrasounds, was that my urge to connect is not mine alone. I ran in to a woman in the waiting room, as she was leaving and I was...well...waiting. duh. Anyways, we smiled at each other, with an understanding as to why we're both there. We even said, "Hello." and she commented on how she can never find her keys in her purse. I held up my Wonder Woman lanyard (don't judge me) and said, "I have this for that exact reason!" (and cause I'm awesome). We laughed and wished each other a good day. There's such a sense of camaraderie with infertiles, that I almost don't want to get pregnant and get thrown to the wolves of "seasoned mothers". Hey, I said ALMOST. I just wish I didn't have to travel 100+ miles to a support group! I need infertile-dar so I can pinpoint the ones in my town and stalk them until they talk to me. Once again, don't judge me.
One other urge I am having is to pee on a stick. I HATE PEEING ON STICKS, especially ones with multiple lines or smiley faces, but I have the urge to do it regardless! I know what you're thinking "But Lindsay, you bought condoms. You didn't want to be pregnant this month, remember?! Are you so whacked out hormonally that you believe you have an immaculate conception?" Well, 1) Condoms suck and we used them for all of 5 minutes and resorted to the old high-school trick of "pull out". I'm sorry I just uttered those words, but you come here for the truth and that's exactly what I'm going to give you. You can totally judge me on this one. 2) Like any good infertile, the urge to be pregnant is still there! I know if I was I could be housing up to 8 in my womb, and I would completely pass out and cry, but with all these pregnancy announcements, and pictures of babies on my Facebook dash, I'm going out of my baby loving mind! 3) Yes I am still whacked out of my mind. That's just a given.
So anyways, I want to pee on a stick. Technically, the timing isn't even right. If we were to assume that I ovulated on the day of my last U/S (Jan. 16), which is unlikely as I don't ever ovulate that early, then I would still have til Monday for my 2 week wait. But I think I ovulated the Wednesday after my U/S (Jan. 18/19) so it could still take up until February 1st for my period to come. So I'd be 3-5 days early testing. But I don't care because I still want to. I used to make fun of other women for their peeing on a stick obsessions, now I'm getting it!
In other non-baby related news, I registered for college classes! Yay! I'm finally biting the bullet and going back to school because apparently I don't have enough shit going on, that I decided to add online school to my plate and our finances. My first class begins the first week of March and is Contemporary Economics. Is it totally weird that I'm so excited? Yea, I thought so. Anyways, wish me luck on the school AND the crazy urges part. I need all the help I can get!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Unconditional
I'm having a bad day today. Well, emotionally anyways. It's not like anything has happened to me directly, it's just things here and there that are really getting to me. First off, I'm dead certain that AF is around the corner. Monday will be two weeks since my last ultrasound and if I ovulated later that day or the next, then 12-14 days I should see her ugly face. Last week, towards Wednesday or Thursday, I felt sharp pain down there...like a really large gas bubble...so I assumed I was ovulating all my giant eggies. Today, my nipples hurt with a passion. Just sitting here thinking about them makes them ache. As soon as they stop hurting, I know my period will arrive. I just want it to happen already! Going two months without a period, I forgot about the crazy hormones that come with it..hence the emotionally bad day. And since I have a venting blog (and husband is sleeping), I get to complain to all of you! I can see how excited you are...don't try to hide it....wait, where are you going?!?
I'm feeling snubbed. Well, to be honest, I've felt snubbed most of my life. It's not from friends or co-workers, it's from family. Specifically, my sisters. Now granted my oldest sister is only my stepsister, so that "bond" isn't really there, but I still thought she might come through for me during this infertility. She hasn't said hardly anything to me about it. But the snubbing goes farther back than that. My sister has 4 kids, one who is in heaven. Her husband is catholic, so they pick godparents for each child. Out of all the children, do you know which one I am a godparent to? None. There is a total of five of us siblings, my oldest sister, my brother right below her, my brother below him (all step-siblings to me), me and my younger sister. They are all godparents to my nieces and nephews, except for me. I felt so dumb when she announced her third, and last, pregnancy on Facebook and I asked to be the godparent. She had already asked our baby sister. Maybe I shouldn't read in to it so much, but I feel so left out. Like I wasn't good enough or something. Thinking about it still feels like a slap in the face.
