It's rare that I watch a movie or read a book and want to do a review on it, but since this movie hits pretty close to home, I figured I needed to give my opinion on it. Well, maybe I don't really need to, but I'm going to, so deal with it!
*Warning* I will be posting spoilers, so if you haven't seen the movie and don't want is spoiled, please stop reading now!
Overall the movie was pretty good. Of course with my hormones in overdrive, I had quite a few moments where I broke down and cried:
- When the younger couple had a miscarriage. That is currently my WORST FEAR and I cried like a friggin' baby when that happened.
- When J.Lo had her breakdown regarding IVF and bad eggs and it being her fault and spending all their 401K on the treatments. I still tear up thinking about that moment!
- When Elizabeth Banks had her c-section and lost all that blood so she coded on the table and they rushed the husband out. Another fear of mine and, well, tears...just tears.
-Then, of course, when J.Lo got her baby from Ethiopia.
There were parts that I really enjoyed:
- How Elizabeth Banks' character just loathed being pregnant. It just goes to show that even though we infertiles give anything and everything to get pregnant, we can still hate it the whole time. It's like, people just assume that since we're finally pregnant, we finally got what we fought so hard for, we will act all CareBears and Rainbows (like Brooklyn Decker's character). I can't tell you how many times I see infertile women complain about pregnancy and people just rip in to her because "How dare you be miserable? That means you're ungrateful!". I think it accurately portrayed that not every pregnancy is the same and the end result, a beautiful baby, is what everyone is truly after.
- Chris Rock and the rest of the "Dad's Club" was straight hilarity! "Last week, my kid ate a cigarette." It just goes to show that you won't be the mythical "perfect parent" and that's ok. Just, please don't let your kid ingest too many cigarettes, mmkay?
- Elizabeth Banks peeing on no less than 5 pregnancy tests. I took 3 the morning I found out and if I hadn't given my other one to a cousin, I would probably pee on it too.
- Joe Manganiello doing pull-ups while being shirtless. HUMINA HUMINA!
The part that kinda pissed me off:
- You soon realize in the beginning that Elizabeth Banks and her husband have been trying to have a baby for a while. She has an alarm go off on her phone (to alert her to the fact that she is ovulating) and she desperately grabs her husband to jump his bones. That part is more or less true, at least I know that feeling and I have seen the "husband's" hesitation as sex has become like an "routine/act" as opposed to spontaneous and fun.
Later on (I'm assuming that day) the wife and husband go on a date and the wife announces that she wants to "quit trying" for a while, "just enjoy being married" as she downs a glass of wine after not drinking for 2 years. This, of course, leads to unscheduled sex. A few weeks down the road, BAM!, she finds out she's pregnant.
The entire scene I just mentioned above implies to the audience that because they finally had "spontaneous, relaxing sex" that they wound up pregnant. That just as soon as she decided to "stop trying", she got what she wanted. To me, that is just ridiculous. Yes, we all hear of these magical couples who try and try and as soon as they decide to stop trying, the get pregnant...but people, that's 1 in 8 odds. It does not happen to everyone. AND it has been proven that stress is not correlated with being fertile or infertile! It's seriously one of the most frustrating things when people tell me a story about a couple that just "gave up and they finally got pregnant". It's rare and guess what, it doesn't always work! So for the movie to imply that, I was a pretty ticked off. I have yet to find a movie that accurately portrays what most infertile couples go through. Even Baby Mama pissed me off a bit, but that's a different (if ever) review.
Bottom line, if you happen to speak to someone who is having difficulty trying to conceive, don't tell them to "Relax and it'll happen" or share a story about "This one couple who stopped trying/adopted and BAM! got pregnant"...just give them a hug and offer them decaf coffee/tea or a glass of wine, depending on where they are in their cycle.
Well, there's my review. I'm sure I'm missing some parts (I watched the movie on Saturday and I've slept A LOT since then), but if you'd like to add something, feel free to comment below!
As always, baby dust and good thought!
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Round 7 results!
Where did I last leave you? Oh that's right. Whining about money and how we wouldn't be able to afford another round of fertility treatments because of Curtis' gallbladder and wah wah wah. Wellllll, in case you didn't already know (and I'm still trying to keep it secret as it's early) but,
WE ARE PREGNANT!!!
Yup. You read that right. Saturday morning I got up, peed in a cup and dipped the little hCG stick in it and came in the living room. I waited 5 minutes and fully prepared myself for the impending negative I have become so used to seeing. Instead, I saw two lines. DARK lines. Those beautiful little pee lines indicated that I was indeed pregnant. I dipped another to make sure after wiping tears and practically jumping up and down. Waited another 5 minutes. Once again, I was pleasantly surprised with another set of twin lines!
I immediately got dressed and went to the grocery store. I bought ANOTHER box of pregnancy tests, this time the digital ones. Chugged a bottle of water on the way home. Peed on the stick. Instead of waiting 3 minutes, I checked after like 1. There on the screen was the best thing I've read to this day: Yes+.
Needless to say, we freaked. Well, I freaked, Curtis remained impassive as he was super nervous. I called my doc and told them about the positive results. The nurse said, "When did you get the positive result?" I said, "I just got 3 positive tests within the last hour." She responded, "Wow! You really wanted to be sure didn't you?" I just laughed, "You have no idea." She then said she would leave a note for my nurse who would call back with the next steps.
The nurse called me back about an hour later, "I spoke with Dr. [Awesome]. Here's what he wants you to do: Pee on three more tests. If those come back positive, take 2 more. If that comes back positive, take just one mor-". The whole time I'm like, "Ok. Uh huh. Honey! We have to go to the store!" Until she stopped and started laughing. She was like, "We're just kidding. Three was plenty. We'll go ahead and schedule your blood beta test for tomorrow morning at 8:30." HURR HURR HURR lady. I was totally ready to go all Juno style- drink a crap ton of Sunny D and pee on every pregnancy test in our little town! Thankfully, they were just kidding and we made plans for the beta.
The rest of the day was spent in awe and prayer...just hoping that the beta would show that this was a viable pregnancy and not a chemical one. We also let those who were chronicling our journey know, but continued to ask for prayers/baby dust/good thoughts.
That leads us to today. We got up bright and early and headed to the big city for our beta test. My Mother-in-law came too. She's been cooped up in the house and wanted to get out for a little while, so we planned a trip to Costco and a couple other stores. We get to the doctor's office and the waiting room gets packed...complete with a couple that had the most adorable set of 7-month-old twins I have ever seen! All the rest of us in the room just stared at them and smiled. Dr. Awesome called a couple back and then waved me back as well. He told me, "We'll get the results today and call you when we know." I asked about continuing the Progesterone gel, which he replied yes and gave me some more. He then took the blood sample, joked about the request to pee on even more tests ("The nurses don't understand. My wife and I did the same thing for weeks."), then wished me well! Off we went to breakfast.
We soon had to cut our trip short as I got a text from a woman who wanted to look at the puppies. So instead of hitting up the stores, we just began the drive home. I was on the phone with my Mom when the doctor called. He told me, "Well I have some good news! Your beta came back mumbled-mubled-5...." I was like, "Huh? Can you repeat the number?" He said, "5-7-5." I think I said, "Holy cow! That's HUGE!". He then laughed and said, "Yup. It could possibly be twins!" To which I fainted.
Just kidding. But he went on to explain that we need one more test to check the doubling (Tuesday at 8am) and then we can go from there. But the number I got was very strong, very good and we're confident this is a viable pregnancy!
So as of right now, I am 4 weeks with an estimated due date of 6/4/13. I have some people hoping for twins and, to be the cliche Mom-to-be, I don't care as long as it's healthy and sticks around for 9 months!!
Just a quick note: Current side effects are just cramping, tiredness and sore boobs. No real nausea yet, though I get a little while eating and I got some while driving. No spotting. Headaches, but I used to get those a lot anyways.
As always, please continue the good thoughts and I'll be back for an update when I get my Beta #2 results back. Until then, lots of baby dust and love!!
WE ARE PREGNANT!!!
Yup. You read that right. Saturday morning I got up, peed in a cup and dipped the little hCG stick in it and came in the living room. I waited 5 minutes and fully prepared myself for the impending negative I have become so used to seeing. Instead, I saw two lines. DARK lines. Those beautiful little pee lines indicated that I was indeed pregnant. I dipped another to make sure after wiping tears and practically jumping up and down. Waited another 5 minutes. Once again, I was pleasantly surprised with another set of twin lines!
I immediately got dressed and went to the grocery store. I bought ANOTHER box of pregnancy tests, this time the digital ones. Chugged a bottle of water on the way home. Peed on the stick. Instead of waiting 3 minutes, I checked after like 1. There on the screen was the best thing I've read to this day: Yes+.
Needless to say, we freaked. Well, I freaked, Curtis remained impassive as he was super nervous. I called my doc and told them about the positive results. The nurse said, "When did you get the positive result?" I said, "I just got 3 positive tests within the last hour." She responded, "Wow! You really wanted to be sure didn't you?" I just laughed, "You have no idea." She then said she would leave a note for my nurse who would call back with the next steps.
