Just once

I would love for someone to take a picture of my face when someone is telling me that they are pregnant, or that so-and-so is pregnant, or so-and-so's wife went to labor. Just once. Am I doing a good job hiding my internal cringing, jealousy and longing? Or am I not fooling anyone like I think I am?

Short hiatus

I wanted to make a quick post regarding the short hiatus I've taken. On Thursday, November 17th my grandfather passed away. My Pop, as most of us called him, was like a father to me and his death has been a blow that has been hard to take. While he had been sick for quite some time, the weekend prior had been looking up. Unfortunately, he was just too tired to continue the fight and we had to say goodbye. Since then I've been staying with my Nana to help fill the silence and assist with the memorial preparations. My Pop was truly a great man and I'm finding it hard to accept that he was unable to meet my future children. Thankfully, we have plenty of stories to fill the void! Remind me to share some of them here with you all.
Until I return with some updates, please keep my family in your prayers for the upcoming holiday season.
Thanks,
Lindsay

Spoke too soon??

Now, whether or not the story I'm about to tell you is related to the Femara or not, I don't know. I will admit that I am genuinely a very emotional person. I cry. A lot. A LOT-a lot. When I'm on my period, about to start my period, a good 20 days in to my cycle, happy, sad, mad, touched, anytime. I literally cried for about the first 20 minutes of that Robert DeNiro movie Everybody's Fine  because that poor man just wanted to see his kids and they didn't want to go see him and HOW COLD HEARTED ARE YOU?! THAT MAN LOVES YOU MORE THA-well, you get the point.
Last night Curtis was on another graveyard shift. As he will be for the next 3 nights. We got in to a bit of a tiff a couple hours in to his shift (more like me angry at him and him apologizing) and I guess it just stuck with me. When I climbed in to bed, I felt so lonely that I just started to cry. I texted him that I couldn't sleep and he called me to try and make me feel better, but nothing was working. I was sad and lonely and missed him and didn't want to sleep by myself *pout*. I told him I felt even more lonely because I have to take the Femara for the next 4 more days and 3 of those he is gone. I know, always the drama queen. That's me! Finally just talking to him was making me feel better so I was able to get some sleep. Not good sleep by any means, but some sleep. Why "not good sleep"? Well...this calls for a new paragraph.
I. AM. THE. BIGGEST. SCAREDY-CAT. EVER. Seriously. This morning the floor in the kitchen shifted making my back door make a creaking noise and I about jumped out of my skin. Once again, always the drama queen! Well, the last time Curtis was on graveyard, I had one of the hardest nights in a long time. Have you ever heard of Old Hag Syndrome? I didn't hear about it until a year or so ago and basically, it happened to me that night. I know, I KNOW, that it's also known as sleep paralysis and has something to do with the state of sleep I'm in, body vs. mind, etc. But while it's happening, all I could think is Old Hag Syndrome! I had to sleep with the damn light on like a child. Ever since then I've been terrified it's going to happen again. You see, I am overwhelmingly, irrationally scared of all things ghosts and demons. I can't watch Paranormal Activity. I can't even think about them before bed or I can't sleep. Especially when Curtis is gone. So needless to say, I think I will be Tylenol PM drugging myself for the next 3 nights to try and get some sleep since I'm a big, fat chicken.

And I guess we'll see if my mini-breakdown was cause of the Femara or if it is because I'm a freaking girl. It may be a long 3 nights, so stick around...just don't judge me :)

Let the estrogen overload begin

Today marks day 3 of my cycle, thus also being day 1 of taking the Femara my doctor prescribed. So far, so good, but then again I also took my first dose about 5 hours ago. I take two pills daily and I'm making sure that I take them with food as google told me that can help the symptoms. I am supposed to continue this for the next five days. Tomorrow I have to call the doctor and set up an ultrasound for around cycle day 11-12 to track my follicle growth. Then so on and so forth with the Get Lindsay Knocked Up Plan until either baby or my doc will no longer allow me to take the medication. Hopefully the former of course!! In the meantime, I'll keep you guys updated on the symptoms and how the plan is chugging along. I know you guys are so excited to be reading all my over sharing, so don't fret, I will continue to keep it coming!