Now, my baby sister is getting ready to graduate in May. My older sister keeps talking to my younger sister on Facebook about it. About coming out to see her....about the fact that my nephew will be 5 when my YS (younger sister) graduates and how maybe when he graduates she'll have a 5 year old. My sister didn't come to my graduation. She flew in the year before for my brother's, for one night, but not mine. Snub number 2.
When Curtis and I got married in 2009, I rushed my wedding. I mean, planned in 5 weeks rushed. Originally, Curtis was in the middle of trying to enlist in the Navy (thank God that didn't work out), but we also had my stepson for the summer and my OS (oldest sister) would be in town visiting. I thought it was perfect timing! I didn't need a huge wedding, and by no means did we have one, but it was perfect for us...despite the grumblings coming from my parents. I asked my oldest sister to be my Matron of Honor and my YS to be my only other bridesmaid. I will admit, my OS really came through for me. She helped me with anything I needed help with, got our favors and spent money she probably didn't have on things for me. I was so appreciative! I still am! I never imagined asking her to be my MOH just so she would do these things, but I am so grateful that she did.
Thinking back, maybe I never told her that. Maybe she felt snubbed or under appreciated and that's why she's not close to me now. I have no idea. I just know the way I'm feeling right now and it's all getting to me. My fight with my mother and the fact that she hasn't cared to call and make things right. Not being able to talk to my Pop and hear his voice. My Nana having to try and sell her house cause she can't afford to live there. My Uncle losing my grandfather's auto body business and looking for a new job for the first time in 40 years. It's all getting to me and weighing me down. Day in and day out, I'm putting on a brave face and going through the motions of life...but inside I'm begging someone to ask me how I'm doing. I'm sure it's my fault and I should just open up to people or "the phone works both ways", but that's not who I am. I rarely even let Curtis see this side of me and he's my best friend!
I know a lot of this doesn't apply to friends I have, especially the ones reading this blog. I do have a handful that message me or text me wanting to know how everything is going, right out of the blue. It's mostly the lack of family that's getting to me. My Nana and my Pop are in NO WAY included in this statement, but when it comes to my mother and father and brother's and sisters...there is no unconditional love. All of their love is built on conditions and how much you deserve. And apparently, I deserve very little.
I'm feeling snubbed. Well, to be honest, I've felt snubbed most of my life. It's not from friends or co-workers, it's from family. Specifically, my sisters. Now granted my oldest sister is only my stepsister, so that "bond" isn't really there, but I still thought she might come through for me during this infertility. She hasn't said hardly anything to me about it. But the snubbing goes farther back than that. My sister has 4 kids, one who is in heaven. Her husband is catholic, so they pick godparents for each child. Out of all the children, do you know which one I am a godparent to? None. There is a total of five of us siblings, my oldest sister, my brother right below her, my brother below him (all step-siblings to me), me and my younger sister. They are all godparents to my nieces and nephews, except for me. I felt so dumb when she announced her third, and last, pregnancy on Facebook and I asked to be the godparent. She had already asked our baby sister. Maybe I shouldn't read in to it so much, but I feel so left out. Like I wasn't good enough or something. Thinking about it still feels like a slap in the face.
Now, my baby sister is getting ready to graduate in May. My older sister keeps talking to my younger sister on Facebook about it. About coming out to see her....about the fact that my nephew will be 5 when my YS (younger sister) graduates and how maybe when he graduates she'll have a 5 year old. My sister didn't come to my graduation. She flew in the year before for my brother's, for one night, but not mine. Snub number 2.
When Curtis and I got married in 2009, I rushed my wedding. I mean, planned in 5 weeks rushed. Originally, Curtis was in the middle of trying to enlist in the Navy (thank God that didn't work out), but we also had my stepson for the summer and my OS (oldest sister) would be in town visiting. I thought it was perfect timing! I didn't need a huge wedding, and by no means did we have one, but it was perfect for us...despite the grumblings coming from my parents. I asked my oldest sister to be my Matron of Honor and my YS to be my only other bridesmaid. I will admit, my OS really came through for me. She helped me with anything I needed help with, got our favors and spent money she probably didn't have on things for me. I was so appreciative! I still am! I never imagined asking her to be my MOH just so she would do these things, but I am so grateful that she did.