The nurse called me back about an hour later, "I spoke with Dr. [Awesome]. Here's what he wants you to do: Pee on three more tests. If those come back positive, take 2 more. If that comes back positive, take just one mor-". The whole time I'm like, "Ok. Uh huh. Honey! We have to go to the store!" Until she stopped and started laughing. She was like, "We're just kidding. Three was plenty. We'll go ahead and schedule your blood beta test for tomorrow morning at 8:30." HURR HURR HURR lady. I was totally ready to go all Juno style- drink a crap ton of Sunny D and pee on every pregnancy test in our little town! Thankfully, they were just kidding and we made plans for the beta.
The rest of the day was spent in awe and prayer...just hoping that the beta would show that this was a viable pregnancy and not a chemical one. We also let those who were chronicling our journey know, but continued to ask for prayers/baby dust/good thoughts.
That leads us to today. We got up bright and early and headed to the big city for our beta test. My Mother-in-law came too. She's been cooped up in the house and wanted to get out for a little while, so we planned a trip to Costco and a couple other stores. We get to the doctor's office and the waiting room gets packed...complete with a couple that had the most adorable set of 7-month-old twins I have ever seen! All the rest of us in the room just stared at them and smiled. Dr. Awesome called a couple back and then waved me back as well. He told me, "We'll get the results today and call you when we know." I asked about continuing the Progesterone gel, which he replied yes and gave me some more. He then took the blood sample, joked about the request to pee on even more tests ("The nurses don't understand. My wife and I did the same thing for weeks."), then wished me well! Off we went to breakfast.
We soon had to cut our trip short as I got a text from a woman who wanted to look at the puppies. So instead of hitting up the stores, we just began the drive home. I was on the phone with my Mom when the doctor called. He told me, "Well I have some good news! Your beta came back mumbled-mubled-5...." I was like, "Huh? Can you repeat the number?" He said, "5-7-5." I think I said, "Holy cow! That's HUGE!". He then laughed and said, "Yup. It could possibly be twins!" To which I fainted.
Just kidding. But he went on to explain that we need one more test to check the doubling (Tuesday at 8am) and then we can go from there. But the number I got was very strong, very good and we're confident this is a viable pregnancy!
So as of right now, I am 4 weeks with an estimated due date of 6/4/13. I have some people hoping for twins and, to be the cliche Mom-to-be, I don't care as long as it's healthy and sticks around for 9 months!!
Just a quick note: Current side effects are just cramping, tiredness and sore boobs. No real nausea yet, though I get a little while eating and I got some while driving. No spotting. Headaches, but I used to get those a lot anyways.
As always, please continue the good thoughts and I'll be back for an update when I get my Beta #2 results back. Until then, lots of baby dust and love!!
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Two week wait, 1 week down!
Hey everybody! First off, sorry for my absence during this round's 2WW (two week wait). I have been so crazy busy with work, my Gold Canyon Breast Cancer Awareness Pink Party, puppies and, the kicker, Curtis getting so sick we had to make a trip to the ER, I just haven't had time to blog. It doesn't help that with my new bedtime being right at 9:00pm, I don't have as many hours after work as I used to. Seriously, I am wide awake around 8:00pm. 8:45pm hits and BAM! eyes drooping, head leaning, and soon after, snoring! I have to admit though, I'm actually really loving going to bed and getting 8 1/2 hours of sleep these nights. Somedays I'm still waking up tired, but some mornings I've got a bit more pep in my step! That's WITH my decaf coffee too!
Anyways, back to the procedure. Back on the 11th, we had the insemination. Curtis gave a great sample of 16 million sperm with good motility and quality. We went and had breakfast and then returned for the insemination. They had me double-triple and quadruple check that they had the correct sperm from the correct guy. When the nurse first showed us the sample, it was pink and Curtis says, "It's pink? Why is it pink?" I told him, "That means it's a girl!" haha. The nurse and I just had to bust his chops about it.
As for the procedure....OUCH. I mean, BIG TIME OUCH. Now, the doctor that did the insemination wasn't my normal doctor. It was his practice partner. So I was nervous right there. When he first started, he said, "I'm going to clean all the mucus off your cervix.." and I remember getting all excited cause I had lots of cervical mucus! Yea, that stuff excites me. He then told me that my uterus was tilted forward, which was "Normal. Lots of women have that. It's normal. No worries". When he started trying to insert the catheter into my cervix he was explaining, "A little bit of pressure...the line from the cervix to the uterus isn't straight you see, so I have to feel the way....more pressure." It was not just pressure, it was straight up pain! He ended up pulling it out, and then getting some "scissor looking things" (that is a direct quote from Curtis) and trying again. I think he ended up having to open my cervix a little bit and then he got the tube in. He kept saying, "It's normal, it's normal...Good job guys. Good job both of you." which made Curtis and I laugh later. After the torture process was over, I laid on the table with my knees up for about 15-20 minutes. Then the nurse came in with the post-iui instructions and strongly recommended we have sex that night. I'll be honest guys, that did not happen. I still felt like crap from the iui and was cramping pretty decently and Curtis just did not feel up to it. So, no mattress mambo that night!
Since the procedure I've been cramping off and on. Nothing too severe, just steady cramping like Aunt Flow is coming any day. About 6-7 days past the iui, my boobs started hurting. It feels like it's more than just my normal PMS soreness, but I could just be hoping! I'm currently 12 days past iui and no symptom changes have occurred. I've noticed I'm not...well....pooping as often as I used to, but that could be the progesterone or other stuff. No nausea, no cravings, no weird smells, nothing that really stands out as a BFP. I'm fighting the urge to test, but I keep telling myself that it's too early. The doctor said not to test until Saturday, but I might only make it until Thursday. I've made a post on thebump.com's infertility forum to get a general consensus of when I could potentially test, so we'll see what those girls say. It's strange cause the whole wait since the iui has been me thinking that it actually worked, that I am actually pregnant, until Monday morning. Monday morning I woke up and just thought, "It didn't work. I'm not pregnant." I had a pretty crappy Monday to say the least. Then I woke up this morning and thought, "It did work. I am pregnant!". So, needless to say, I've officially fallen off the deep end during this last week's wait, which is pretty bad considering we already knew I was crazy!
In the meantime, please continue to send your BFP/baby dust, prayers, good thoughts, crossed fingers, whatever that we've finally got what we've spent 3+ years hoping for! I appreciate all of the support!
Anyways, back to the procedure. Back on the 11th, we had the insemination. Curtis gave a great sample of 16 million sperm with good motility and quality. We went and had breakfast and then returned for the insemination. They had me double-triple and quadruple check that they had the correct sperm from the correct guy. When the nurse first showed us the sample, it was pink and Curtis says, "It's pink? Why is it pink?" I told him, "That means it's a girl!" haha. The nurse and I just had to bust his chops about it.
As for the procedure....OUCH. I mean, BIG TIME OUCH. Now, the doctor that did the insemination wasn't my normal doctor. It was his practice partner. So I was nervous right there. When he first started, he said, "I'm going to clean all the mucus off your cervix.." and I remember getting all excited cause I had lots of cervical mucus! Yea, that stuff excites me. He then told me that my uterus was tilted forward, which was "Normal. Lots of women have that. It's normal. No worries". When he started trying to insert the catheter into my cervix he was explaining, "A little bit of pressure...the line from the cervix to the uterus isn't straight you see, so I have to feel the way....more pressure." It was not just pressure, it was straight up pain! He ended up pulling it out, and then getting some "scissor looking things" (that is a direct quote from Curtis) and trying again. I think he ended up having to open my cervix a little bit and then he got the tube in. He kept saying, "It's normal, it's normal...Good job guys. Good job both of you." which made Curtis and I laugh later. After the torture process was over, I laid on the table with my knees up for about 15-20 minutes. Then the nurse came in with the post-iui instructions and strongly recommended we have sex that night. I'll be honest guys, that did not happen. I still felt like crap from the iui and was cramping pretty decently and Curtis just did not feel up to it. So, no mattress mambo that night!
Since the procedure I've been cramping off and on. Nothing too severe, just steady cramping like Aunt Flow is coming any day. About 6-7 days past the iui, my boobs started hurting. It feels like it's more than just my normal PMS soreness, but I could just be hoping! I'm currently 12 days past iui and no symptom changes have occurred. I've noticed I'm not...well....pooping as often as I used to, but that could be the progesterone or other stuff. No nausea, no cravings, no weird smells, nothing that really stands out as a BFP. I'm fighting the urge to test, but I keep telling myself that it's too early. The doctor said not to test until Saturday, but I might only make it until Thursday. I've made a post on thebump.com's infertility forum to get a general consensus of when I could potentially test, so we'll see what those girls say. It's strange cause the whole wait since the iui has been me thinking that it actually worked, that I am actually pregnant, until Monday morning. Monday morning I woke up and just thought, "It didn't work. I'm not pregnant." I had a pretty crappy Monday to say the least. Then I woke up this morning and thought, "It did work. I am pregnant!". So, needless to say, I've officially fallen off the deep end during this last week's wait, which is pretty bad considering we already knew I was crazy!
In the meantime, please continue to send your BFP/baby dust, prayers, good thoughts, crossed fingers, whatever that we've finally got what we've spent 3+ years hoping for! I appreciate all of the support!