A few other updates: My grandfather, better known as Pop, is currently in the hospital. About 5 years ago he had some fluid building up behind his lungs (one specifically, but I can't remember which) and he had to have a procedure to prevent it from continuously occurring. Well, it's happening again, but this time to the other lung.  At first we were unsure if the doctors were willing to even operate on him, but they finally decided that they would. Then my Pop decided that he was not going to have the operation. You see, after the last one, they had to intubate him for about 24 hours. Due to his high blood pressure, they couldn't keep him sedated so he remembers EVERYTHING from that experience. He hated it so much that once he was healthy enough, he had a DNR put in place. Bringing us back to the present day, he told all of us that he was refusing the procedure due to him having to be intubated afterwards. Luckily for us, the surgeon is willing to do what she can to keep him sedated, as long as his blood pressure allows it. That's if he even needs to be intubated at all this time around! Last time there was a severe infection in the fluid, this time there is no indication of any infection at all. So he finally agreed to have the procedure!! It was such a relief to us because had he still refused, he was looking at possible hospice. They can only drain the fluid a couple more times and it's building  up to 1 liter in a weeks time. I would've hated to hear a "time frame" on him had he continued to be stubborn.

The surgery is scheduled for Monday and I'm really upset that I have to miss it. I wish that I was able to be there, even just to see him for a few minutes, but unfortunately I am out of vacation time at work. Between family Vegas trip, infertility appointments, and getting my stepson for the summer, I used up just about every hour that I have. I did take last Thursday and Friday off to be with him prior to the surgery, so I do feel a bit better, but it's still emotional for me. My pop is like a father to me, even walked me down the aisle at my wedding...he just means the world to me. I'm hoping that after he recovers he is able to regain some comfort and confidence to go back to carrying out daily activities. I know that has hurt him the most in all of this. I had to get my pride from somewhere! In the meantime, please keep him and my family in your thoughts and prayers. 

Update numero dos: I had my blood drawn last week to check my glucose and cholesterol levels to be sure that I'm not pre-diabetic. I was going to request Metformin along with the Femara if I was. Diabetes runs in my family pretty heavily, so it was about time that I got checked, considering I'm also overweight. Thankfully those test came back completely normal! That's one of the first tests that I have done, besides my HSG, that has come back without complications. It's kind of nice...

I had another update, but to be honest I have completely forgotten what it was. Can I blame forgetfulness on these pills?? Well, either way, I'm going to because I can. Oh, and someone please call and check on me and Curtis for the next 5 days? Just a little, "Hey...still alive?...awesome. Bye!" We just bought a new 12 gauge shotgun over the weekend (since I'm alone so often overnight) so the fact that it coincided with my pill-popping-extravaganza has worried a few people in our close circle. I'm kidding, I'm kidding...but seriously. Just call.

Until next time my friends! 

Now you're just showing off...

Really Michelle Duggar?! 20 kids? I'm sure I would feel differently if I could get pregnant even once...but lucky for you, I can't, so in turn, I hate your stinking guts. Show offs.

Responses to comments

So my work computer is being a real pain in my ass and won't let me comment on my own posts to respond to others, so I guess I'll just make a whole new post instead! That'll show this damn inanimate object who's boss!

Pretend Mommy: Thanks for the info on the coupon! I was a bit nervous when she said that Femara was more expensive, but I just felt in my gut that it was a better choice. While Hubs and I aren't opposed to having multiples (if I had twins I would be DONE), we didn't exactly want to make it a "stronger" option. Plus with my insurance not covering anything, the less we have to do (meaning ultrasounds) the better. I'm really glad that it worked out for you and your Hubs! Thanks for the baby dust!

Losing It: No worries! Congrats again! That's great that you didn't have to get the trigger shot this time around :) One less shot is never a bad thing! I'm glad that Clomid worked out for you! Hopefully soon you can regain some of your taste buds!!

To everyone else that reads this blog: Thank you so so much for your support! Every comment is immensely appreciated by this blogger. Words don't effectively portray the happiness I feel from your encouraging words, so the best I can come up with is, Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Ok, I'll stop now.

Really.....Thank you.