Thinking back, maybe I never told her that. Maybe she felt snubbed or under appreciated and that's why she's not close to me now. I have no idea. I just know the way I'm feeling right now and it's all getting to me. My fight with my mother and the fact that she hasn't cared to call and make things right. Not being able to talk to my Pop and hear his voice. My Nana having to try and sell her house cause she can't afford to live there. My Uncle losing my grandfather's auto body business and looking for a new job for the first time in 40 years. It's all getting to me and weighing me down. Day in and day out, I'm putting on a brave face and going through the motions of life...but inside I'm begging someone to ask me how I'm doing. I'm sure it's my fault and I should just open up to people or "the phone works both ways", but that's not who I am. I rarely even let Curtis see this side of me and he's my best friend!
I know a lot of this doesn't apply to friends I have, especially the ones reading this blog. I do have a handful that message me or text me wanting to know how everything is going, right out of the blue. It's mostly the lack of family that's getting to me. My Nana and my Pop are in NO WAY included in this statement, but when it comes to my mother and father and brother's and sisters...there is no unconditional love. All of their love is built on conditions and how much you deserve. And apparently, I deserve very little.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
The option we chose...
I think that speaks for itself.
Can I just mention that I giggles the ENTIRE time this was in my basket? Then, when the checkout boy had to do a price check on them, I hid my face. THEN, when he asked how my night was going, I turned bright red and said, "Fine". Real mature Lindsay.
Now I'm just waiting for the rumors that I'm cheating on my husband cause I bought condoms. It's a small town, it's bound to happen.
Oh the joys of infertility!
Can I just mention that I giggles the ENTIRE time this was in my basket? Then, when the checkout boy had to do a price check on them, I hid my face. THEN, when he asked how my night was going, I turned bright red and said, "Fine". Real mature Lindsay.
Now I'm just waiting for the rumors that I'm cheating on my husband cause I bought condoms. It's a small town, it's bound to happen.
Oh the joys of infertility!
Lightening the load
Did Curtis just call me and hand his phone to his coworker, C, so that C could inquire about the size of my "eggs"?? Yes he did.
Did I mention it's barely 7:30 in the morning right now? I'm not even finished with my coffee!
Apparently they have been discussing the topic of my follies since their safety meeting this morning. Curtis' boss even threw in that she wants us to go ahead and fertilize all of my "giant" eggs and she'll take "four of them to lighten the load".
I told her that Curtis would need a big, fat raise and a boatload of time off so he can help care for this litter we would pop out.
Guys, it's 7:30 in the morning. It's too early to talk about my "eggs"/follicles.
Did I mention it's barely 7:30 in the morning right now? I'm not even finished with my coffee!
Apparently they have been discussing the topic of my follies since their safety meeting this morning. Curtis' boss even threw in that she wants us to go ahead and fertilize all of my "giant" eggs and she'll take "four of them to lighten the load".
I told her that Curtis would need a big, fat raise and a boatload of time off so he can help care for this litter we would pop out.
Guys, it's 7:30 in the morning. It's too early to talk about my "eggs"/follicles.
Monday, January 16, 2012
You want me to buy what?!
You know how you hear a song and you immediately think, "This is my life!" Well, mine is currently Katy Perry's "Hot-n-Cold". I swear my ovaries are either Hot or they're Cold. They're yes or they're no. They refuse to find a happy medium!! Today was my monitoring ultrasound for the 100mg of Clomid I was taking and my ovaries went in to overdrive. I was measuring about 5-6 follicles at 19mm which was fully mature, with 2 at 17mm and 3-4 more at 15mm, which could still develop more by ovulation time. My uterine lining was also at 7mm, which apparently is very good because Clomid can typically case a thin lining. Not in my case with my little overachieving uterus this round! My lady parts are like that kid in the class that's really lazy and never does his homework, but aces the final. You know, the type of student I was in school.