Monday, October 8, 2012
Round 7 IUI update
Today was the day we finally got good news this round: The injections worked and we have about 4 mature follicles ready to trigger tomorrow night. Here is our schedule for the next couple days:
I'm super nervous about the insemination, since it's not our doctor doing it (way to plan a trip to Disneyland DOC! GAH!), but I'm really staying positive. I just keep telling myself that this is it. This is what we needed. I've always thought we would need the IUI, so I'm glad we're finally here.
In other news, I'm not sure if I mentioned it before (and I'm far to lazy to look), but our dog Ava had puppies again. I'm almost positive that I talked about her last litter (last year)...Well, she had another litter this time. Only instead of 2, she had 7! LET. ME. TELL. YOU. 7 puppies is ridiculous. They are only 3 weeks and I'm already counting down the days until we sell them. Thankfully, we already have people interested, but we haven't even got to weaning them yet! I cringe just thinking about it. I keep trying to leave the dirty work to Curtis, since this is kind of "his thing", but my OCD takes over and I have to get in there and clean and try to get the smell out. Ok, I'll admit, I think they're totally adorable and I play with them a bit too, but that doesn't mean I want to keep them or do this all over again anytime soon. Oy vey, it's just a lot of work!
OH! and I forgot to tell you. I was talking to the Dr. Formally-Awesome-Now-Disneyland-Butthead about the cost of the injections I had to take. I told him that I read that they were $500 a shot. He said, "Oh God no! The 5 shots you took were like a total of $200. The ones I will give you were like less than $50 a piece!" Talk about a load off!! Of course I'm hoping that we won't need to take those shots ever again, but to know that if we have to I won't have to shell out $3,500 for medicine, I'm relieved. To say the least! Ha ha.
Also, just a quick side note, I'm watching TLC while typing this and the commercial for Say Yes to the Cure: Lori's Fight came on. Can we say tears?? Damn I'm emotional.
Anyways, nothing but GOOD news today at the doctors! Yay! I'll be sure to give you all an update soon! Lots of love and baby dust to all of you!
P.S. If my Nana is reading this (she just got a computer and I sent her a link, so I'm hoping she figured out how to use it) I love you and can't wait to see you this weekend!! Muah!
- Trigger (have Curtis give me the shot of Ovidrel) at 10:30pm tomorrow night. She said that we don't have to do it exactly at 10:30, as long as it's not too much later.
- Thursday morning Curtis has an appointment to "do his thing" at 8:30am.
- My appointment is 10:30am.
- TWO WEEK WAIT!!
I'm super nervous about the insemination, since it's not our doctor doing it (way to plan a trip to Disneyland DOC! GAH!), but I'm really staying positive. I just keep telling myself that this is it. This is what we needed. I've always thought we would need the IUI, so I'm glad we're finally here.
In other news, I'm not sure if I mentioned it before (and I'm far to lazy to look), but our dog Ava had puppies again. I'm almost positive that I talked about her last litter (last year)...Well, she had another litter this time. Only instead of 2, she had 7! LET. ME. TELL. YOU. 7 puppies is ridiculous. They are only 3 weeks and I'm already counting down the days until we sell them. Thankfully, we already have people interested, but we haven't even got to weaning them yet! I cringe just thinking about it. I keep trying to leave the dirty work to Curtis, since this is kind of "his thing", but my OCD takes over and I have to get in there and clean and try to get the smell out. Ok, I'll admit, I think they're totally adorable and I play with them a bit too, but that doesn't mean I want to keep them or do this all over again anytime soon. Oy vey, it's just a lot of work!
OH! and I forgot to tell you. I was talking to the Dr. Formally-Awesome-Now-Disneyland-Butthead about the cost of the injections I had to take. I told him that I read that they were $500 a shot. He said, "Oh God no! The 5 shots you took were like a total of $200. The ones I will give you were like less than $50 a piece!" Talk about a load off!! Of course I'm hoping that we won't need to take those shots ever again, but to know that if we have to I won't have to shell out $3,500 for medicine, I'm relieved. To say the least! Ha ha.
Also, just a quick side note, I'm watching TLC while typing this and the commercial for Say Yes to the Cure: Lori's Fight came on. Can we say tears?? Damn I'm emotional.
Anyways, nothing but GOOD news today at the doctors! Yay! I'll be sure to give you all an update soon! Lots of love and baby dust to all of you!
P.S. If my Nana is reading this (she just got a computer and I sent her a link, so I'm hoping she figured out how to use it) I love you and can't wait to see you this weekend!! Muah!
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots!
Unfortunately the ultrasound today did not go well. My follicle response to Clomid was, well, lackluster to say the least. *Cue sad face* So, to ramp up the ol' ovaries that seem to decide that now is a good time for a nap, we have been given 4 sets of injectables of Bravelle. 150 IU today, 75 IU Friday, Saturday and Sunday. We have another ultrasound scheduled for Monday to check any progress. Estimated insemination date is then Wednesday. Here's a picture of the "gift bag" we got today:
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| Forgive my over-instagram-filter-usage. I am an instagram addict. Hate on it. |
Those boxes on the left? That's Progesterone. Vaginal inserts...cause we all know that I haven't had quite enough stuff shoved up my vagina this month. What's one more? I'm not to start those until after the insemination though. The nurse gave them to me now so that way I had them. Have I mentioned I love my doctor's office? 100 Gagillion Million times? I don't care. I love them.
Curtis just gave me the first shot, the 100mg, a few minutes ago and it wasn't fun. Not that shots are ever fun, but I wasn't expected the pinch. Maybe it's cause he did right below my belly button, when I normally give the Ovidrel trigger shots on the side of my stomach...or maybe I tensed...or maybe I'm just a big baby. Oh well. Only 3 more to go!
Also, a quick weight update: As of this past Saturday I am down 6 lbs! Yup. 207 to 201. I'm super excited about that and fully plan to get a scale this weekend to see if I'm finally below the 200 mark. Crossing fingers!!
Well, that's about all I got for now. As always send baby dust and I'm sending it back <3
P.S. For the record, I hate that song. The one in my title? Just awful. That and Dubstep are like dropping a banshee in acid.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Just call me Overachiever!
We just got back from our appointment with Dr. Awesome and got the results from my glucose test and thyroid and some other test that I can't remember what it's called. Ready for the results? Drumroll please!
- Insulin Resistant? Negative! I passed that test with flying colors.
- Thyroid issues? Non-existent!
- The other test I can't remember what it's called? All good too!
Yup, you read that right. Even though it seemed that PCOS was out to get me and ruin all our plans, it seems to have drawn the line at my metabolism and my ovaries. You know, only the real important parts. Ba dum tiss.
Anyways, it looks like there will be no need for Metformin after all. Thank goodness! That drug was not the most pleasant. I'm actually very relieved to hear that all tests came back so good. He did mention that there could still be a bit of endometriosis, but that it's not something that would require surgery. He therefore concluded that besides my PCOS flaring up, we are in the unexplained infertility category...just a smidge. That news is a bit disheartening, but my doctor is still confident we can get "the job done" soon.
So, in the meantime, while we wait for Aunt Flo, I am to continue with my dieting and get ready to call them on Cycle Day 1...which may come sooner than it did last cycle because the "girls" are already sore as heck. Perfect timing, of course, as our 3-year anniversary is next week. UGH. You can't win for losing with infertility, I swear!
Also, I know I said I would give a blog post regarding the diet conversation we had, and I am still open to doing that, I just wanted to see if anyone was interested in reading about that or learning some more information on it. If you are, please let me know and I will gladly give the lengthy details. If not, I'll spare some of you the sleep-inducing post.
Until next time, Good Thoughts and Baby Dust!!
*edit: One thing I forgot to mention was that I asked my doctor what his thoughts were on putting TTC on hold to give me more time to diet. He explained that while some women do that, they are generally way more overweight than I am and that from what my glucose tests show, I am at a small chance for Gestational Diabetes. He said the only ways I would probably get GD is if I became pregnant with twins or if I started gaining a bunch of weight super fast. I told him that while we would be ecstatic if I got pregnant with twins, I did not plan on straying from the diet plan we discussed. I'm committed!
*edit: One thing I forgot to mention was that I asked my doctor what his thoughts were on putting TTC on hold to give me more time to diet. He explained that while some women do that, they are generally way more overweight than I am and that from what my glucose tests show, I am at a small chance for Gestational Diabetes. He said the only ways I would probably get GD is if I became pregnant with twins or if I started gaining a bunch of weight super fast. I told him that while we would be ecstatic if I got pregnant with twins, I did not plan on straying from the diet plan we discussed. I'm committed!
P.S. I saw another pregnancy announcement on Facebook today. I finally blocked that awful app that posts "Your baby's progress" week by week. Is that shit really necessary? There's books for that. Please quit shoving it down my fucking throat. If this keeps up, I'm gonna block over half my friends by Christmas! :'((
Last Week Recap
Where do I even begin? Last week was QUITE the adventure! I guess I'll start at the top:
Last weekend (7th-9th) we helped my Mother-in-law move in to her new house. Thankfully I had just received my flu shot because on Sunday, Curtis got the flu and was sick as a dog! He even called off work on Monday and slept for about 20+ hours. I was hoping he'd be better by my glucose test on Monday morning, but alas he was not and I had to go by myself.
Speaking of the glucose test, that was so much fun, let's never do it again! Seriously though, that was rough. I made my appointment first thing in the morning knowing that I had to fast prior to it. I got in and she made me give a urine sample, then took some blood while explaining the test to me: "First, I'm testing your urine to be sure you have been fasting. The blood is a baseline sample, along with your thyroid sample. Next, you're going to drink the sugar concoction. It tastes like Orange Soda without the carbonation and a lot more sugar. You have four minutes to drink all of it. You may feel dizzy, light-headed, a sugar high, nauseous or sick. You can not have ANY water for the first 30 minutes. After that, I'll call you back for another urine sample and blood sample. Then you can have water, but don't drown yourself. After another 30 minutes, marking the 1 hour mark, you will have to give another urine sample and blood sample. Don't worry, we'll alternate arms. Then we won't call you back until the 2 hour mark is done. You'll give urine and blood, again, but then you will be finished. Any questions?" Now, I know I have a flare for the dramatics, but guys...THIS.TEST.WAS.AWFUL! That's no joke. The first hour was the worst. Within the first 15 minutes my lips went numb and I felt like I was gonna pass out. I remember thinking, "Good think I'm in the hospital already!". It was bad. Water helped a little, but I didn't finally start feeling better until after the halfway mark. Then I was immediately 1000x better! When I was telling the nurse, after the first 30 minutes, about my side effects she remarked, "Sounds like you got all of them then! Be thankful you're not pregnant and having to do this!" I explained to her, "That's actually the reason that I'm doing this. I'm trying to get pregnant and my doctor wants to see if I am insulin resistant. Hopefully I'll be back in 10 months doing this again, even though it totally sucks!". I wasn't mad and she couldn't have known why I was doing it, so I figured explaining it was enough.
Today I have my appointment with our RE to discuss the results of the test, at 3:30pm, so I'll be sure to give you an update on that as soon I get them myself.
Work has been crazy busy, but I'm raking in the overtime hours, so let's not count that as a complaint. I will admit, there are plenty of days that I do complain about my job, but I am very thankful for it and the money it gives me to help provide for my family. It's hard to remember that somedays though, so I definitely need to work on that!
Yesterday, our female German Shepherd gave birth to 8 puppies. She started around 10am and had 7 by 4:30pm. We thought she was finished, so we moved her in to our spare bedroom and went to my Mother-in-law's for dinner. When we came back, she was fine and so were the pups (the picture below). This morning, we checked on them again and found one pushed off to the side. It was dead. My heart just broke and I couldn't stop thinking about it the whole way to work. When Curtis got back home, he called me, "I think the one that died was a stillborn. I let Ava outside to go to the bathroom and re-counted the puppies. There's still 7 puppies. There's still 3 girls. I think this one might've died inside of her and she had her last night. So we would've had 4 boys and 4 girls, but...we still have 7!" As sad as I was, I was also a bit relieved that something didn't go wrong and one of them died. I am feeling a bit guilty since she had one while we were sleeping, but that means it came 12 hours after the first, which I am hoping is unheard of. Who knows if there's anything we could have done even if we had been awake?
Anyways, these next 8 weeks will be quite the roller coaster with that many pups! Weaning and teething and trying to potty train and growing...we did it last year with two, I can only imagine how "fun" 7 is going to be. But I have to admit, I can already see their fluffy little butts running around the yard in the autumn leaves and I am SO excited for that! Here's a picture of them just a few hours old:
Last weekend (7th-9th) we helped my Mother-in-law move in to her new house. Thankfully I had just received my flu shot because on Sunday, Curtis got the flu and was sick as a dog! He even called off work on Monday and slept for about 20+ hours. I was hoping he'd be better by my glucose test on Monday morning, but alas he was not and I had to go by myself.
Speaking of the glucose test, that was so much fun, let's never do it again! Seriously though, that was rough. I made my appointment first thing in the morning knowing that I had to fast prior to it. I got in and she made me give a urine sample, then took some blood while explaining the test to me: "First, I'm testing your urine to be sure you have been fasting. The blood is a baseline sample, along with your thyroid sample. Next, you're going to drink the sugar concoction. It tastes like Orange Soda without the carbonation and a lot more sugar. You have four minutes to drink all of it. You may feel dizzy, light-headed, a sugar high, nauseous or sick. You can not have ANY water for the first 30 minutes. After that, I'll call you back for another urine sample and blood sample. Then you can have water, but don't drown yourself. After another 30 minutes, marking the 1 hour mark, you will have to give another urine sample and blood sample. Don't worry, we'll alternate arms. Then we won't call you back until the 2 hour mark is done. You'll give urine and blood, again, but then you will be finished. Any questions?" Now, I know I have a flare for the dramatics, but guys...THIS.TEST.WAS.AWFUL! That's no joke. The first hour was the worst. Within the first 15 minutes my lips went numb and I felt like I was gonna pass out. I remember thinking, "Good think I'm in the hospital already!". It was bad. Water helped a little, but I didn't finally start feeling better until after the halfway mark. Then I was immediately 1000x better! When I was telling the nurse, after the first 30 minutes, about my side effects she remarked, "Sounds like you got all of them then! Be thankful you're not pregnant and having to do this!" I explained to her, "That's actually the reason that I'm doing this. I'm trying to get pregnant and my doctor wants to see if I am insulin resistant. Hopefully I'll be back in 10 months doing this again, even though it totally sucks!". I wasn't mad and she couldn't have known why I was doing it, so I figured explaining it was enough.
Today I have my appointment with our RE to discuss the results of the test, at 3:30pm, so I'll be sure to give you an update on that as soon I get them myself.
Work has been crazy busy, but I'm raking in the overtime hours, so let's not count that as a complaint. I will admit, there are plenty of days that I do complain about my job, but I am very thankful for it and the money it gives me to help provide for my family. It's hard to remember that somedays though, so I definitely need to work on that!
Yesterday, our female German Shepherd gave birth to 8 puppies. She started around 10am and had 7 by 4:30pm. We thought she was finished, so we moved her in to our spare bedroom and went to my Mother-in-law's for dinner. When we came back, she was fine and so were the pups (the picture below). This morning, we checked on them again and found one pushed off to the side. It was dead. My heart just broke and I couldn't stop thinking about it the whole way to work. When Curtis got back home, he called me, "I think the one that died was a stillborn. I let Ava outside to go to the bathroom and re-counted the puppies. There's still 7 puppies. There's still 3 girls. I think this one might've died inside of her and she had her last night. So we would've had 4 boys and 4 girls, but...we still have 7!" As sad as I was, I was also a bit relieved that something didn't go wrong and one of them died. I am feeling a bit guilty since she had one while we were sleeping, but that means it came 12 hours after the first, which I am hoping is unheard of. Who knows if there's anything we could have done even if we had been awake?
Anyways, these next 8 weeks will be quite the roller coaster with that many pups! Weaning and teething and trying to potty train and growing...we did it last year with two, I can only imagine how "fun" 7 is going to be. But I have to admit, I can already see their fluffy little butts running around the yard in the autumn leaves and I am SO excited for that! Here's a picture of them just a few hours old:
Other than that, Friday marked 1 week officially on my 1200 calorie-a-day diet. I downloaded the My Fitness Pall app for accountability. I weighed myself last Tuesday and was 206 lbs. As sad as that made me, I know it's also not my heaviest, so I was comforted at that. BUT, I do remember how hard it was to break out of the 200's so I need to do my damnedest to stay out of them once I get out of there again.
I did weigh myself this morning and I'm sitting at 204lbs, which breaks down to about 2lbs a week, which is healthy. I'm hoping the Metformin, if I get on it, will help make that 3-4lbs a weeks, but it's good to know with diet, and honestly, very little exercise, I can still lose a decent amount of weight. Yay! It's the small victories, ya know?
If any of you have My Fitness Pal, please feel free to add me! My username is Linseeloo.
Today we're on cycle day 21. If we're going by my last cycle I should expect Aunt Flow anywhere between the 26th (Curtis & I's 3 year anniversary...awesome >.<) and the 30th. Right now, my nipples are sore as hell, so I'm starting to think that she could actually come sooner, which is good cause I can't wait to get started on our first round of IUI! So wish us luck for appointment this afternoon and I'll be sure to update as soon as I can!
As always, good thoughts and baby dust!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Getting back in the stirrups
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| Not my awesome Doc......nor my legs 'sigh' |
First off, sorry about the graphic title...and the image. I clearly have issues that go beyond infertility.
Yesterdays meeting with our fabulous RE went pretty much according to plan. Maybe it's because I know what a fantastic doctor he is, or maybe I don't set my sights too high, but I swear we spent an hour and a half like a couple of friends just hanging out laughing. I'm honestly surprised we didn't bust out with some beers, although Doc did have himself Circle K 100oz coozie though, so I guess that was hilarious enough.
To kickoff the appointment, even though he knows most of our history, we went over a more in depth questionnaire regarding our health and our family health. I was able to tell him that thyroid issues run in my family, along with diabetes, and that my grandmother had some mild issues with conceiving as well. He immediately set up tests for my thyroid and a 2 hour glucose test, similar to the gestational diabetes test. Since I have PCOS there is a very good chance I am insulin resistant. Not diabetic, but definitely issues with the way my body processes sugars and takes in calories. He said that he and I could both eat a 1000 calorie burger, but my body would take in about 800 calories while his would take on around 600. We're both pretty sure that I will need to be on Metformin, but I'm taking the test to confirm it before just taking it to see what it does like last time. I'm not exactly looking forward to chugging down that sugar loaded concoction, but let's be honest, I've gone through worse during this process!