It's weird, but I had a feeling this would happen. While I'm so thankful that I am responding, I'm completely stressed as what to do about it. Dr. A (the reproductive endocrinologist) HIGHLY recommends that I go invest in condoms until aunt flow returns in the next few weeks. He said that I could be looking at multiples and that it is very rare for anything over 2 to survive. He said the type of response is more of an IVF response, not a TI. I understood what he was saying, agreed with him, and walked out the appointment setting a mental reminder to go pick up condoms on the way home. Yup. This is an infertility blog and I'm saying I have to go buy condoms. Welcome to my life people.
Anyways, my coworker's response, when I explained about the ultrasound findings was, "Go for it anyways!". When talking to my doctor, that wasn't an option for me. Now, all of a sudden, it is. Let me break down how crazy my mind is:
Anyways, my coworker's response, when I explained about the ultrasound findings was, "Go for it anyways!". When talking to my doctor, that wasn't an option for me. Now, all of a sudden, it is. Let me break down how crazy my mind is:
- Option 1, Prevent Prevent Prevent: 8 possible eggs? 8 possible children? Nevermind having to feed 8 mouths at once, what if we lose one or more? What if the pregnancy was rough and we have some sick babies? Could I live with myself knowing that I was the one who chose to 'Go for it' knowing how high the risk was?
- Option 2, the aforementioned 'Go for it!': There's a handful of mature follies, my uterine lining is thick and waiting...it's almost like the stars are aligning for our baby making process. If I don't take this chance and run with it, will I have a good response next month? What if this is my one chance?
- Option 3, Not try/Not prevent: What's meant to be will be. It's up to God this month.
- Option 4, Selective Reduction: Not even an option to us. I shouldn't have it on the "options list" when it's not an option, but I had to address it.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Blog Format Change
Sorry if you don't like the change! I just had to do something besides that God-awful bird background. It was so plain it was bumming me out! While this new layout reminds me a little of MySpace, it's the best I can do here at work when I don't have the time to devote hours to changing it.
Facebook is the enemy [warning:bold explicit language]
You've all seen the new Facebook, with the highlighted stories feed and mini-feed on the side.
I.HATE.IT.
Facebook randomly highlights statuses from all of my pregnant friends. You think I'm kidding? I have a friend from high school who just found out she's expecting.EVERY. SINGLE. STATUS. gets highlighted and moved to the forefront of my newsfeed.
I know you're thinking, dumb girl, just un-highlight those statuses. I FUCKING HAVE!! So many times I see that message, "We'll try not to post any more stories like this in your feed.." But yet I log on again today and see a status from another girl from high school who is going to her sister's ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. Said girl also got pregnant within a year of her wedding!! ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!
I'm losing my fucking mind and one step from deactivating my Facebook.
I.HATE.IT.
Facebook randomly highlights statuses from all of my pregnant friends. You think I'm kidding? I have a friend from high school who just found out she's expecting.EVERY. SINGLE. STATUS. gets highlighted and moved to the forefront of my newsfeed.
I know you're thinking, dumb girl, just un-highlight those statuses. I FUCKING HAVE!! So many times I see that message, "We'll try not to post any more stories like this in your feed.." But yet I log on again today and see a status from another girl from high school who is going to her sister's ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. Said girl also got pregnant within a year of her wedding!! ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!
I'm losing my fucking mind and one step from deactivating my Facebook.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Beyonce and Jay-Z need to get over themselves
Did anyone else read this story?
http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/goddess/beyonce-birth-lap-luxury-192004098.html
I. AM. DISGUSTED. How can we, as a society, be ok with this? To let people just buy their way in to being more important than the rest of us? I really don't care if that guy was only kept from his kids in the NICU for a minute or two...I'm sure any parent would feel panicked in that situation.