Apparently some answers I gave during the history questionnaire leads him to think I may have a mild case of Endometriosis as well, some scarring could be the reason my uterus is tilted, but from what he remembers on ultrasounds, he doesn't think it would be enough to require surgery or anything like that. I know how rough Endo is and when he said it could be possible my heart dropped in to my stomach, but he reassured me that it small amounts of Endo can be common (1 out of 36, I think) and that few benefit from surgery (1 in 25). He's gonna be sure that we keep an eye out for it for the time being.
The doctor also discussed my weight. I've never hid the fact that I am overweight, or at least I've tried not to. I've known it and I've struggled with it, but I've not been able to go full force with making a life change. He explained to me that if you took me, the way I am right now, and took away the PCOS, I would have no trouble conceiving. Then he said that if you took me as I am now, with the PCOS, and you took away 10-15% body weight, I would again have no trouble conceiving, so he is wanting to work with me on getting the weight under control to in turn get the PCOS to ease up a bit. We plan to meet after my tests come back and we'll discuss the Metformin and a more specific diet plan. I'll go in to more depth on this issue after that meeting.
Then, we got in to our protocol discussion. With PCOS, we need a plan that gives us a bit more control over the amount of eggs I produce as well as the quality. You see, Clomid tricks the brain in to producing MORE eggs, but it does nothing as far as the quality of them. Injectables (injected hormones) can control the amount as well as the quality. He said that women with PCOS tend to have trouble with ovulation and also the quality of their eggs, so we needed to go at these next rounds with more control (have I said control enough??). He is suggesting that we do 3 rounds of Intrauterine Insemination using Clomid and Injectables. Knowing our situation with insurance and that everything we pay is out of pocket, he says this is a good option for both our wallets and the extra bump we need to get the ol' uterus a working.
I brought up a statistic I heard about the difference between the success rates of IUI's and IVF's being only 15%. If we're doing IUI's with injectables, that can run a pretty penny, and we try for 3 rounds with no success, why not just save that money and go straight for IVF? He reiterated that PCOS can tend to effect the quality of the eggs, meaning that I could produce 20 mature follicles, but I could have only a few, at most, end up fertilized. Doc also said that while he's an aggressive treater, but he is confident that an IUI can get us where we need to go. Of course, we need to get one under our belt and see how my ovaries react, but if after 3 times we get no pregnancies, we will discuss moving on to IVF. I trust his judgement, so I have no problem following his lead.
And, as usual, everything with Curtis is going great. His sperm is fine, he has no family history that is disconcerting, etc. etc, blah blah. That ass ALWAYS has it easy!
Like I mentioned earlier, my doctor is fantastic. We discussed trying to work around my job schedule and the location difference, doing as much as we can in our little town, but also trying to ease up on the financial stuff. It's nice when someone understands that we're middle-class people that still have bills and such, and we can't just drop thousands out of our butts for this. It's also great to hear that, yes Curtis and I are young, but after 3 years of this, something isn't right. So while we wait for my next cycle to begin, we have about 3 weeks, we're going to do the thyroid & glucose testing, get my diet on track, and gear up for our first IUI round to begin!
As always, thanks for reading my absurdly long post (even though I'm sure you're glad it wasn't chock full of my ridiculous quips) and if you're on this roller coaster with me, Baby Dust and good thoughts your way!
xoxo, Lindsay Lou
P.S. I can see that I'm getting quite a bit of traffic, but my followers count is holding steady. Please don't be shy or be afraid to comment. I love meeting new people and I wouldn't mind answering any questions or snide remarks. All I ask is that you be nice, k?
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Conversations with the bitter infertile (me)
I keep saying Facebook is the devil and damn if it doesn't keep proving me right. Here's the story:
This girl I know from High School started trying to get pregnant in like, April/May of last year, right after her wedding. We had talked about Curtis & mine's struggle and that we were going to see a fertility specialist in August. I guess somewhere along the line in January, she deactivated her page because I stopped seeing posts from her. She just came back on Facebook last week and posted a status: "Me and my husband are finally pregnant after a year of trying! So happy!!" I was so jealous I promptly hid all her status reports and decided that ignoring her was the best option. So since then I have not seen ANYTHING she has posted. Apparently, she decided to message me. Here's the conversation we had yesterday...
Now, before I get in to this a little further, I guess I should explain some things. I did not "come out" on Facebook about our infertility for pity. I do not expect people to sympathize or tell me day in and day out how sorry they are that we are having to go through this. I told all of those on my friends list (in December) because I want infertility to not be a taboo subject anymore. I was also hoping that I would be able to find someone struggling like we are so we can bitch and moan about all of it together. It was not about attention and it's NOT all I talk about. If you were my friend on Facebook, you would see that I rarely bring it up and I still go about my regular trying-to-be-witty status updates.
With that being said, I still have feelings and I still feel hurt/jealous when other women end up pregnant. I seem like I'm handling all of this ok, and maybe I am, but it still gets to me. And for this friend to try and have that conversation with me, felt like a rub in my face. Let's say she didn't know about our infertility and that she was just asking me a question. This is not her first pregnancy. She has two other kids. She also has 438 other friends she could've asked this question too. Why me? She knows I have never been pregnant. I'm obviously not pregnant now. Nor do I even have a medical degree of any sort. I even asked her after this screenshot, "I mean this in the nicest way possible, but why did you ask me?" She responded with, "I know. I thought I would just try." Try what exactly?? I still cannot justify this inquiry in my head at all, even after sleeping on it and having Starbucks this morning. What the actual hell was the point? Did I expect her to message me and say, "Oh, I'm so sorry that you and Curtis still are not pregnant. Hang in there, it will happen"?? Maybe a little. I by no means expect people to apologize for getting pregnant, but a little tact never hurt. Jumping right in to the conversation without any thought to acknowledge my feelings or my struggles just seemed selfish. Blame it on jealousy, or the fact that I can be quite the bitter infertile, but this was just plain rude. Well-meaning intentions or not.
On to some good news...or just news: We've hit the middle mark of the two week wait. We've got one more week and then I can freely test, although I'm not sure I'm going to this time. I think I'm going to just wait until past d-day and then go from there. At this point, d-day is next Monday, so Tuesday will be the final hour. As always, prayers/thoughts/baby dust are welcome! Even some comments, if you're feeling particularly froggy...
Have a good one y'all!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Crying at 6 am
I kicked my Monday morning off with a little pregnancy test. As normal, it was negative. I cried as I got ready for the day and then most of the way in to work. I'm in absolutely no mood to be here today, but gotta push through, right? Curtis swears we can't trust the test...that it's not over until the fat lady bleeds (hah, came up with that this morning, a-thank you!), but I'm taking it for what it is: Not Pregnant. Wednesday is the final reckoning day, so I guess we'll see what happens...
Remember when my Mom told me that we were just doing all this for attention. I can't tell you how much I had wished that were true. I hoped and prayed that it was going to take one actual round of medication to get me knocked up. I wouldn't care if people whispered behind my back or whatever, because I'd be pregnant. But as always, "God has other plans for us" and it just...sucks. I don't understand what's going wrong?? My lining was thick and ready, Curtis' swimmers are "fantastic", I quit drinking caffeine, I had 4 follicles for crying out loud! Four that potentially dropped and I can't get one to fertilize and stick. I feel dejected and not good enough. I hate infertility.
I'm thinking of talking to my RE about an IUI. Either that or a post-coital test. We need some more answers as to what's going wrong. Regardless, today is going to be a hard day. I'm doing everything I can to not cry while at work. Have I mentioned I hate infertility??
Remember when my Mom told me that we were just doing all this for attention. I can't tell you how much I had wished that were true. I hoped and prayed that it was going to take one actual round of medication to get me knocked up. I wouldn't care if people whispered behind my back or whatever, because I'd be pregnant. But as always, "God has other plans for us" and it just...sucks. I don't understand what's going wrong?? My lining was thick and ready, Curtis' swimmers are "fantastic", I quit drinking caffeine, I had 4 follicles for crying out loud! Four that potentially dropped and I can't get one to fertilize and stick. I feel dejected and not good enough. I hate infertility.
I'm thinking of talking to my RE about an IUI. Either that or a post-coital test. We need some more answers as to what's going wrong. Regardless, today is going to be a hard day. I'm doing everything I can to not cry while at work. Have I mentioned I hate infertility??
Friday, January 27, 2012
A new outlook
It's amazing to me to still find ways that infertility has affected my life. For example, the other night Curtis and I were at dinner. As my eyes took in the families at the surrounding tables, I happened upon a couple that was sitting very close together not really speaking. There were no children around them. Now, this could mean a multitude of things: their children were with Grandma and Grandpa, they are childless by choice, they haven't started trying, they're falling out of love, she's pregnant right now etc, etc. But since I became an infertile statistic, I immediately wonder, "Are they trying, but unsuccessful like us too?". Their body language seemed to read that they were still in love, but there was a sadness around them. Of course, I could be imagining things as I'm crazy-hormone lady right now, emotional at EVERYTHING, but I couldn't help but wonder if they were infertile like us. I actually find myself wondering that more often lately; at the grocery store, at Walmart, commuting to and from work, childless co-workers. Maybe it's the urge to meet someone that I can relate with or maybe I'm still just crazy, but it's there regardless.
One thing I did notice, when I went to my RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office to get one of my ultrasounds, was that my urge to connect is not mine alone. I ran in to a woman in the waiting room, as she was leaving and I was...well...waiting. duh. Anyways, we smiled at each other, with an understanding as to why we're both there. We even said, "Hello." and she commented on how she can never find her keys in her purse. I held up my Wonder Woman lanyard (don't judge me) and said, "I have this for that exact reason!" (and cause I'm awesome). We laughed and wished each other a good day. There's such a sense of camaraderie with infertiles, that I almost don't want to get pregnant and get thrown to the wolves of "seasoned mothers". Hey, I said ALMOST. I just wish I didn't have to travel 100+ miles to a support group! I need infertile-dar so I can pinpoint the ones in my town and stalk them until they talk to me. Once again, don't judge me.
One other urge I am having is to pee on a stick. I HATE PEEING ON STICKS, especially ones with multiple lines or smiley faces, but I have the urge to do it regardless! I know what you're thinking "But Lindsay, you bought condoms. You didn't want to be pregnant this month, remember?! Are you so whacked out hormonally that you believe you have an immaculate conception?" Well, 1) Condoms suck and we used them for all of 5 minutes and resorted to the old high-school trick of "pull out". I'm sorry I just uttered those words, but you come here for the truth and that's exactly what I'm going to give you. You can totally judge me on this one. 2) Like any good infertile, the urge to be pregnant is still there! I know if I was I could be housing up to 8 in my womb, and I would completely pass out and cry, but with all these pregnancy announcements, and pictures of babies on my Facebook dash, I'm going out of my baby loving mind! 3) Yes I am still whacked out of my mind. That's just a given.
So anyways, I want to pee on a stick. Technically, the timing isn't even right. If we were to assume that I ovulated on the day of my last U/S (Jan. 16), which is unlikely as I don't ever ovulate that early, then I would still have til Monday for my 2 week wait. But I think I ovulated the Wednesday after my U/S (Jan. 18/19) so it could still take up until February 1st for my period to come. So I'd be 3-5 days early testing. But I don't care because I still want to. I used to make fun of other women for their peeing on a stick obsessions, now I'm getting it!
In other non-baby related news, I registered for college classes! Yay! I'm finally biting the bullet and going back to school because apparently I don't have enough shit going on, that I decided to add online school to my plate and our finances. My first class begins the first week of March and is Contemporary Economics. Is it totally weird that I'm so excited? Yea, I thought so. Anyways, wish me luck on the school AND the crazy urges part. I need all the help I can get!
One thing I did notice, when I went to my RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office to get one of my ultrasounds, was that my urge to connect is not mine alone. I ran in to a woman in the waiting room, as she was leaving and I was...well...waiting. duh. Anyways, we smiled at each other, with an understanding as to why we're both there. We even said, "Hello." and she commented on how she can never find her keys in her purse. I held up my Wonder Woman lanyard (don't judge me) and said, "I have this for that exact reason!" (and cause I'm awesome). We laughed and wished each other a good day. There's such a sense of camaraderie with infertiles, that I almost don't want to get pregnant and get thrown to the wolves of "seasoned mothers". Hey, I said ALMOST. I just wish I didn't have to travel 100+ miles to a support group! I need infertile-dar so I can pinpoint the ones in my town and stalk them until they talk to me. Once again, don't judge me.
One other urge I am having is to pee on a stick. I HATE PEEING ON STICKS, especially ones with multiple lines or smiley faces, but I have the urge to do it regardless! I know what you're thinking "But Lindsay, you bought condoms. You didn't want to be pregnant this month, remember?! Are you so whacked out hormonally that you believe you have an immaculate conception?" Well, 1) Condoms suck and we used them for all of 5 minutes and resorted to the old high-school trick of "pull out". I'm sorry I just uttered those words, but you come here for the truth and that's exactly what I'm going to give you. You can totally judge me on this one. 2) Like any good infertile, the urge to be pregnant is still there! I know if I was I could be housing up to 8 in my womb, and I would completely pass out and cry, but with all these pregnancy announcements, and pictures of babies on my Facebook dash, I'm going out of my baby loving mind! 3) Yes I am still whacked out of my mind. That's just a given.
So anyways, I want to pee on a stick. Technically, the timing isn't even right. If we were to assume that I ovulated on the day of my last U/S (Jan. 16), which is unlikely as I don't ever ovulate that early, then I would still have til Monday for my 2 week wait. But I think I ovulated the Wednesday after my U/S (Jan. 18/19) so it could still take up until February 1st for my period to come. So I'd be 3-5 days early testing. But I don't care because I still want to. I used to make fun of other women for their peeing on a stick obsessions, now I'm getting it!
In other non-baby related news, I registered for college classes! Yay! I'm finally biting the bullet and going back to school because apparently I don't have enough shit going on, that I decided to add online school to my plate and our finances. My first class begins the first week of March and is Contemporary Economics. Is it totally weird that I'm so excited? Yea, I thought so. Anyways, wish me luck on the school AND the crazy urges part. I need all the help I can get!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
The option we chose...
I think that speaks for itself.
Can I just mention that I giggles the ENTIRE time this was in my basket? Then, when the checkout boy had to do a price check on them, I hid my face. THEN, when he asked how my night was going, I turned bright red and said, "Fine". Real mature Lindsay.
Now I'm just waiting for the rumors that I'm cheating on my husband cause I bought condoms. It's a small town, it's bound to happen.
Oh the joys of infertility!
Can I just mention that I giggles the ENTIRE time this was in my basket? Then, when the checkout boy had to do a price check on them, I hid my face. THEN, when he asked how my night was going, I turned bright red and said, "Fine". Real mature Lindsay.
Now I'm just waiting for the rumors that I'm cheating on my husband cause I bought condoms. It's a small town, it's bound to happen.
Oh the joys of infertility!
Friday, December 30, 2011
[Insert some witty title here]
As if the past week wasn't exciting enough, the Provera finally did it's job and cycle day 1 started on Tuesday. I called and refilled my prescription for the Femara and decided to check on the two remaining refills I have. My doctor was kind enough to write me 5 prescriptions of the Femara total, and since I've met my deductible for this year (with my insurance), I wanted to see if I could fill all remaining prescriptions. You see, I only pay $7 per round right now. Unfortunately, I waited to long and will only be able to get one more prescription filled before the end of the year; on the 31st exactly! If this round, and that round fail, the next one I buy in 2012 will cost us $186. Hopefully that dollar sign is motivation to my ovaries to GET STUFF DONE. haha.
Anyways, cycle day 3 hit yesterday, so I started my first dose of the Femara. As usual, Curtis is just starting his graveyard shift, so I'm all by my lonesome with only my crazy pills and Netflix to keep me company. Well, that's not true. I do have two cute little German Shepherd puppies to keep me company. I'm not sure if I told you, but the day after my Pop passed, my female German Shepherd (we have a male and a female), Ava, had puppies. We knew she was pregnant, as I found them stuck together outside one day, and as luck would have it, she went in to labor almost right after we left town. Thankfully my brother-in-law and his girlfriend were able to hold down the fort until Curtis got back. She only had two, thank God, but they are two of the cutest puppies I've ever seen! I'm fighting getting too attached to them, as we know we don't want four or even three full grown GSD's to feed, but it's so hard when they are just.so.adorable! So while they are at the house, keeping me busy with letting them out to go to the bathroom and feeding/weaning them, I am keeping as much distance as I can. They turned 6 weeks old today, so when I get off work it'll be time for their shots. And while we wanted to keep them until they were 8 weeks, they are getting to be quite the handful and seem to be able to make it just fine without Mama, so they may be able to go to new homes a bit sooner.
Then to top it all off with a big, fat cherry, Curtis and I are completely sick. I started it by coming home from the family fiasco with my sister's cold and it's just working its way around our house. I'm downing vitamin c like nobody's business, hoping that this wears off before New Year's day. Who wants to start out a year alone with a cold? Yea, Curtis is working New Year's night. I swear, fate, Mother Nature, God, whomever!, has just decided that every round of Femara is torture time for Lindsay. It always happens on graveyard! Ugh.
Anyways, enough of my ranting and complaining. Ultrasound is scheduled next Friday at a new doctor's office since my office's u/s tech is out. If all goes well, I could be getting my trigger shot that day! Two days before Curtis' next graveyard shift begins. UGH. Do you know how unromantic it is to spend the hour and 15 minutes I have with him on graveyard days with a pillow under my butt, legs in the air, naked as a jaybird? Trust me it's not.
Now I know this post is getting long, but bare with me (is it bare? or bear? Heck if I know). If you've been reading this blog since the beginning, or even jumped in somewhere in the middle, I thank you. The support from friends and in-laws has been inspiring and so wonderful. I seriously love each and every one of you. 2011 was quite the year for me. I swear it flew by, yet I feel like we accomplished so much in that short time. I lost the greatest man I knew and was diagnosed with infertility. My stepson was taken across the country and we spent money we were saving for a family vacation on a lawyer instead. But in the midst of all this negative, Curtis and I grew closer than ever before. I don't think my relationship has ever been as solid as it feels now. I made friends and grew closer to people I never would've imagined, some whom I've never even met!, seem closer to me now than my own family. So while I can't wait for 2012, I can say I'll never forget 2011. It was a real turning point for me. And I hope that all of you have fond memories of 2011 that you can look back on. I wish you all a Happy New Year and I'll see you all on the other side of 2012! Here's to new beginnings!