Look, I'm all about realizing that celebs are "just like us". For example, when Kasey Kahne tweeted about the woman breastfeeding in the grocery store, I reminded myself that, let's be honest, he's a guy. We should be surprised he didn't talk about that woman's boobs! Also, who knows what that woman really looked like. I'm all for breastfeeding in public, I fully plan to do it myself (breastfeed in public, much to the dismay of Curtis), but maybe she wasn't covering up? Maybe he caught a wayward spray? Regardless, I didn't see his tweet as something to rip him over. This Beyonce, Jay-Z, Blue Ivy (really ?!?) circus. Just plain bullshit.
http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/goddess/beyonce-birth-lap-luxury-192004098.html
I. AM. DISGUSTED. How can we, as a society, be ok with this? To let people just buy their way in to being more important than the rest of us? I really don't care if that guy was only kept from his kids in the NICU for a minute or two...I'm sure any parent would feel panicked in that situation.
Look, I'm all about realizing that celebs are "just like us". For example, when Kasey Kahne tweeted about the woman breastfeeding in the grocery store, I reminded myself that, let's be honest, he's a guy. We should be surprised he didn't talk about that woman's boobs! Also, who knows what that woman really looked like. I'm all for breastfeeding in public, I fully plan to do it myself (breastfeed in public, much to the dismay of Curtis), but maybe she wasn't covering up? Maybe he caught a wayward spray? Regardless, I didn't see his tweet as something to rip him over. This Beyonce, Jay-Z, Blue Ivy (really ?!?) circus. Just plain bullshit.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Round 2...if you could even consider it a round
Remember how I told you to call me Murphy from now on? Well, let me rest my case:
Today I had my ultrasound to check my follicle growth from the 5mg of Femara I was on. The ultrasound lady in my doctor's office was out today, so they had to send me to a fertility clinic (like with my HSG) with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Dr. A was hands down the nicest doctor I have ever met, besides my doctor of course. He made me feel so comfortable and seemed genuinely interested in my case. Maybe it was because he went to college with my doctor and they are apparently "old pals", maybe it was because I actually did my hair and makeup today...I'll never know. Actually, I think that's how RE's are supposed to be. Regardless, he determined, from my ultrasound, that I indeed have PCOS to the highest degree, and that the Femara medication is just.not.working. He said that by looking at my follicles, I wasn't going to ovulate again this month. Apparently they prefer to see follicles that are 2mm big. Mine were measuring 12cm...so as Nurse C put it, "Little Bitty guys..". Ha ha ha-obviously. So the Get Lindsay Knocked Up Plan has officially been moved in revision C: 100mg of Clomid here we come!! And the good news is that I don't have to take another dose of Provera (progesterone) and wait for Aunt Flow to rear her ugly head. I can start taking the Clomid tonight...or as soon as I go pick up my script for Wally World. Then, in 11 days, I get another ultrasound to see how those folly-babies are responding. At $320 a pop, I'm not too excited to have another one in 3 weeks, but I'm hoping that this upcoming one won't be in vain.
Today I had my ultrasound to check my follicle growth from the 5mg of Femara I was on. The ultrasound lady in my doctor's office was out today, so they had to send me to a fertility clinic (like with my HSG) with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Dr. A was hands down the nicest doctor I have ever met, besides my doctor of course. He made me feel so comfortable and seemed genuinely interested in my case. Maybe it was because he went to college with my doctor and they are apparently "old pals", maybe it was because I actually did my hair and makeup today...I'll never know. Actually, I think that's how RE's are supposed to be. Regardless, he determined, from my ultrasound, that I indeed have PCOS to the highest degree, and that the Femara medication is just.not.working. He said that by looking at my follicles, I wasn't going to ovulate again this month. Apparently they prefer to see follicles that are 2mm big. Mine were measuring 12cm...so as Nurse C put it, "Little Bitty guys..". Ha ha ha-obviously. So the Get Lindsay Knocked Up Plan has officially been moved in revision C: 100mg of Clomid here we come!! And the good news is that I don't have to take another dose of Provera (progesterone) and wait for Aunt Flow to rear her ugly head. I can start taking the Clomid tonight...or as soon as I go pick up my script for Wally World. Then, in 11 days, I get another ultrasound to see how those folly-babies are responding. At $320 a pop, I'm not too excited to have another one in 3 weeks, but I'm hoping that this upcoming one won't be in vain.
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