Anyways, cycle day 3 hit yesterday, so I started my first dose of the Femara. As usual, Curtis is just starting his graveyard shift, so I'm all by my lonesome with only my crazy pills and Netflix to keep me company. Well, that's not true. I do have two cute little German Shepherd puppies to keep me company. I'm not sure if I told you, but the day after my Pop passed, my female German Shepherd (we have a male and a female), Ava, had puppies. We knew she was pregnant, as I found them stuck together outside one day, and as luck would have it, she went in to labor almost right after we left town. Thankfully my brother-in-law and his girlfriend were able to hold down the fort until Curtis got back. She only had two, thank God, but they are two of the cutest puppies I've ever seen! I'm fighting getting too attached to them, as we know we don't want four or even three full grown GSD's to feed, but it's so hard when they are just.so.adorable! So while they are at the house, keeping me busy with letting them out to go to the bathroom and feeding/weaning them, I am keeping as much distance as I can. They turned 6 weeks old today, so when I get off work it'll be time for their shots. And while we wanted to keep them until they were 8 weeks, they are getting to be quite the handful and seem to be able to make it just fine without Mama, so they may be able to go to new homes a bit sooner.
Then to top it all off with a big, fat cherry, Curtis and I are completely sick. I started it by coming home from the family fiasco with my sister's cold and it's just working its way around our house. I'm downing vitamin c like nobody's business, hoping that this wears off before New Year's day. Who wants to start out a year alone with a cold? Yea, Curtis is working New Year's night. I swear, fate, Mother Nature, God, whomever!, has just decided that every round of Femara is torture time for Lindsay. It always happens on graveyard! Ugh.
Anyways, enough of my ranting and complaining. Ultrasound is scheduled next Friday at a new doctor's office since my office's u/s tech is out. If all goes well, I could be getting my trigger shot that day! Two days before Curtis' next graveyard shift begins. UGH. Do you know how unromantic it is to spend the hour and 15 minutes I have with him on graveyard days with a pillow under my butt, legs in the air, naked as a jaybird? Trust me it's not.
Now I know this post is getting long, but bare with me (is it bare? or bear? Heck if I know). If you've been reading this blog since the beginning, or even jumped in somewhere in the middle, I thank you. The support from friends and in-laws has been inspiring and so wonderful. I seriously love each and every one of you. 2011 was quite the year for me. I swear it flew by, yet I feel like we accomplished so much in that short time. I lost the greatest man I knew and was diagnosed with infertility. My stepson was taken across the country and we spent money we were saving for a family vacation on a lawyer instead. But in the midst of all this negative, Curtis and I grew closer than ever before. I don't think my relationship has ever been as solid as it feels now. I made friends and grew closer to people I never would've imagined, some whom I've never even met!, seem closer to me now than my own family. So while I can't wait for 2012, I can say I'll never forget 2011. It was a real turning point for me. And I hope that all of you have fond memories of 2011 that you can look back on. I wish you all a Happy New Year and I'll see you all on the other side of 2012! Here's to new beginnings!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Still me, just slightly crazier
As you know I've been hoping that we would be one of the "lucky ones". No, not those lucky ones who get pregnant one drunken night with their spouse. Or those lucky ones that threw out their birth control the month prior to their wedding and got knocked up 2-3 months later. I'm talking about the "lucky ones" who go through the HSG test and sometimes get pregnant thanks to the little pipe cleaning that took place. My hope grew even more when I started cramping a while back, but nothing came of it. My hope grew to an even bigger size when Curtis' results came back with "SPERM ANALYSIS GOOD".
As of yesterday afternoon, driving home from work (cycle day 30) I wasn't bleeding, I wasn't cramping, my lower back wasn't hurting; I was only feeling the same nipple pain I've been feeling for at least a week now. My hope grew to an OUTRAGEOUS size. By "outrageous size" I mean: imagining myself peeing on a stick, seeing that glorious double pink line, taking a picture with my iPhone, editing it in Instagram*, pulling it to my computer, putting it on a flash drive, taking it to Walmart and printing a copy, inserting said copy into a sapp 'I love you just cause' card, then driving to Curtis' work and giving him the card. He hollers, sweeps me off my feet in a joyous hug while I'm laughing and crying and so overcome with happiness that I can hardly freaking stand it... See? OUTRAGEOUS. But, as all good little infertiles know, that hope has to come back to cackle and spit in our face and show us who's really boss. I woke up this morning around 3ish due to my dogs barking at the wind blowing** and felt some major cramping. I thought, Oh there you are bitch and went back to sleep. I got up later when my alarm went off and went pee. TMI ALERT: I felt my stomach roll and thought maybe that cramping was just me having to do the completely unlady-like act of a #2, until I wiped. Blood. Red, not really brown at all. Very light, but enough to knock my ass right off that damn high-horse. I immediately reached for a tampon. Curtis heard the tell-tale wrapper and asked, "Did you start bleeding?" I could hear the disappointment in his voice (and that's always the hardest part...knowing I'm not the only one let down here). "Yea, a little" I responded and since then, I've been sad, dejected Lindsay all morning.
The worst part about this? I keep trying to talk myself out of it. You could still be pregnant I think. A little red blood is fine! I bet you'll remove that tampon and there will be hardly anything at all. Your nipples still hurt! That's not normal for you! Once you start bleeding that pain goes away usually. It's such a viscious cycle I'm on***! I oughta be used to it by now. Anytime my gums bleed while brushing my teeth, I'm Pregnant!! I smell something Curtis can't, I'm Pregnant!! I feel sick to my stomach, then eat something and feel better, I'mfat Pregnant!! That's pretty much how every month goes. And yet still I sit here thinking Is that a cramp? Maybe a little bit. But pregnant women still cramp a little in the beginning...sometimes. Maybe I'll be one of those pregnant women who still gets their period? Yea, that's it. Does this ever end?! Oh yea, it does...when I can finally, actually say, "I'm Pregnant!!"
Until then, I guess I have to settle for, "I'm not pregnant, I'm Crazy!!"
*Wanting to edit a picture of a stick I just pissed on kinda confirms the crazy now doesn't it?
**Seriously, my dogs bark at everything.
***No pun intended...Or was it?
As of yesterday afternoon, driving home from work (cycle day 30) I wasn't bleeding, I wasn't cramping, my lower back wasn't hurting; I was only feeling the same nipple pain I've been feeling for at least a week now. My hope grew to an OUTRAGEOUS size. By "outrageous size" I mean: imagining myself peeing on a stick, seeing that glorious double pink line, taking a picture with my iPhone, editing it in Instagram*, pulling it to my computer, putting it on a flash drive, taking it to Walmart and printing a copy, inserting said copy into a sapp 'I love you just cause' card, then driving to Curtis' work and giving him the card. He hollers, sweeps me off my feet in a joyous hug while I'm laughing and crying and so overcome with happiness that I can hardly freaking stand it... See? OUTRAGEOUS. But, as all good little infertiles know, that hope has to come back to cackle and spit in our face and show us who's really boss. I woke up this morning around 3ish due to my dogs barking at the wind blowing** and felt some major cramping. I thought, Oh there you are bitch and went back to sleep. I got up later when my alarm went off and went pee. TMI ALERT: I felt my stomach roll and thought maybe that cramping was just me having to do the completely unlady-like act of a #2, until I wiped. Blood. Red, not really brown at all. Very light, but enough to knock my ass right off that damn high-horse. I immediately reached for a tampon. Curtis heard the tell-tale wrapper and asked, "Did you start bleeding?" I could hear the disappointment in his voice (and that's always the hardest part...knowing I'm not the only one let down here). "Yea, a little" I responded and since then, I've been sad, dejected Lindsay all morning.
The worst part about this? I keep trying to talk myself out of it. You could still be pregnant I think. A little red blood is fine! I bet you'll remove that tampon and there will be hardly anything at all. Your nipples still hurt! That's not normal for you! Once you start bleeding that pain goes away usually. It's such a viscious cycle I'm on***! I oughta be used to it by now. Anytime my gums bleed while brushing my teeth, I'm Pregnant!! I smell something Curtis can't, I'm Pregnant!! I feel sick to my stomach, then eat something and feel better, I'm
Until then, I guess I have to settle for, "I'm not pregnant, I'm Crazy!!"
*Wanting to edit a picture of a stick I just pissed on kinda confirms the crazy now doesn't it?
**Seriously, my dogs bark at everything.
***No pun intended...Or was it?
Monday, September 19, 2011
In case you read my last post....
I have deleted it. It was written in a moment of anger and bitterness. I seem to feel a lot of those two these days. I have since done my research, like the neurotic control-freak that I am, and have found out that AHCCCS does NOT cover infertility services. Not the testing, treatment, nada.
As for the cousin who sometimes speaks before thinking, I have decided to just keep my mouth shut. I am brushing the "lol" comment off and choosing to NOT inform her of what I found about her coverage. I don't want her to think that I am challenging her or cause her any pain or grief. If her husband and her choose to pursue fertility treament like us, they will find out just how much it costs and they will realize that it is no laughing matter. Unless you've lost your mind and I've heard of that happening!
I'm chocking this whole incident up to being a crazy, emotional girl trying to make it to closing time on a Monday. We're all allowed those slips...right?
As for the cousin who sometimes speaks before thinking, I have decided to just keep my mouth shut. I am brushing the "lol" comment off and choosing to NOT inform her of what I found about her coverage. I don't want her to think that I am challenging her or cause her any pain or grief. If her husband and her choose to pursue fertility treament like us, they will find out just how much it costs and they will realize that it is no laughing matter. Unless you've lost your mind and I've heard of that happening!
I'm chocking this whole incident up to being a crazy, emotional girl trying to make it to closing time on a Monday. We're all allowed those slips...right?
Friday, September 16, 2011
Every journey begins with a single step...
But which step was our first step? Where should I begin this story at?? I guess the very beginning. Don't worry, I'll try to make it the short version:
2006 - Girl meets Boy (please remind me to tell you about that story. It's truly fate!). Boy and Girl fall in love and begin dating. They soon realize that each other is "the one" and talk excitedly of the future.
2009 - Boy and Girl finally get married. While Boy already has a child from a previous relationship, they dream of the having a child that will have the Boy's nose & laugh, the Girl's smile & brains, and the perfect combination of their blue eyes. They unofficially start trying to make that dream reality.
2010 - Girl meets with doctor who says, "Try for one year and if nothing, come back to see me."
2010-2011 - Nothing. No pregnancies, no almost pregnancies. Just...nothing. Girl feels like her uterus is a barren desert wasteland.
September 15, 2011 - Girl goes back to doctor who sets up the schedule of events and writes on every referral, "Reason for referral: INFERTILITY"
And that's where we are today. I've read many other blogs of infertility or struggling to conceive and my heart breaks for them. Some never have periods, therefore never ovulate. I, on the other hand, ovulate and have a regular period every month. Some have been diagnosed with PCOS since they were young girls. I've seen many doctors and have been told, once, that I only have a tilted uterus. You're probably reading this thinking, Why on earth are you testing then? You seem perfectly healthy and normal. You're only 24! You have all the time in the world to try and conceive. Trust me, I've heard it all. But one thing you will learn about me is that I follow my gut and my gut is telling me that something just isn't right. My husband and I have not protected/prevented since 1 year after starting to date. We will have been together for 6 years in May 2012. I'm sure there are cases of women who have been with their spouse for 10 years before getting pregnant, I know there are exceptions...but if I can get the tests done now and ease my anxious mind, I say why not? It's better to find out now, while I am younger and I have years left for plan D after plan A,B & C all failed (if they should). You can't put a price tag on peace of mind.
So, going back to our first official infertility appointment: I started my period on Tuesday. I took that as a "sign". A negative "sign". I mean, starting your period before an appointment where the doctor may want to do "invasive" tests and such? I was a bit discouraged. Instead, I found out that instead of it being negative, I found out it may be a positive one. Apparently most of the fertility testing is to be completed on specific days of your cycle. Day one is the start bleeding date (Tuesday). The blood work tests should be done on Day 3, which so happened to be the day of my appointment! SCORE! So I got my blood drawn yesterday. Next week are my next two procedures: a Pelvic Ultrasound and a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). The ultrasound can be done whenever, but the HSG has to be done between days 5-12 of my cycle. This whole thing has worked out great! I walked out of that appointment...no...I practically skipped out of that appointment feeling more optimistic then I have in 2 years. Sure, I'm fully aware that the ultrasound is uncomfortable and the HSG is painful (not to mention expensive), but I feel closer to being pregnant then I ever have. And like I said earlier, you just can't put a price tag on that feeling.
The doctor also talked to me about getting my husband's sperm tested. Can you believe he has the nerve to be embarrassed? Ha ha. I told him that if all I had to do in all of this was have an orgasm, I would greatly change places! Ok, I'll be honest, I do understand where's coming from. He's already a very shy guy. I know that he's completely dreading have to do "it" because everyone there will know that he is. I'm not a very shy person though...oh no, I am very outgoing and boisterous. You can blame it on the Italian in me! When they say opposites attract, they surely meant my Husband and I! So being the fantastic wife that I am, I just have to rib him about it as much as I can!
She also printed me out a schedule that we may take up once the testing is complete. It includes the prescription drug Clomid, which I already warned my Hubs about. "Double the estrogen honey...you know what that means..." I saw him physically cringe. Secretly I did too. I suppose we won't get in to that until we need to though.
My reason for the blog is, just like any other blog, a place to vent and keep others updated. We're not making it very public that we're going through the testing...a few close friends and family members know and that's it. I'm not projecting it all over Facebook or even on my Tumblr. This is something I'd like to keep more private...as I type to post this all over the world wide web...'sigh'. Regardless, someday I may want to look back on this and remember how I feel today. The hope, the optimism, the happiness. There may be dark days ahead and I don't want to forget where we started...where we're coming from. And, of course, there's the hope that someday I can show this to the child we finally have and remind them of just how much I love them and that there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them.
Crossing fingers and toes,
Lindsay
2006 - Girl meets Boy (please remind me to tell you about that story. It's truly fate!). Boy and Girl fall in love and begin dating. They soon realize that each other is "the one" and talk excitedly of the future.
2009 - Boy and Girl finally get married. While Boy already has a child from a previous relationship, they dream of the having a child that will have the Boy's nose & laugh, the Girl's smile & brains, and the perfect combination of their blue eyes. They unofficially start trying to make that dream reality.
2010 - Girl meets with doctor who says, "Try for one year and if nothing, come back to see me."
2010-2011 - Nothing. No pregnancies, no almost pregnancies. Just...nothing. Girl feels like her uterus is a barren desert wasteland.
September 15, 2011 - Girl goes back to doctor who sets up the schedule of events and writes on every referral, "Reason for referral: INFERTILITY"
And that's where we are today. I've read many other blogs of infertility or struggling to conceive and my heart breaks for them. Some never have periods, therefore never ovulate. I, on the other hand, ovulate and have a regular period every month. Some have been diagnosed with PCOS since they were young girls. I've seen many doctors and have been told, once, that I only have a tilted uterus. You're probably reading this thinking, Why on earth are you testing then? You seem perfectly healthy and normal. You're only 24! You have all the time in the world to try and conceive. Trust me, I've heard it all. But one thing you will learn about me is that I follow my gut and my gut is telling me that something just isn't right. My husband and I have not protected/prevented since 1 year after starting to date. We will have been together for 6 years in May 2012. I'm sure there are cases of women who have been with their spouse for 10 years before getting pregnant, I know there are exceptions...but if I can get the tests done now and ease my anxious mind, I say why not? It's better to find out now, while I am younger and I have years left for plan D after plan A,B & C all failed (if they should). You can't put a price tag on peace of mind.
So, going back to our first official infertility appointment: I started my period on Tuesday. I took that as a "sign". A negative "sign". I mean, starting your period before an appointment where the doctor may want to do "invasive" tests and such? I was a bit discouraged. Instead, I found out that instead of it being negative, I found out it may be a positive one. Apparently most of the fertility testing is to be completed on specific days of your cycle. Day one is the start bleeding date (Tuesday). The blood work tests should be done on Day 3, which so happened to be the day of my appointment! SCORE! So I got my blood drawn yesterday. Next week are my next two procedures: a Pelvic Ultrasound and a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). The ultrasound can be done whenever, but the HSG has to be done between days 5-12 of my cycle. This whole thing has worked out great! I walked out of that appointment...no...I practically skipped out of that appointment feeling more optimistic then I have in 2 years. Sure, I'm fully aware that the ultrasound is uncomfortable and the HSG is painful (not to mention expensive), but I feel closer to being pregnant then I ever have. And like I said earlier, you just can't put a price tag on that feeling.
The doctor also talked to me about getting my husband's sperm tested. Can you believe he has the nerve to be embarrassed? Ha ha. I told him that if all I had to do in all of this was have an orgasm, I would greatly change places! Ok, I'll be honest, I do understand where's coming from. He's already a very shy guy. I know that he's completely dreading have to do "it" because everyone there will know that he is. I'm not a very shy person though...oh no, I am very outgoing and boisterous. You can blame it on the Italian in me! When they say opposites attract, they surely meant my Husband and I! So being the fantastic wife that I am, I just have to rib him about it as much as I can!
She also printed me out a schedule that we may take up once the testing is complete. It includes the prescription drug Clomid, which I already warned my Hubs about. "Double the estrogen honey...you know what that means..." I saw him physically cringe. Secretly I did too. I suppose we won't get in to that until we need to though.
My reason for the blog is, just like any other blog, a place to vent and keep others updated. We're not making it very public that we're going through the testing...a few close friends and family members know and that's it. I'm not projecting it all over Facebook or even on my Tumblr. This is something I'd like to keep more private...as I type to post this all over the world wide web...'sigh'. Regardless, someday I may want to look back on this and remember how I feel today. The hope, the optimism, the happiness. There may be dark days ahead and I don't want to forget where we started...where we're coming from. And, of course, there's the hope that someday I can show this to the child we finally have and remind them of just how much I love them and that there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them.
Crossing fingers and toes,
Lindsay
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