Guess What?!

As you all know, this past "cycle" was dubbed our last "laid-back round" before we took a short hiatus from the crazy-ness that is fertility treatments. I can now absolutely say that we relaxed and guess what happened?? 

NOTHING. 

That's right folks! Aunt flow showed up very passionately this morning and I am currently sitting at my desk watching Jenna Marbles, writing this blog and writhing in pain all the while trying my best not to hurl in my garbage can. Multi-tasking FTW (for the win)!! Seriously though, I have tried everything for my hellacious cramps and the only thing that has ever worked is a heating pad (which I unfortunately do not have here at work). I even took an excessive amount of medication earlier, more than I originally thought, OOPS!, and it has not worked. A few days ago, when I first had the inkling that Aunt Flow was due to arrive, I would feel some mild cramping for a few minutes, but that was it. Silly me thought that my working out was helping lessen the severity of them. Once again, Mother Nature has other plans for Lindsay! Bitch. I'm about tired of her shenanigans....

Anywho, now begins our 4 month break from ingesting Clomid. I'm still taking Metformin and still have not purchased a scale yet, so I'm not sure if I'm losing weight, but I am feeling better...besides today of course. I'm feeling healthier and quite a bit more like my old self. My infamous snarkiness has returned!! I'm not sure how Curtis feels about that, haha, but it has returned regardless. 

Annnnndddd, that's about all I got for today. I think I'm having a hard time focusing through the pain right now. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to treat myself to Game of Thrones Season 1 when I get off work and curl up on the couch until Curtis gets home. I think I've earned it. Baby dust to all those out there in the middle of cycles!! 

Until next time!

Bullet List Update

Hey guys! Please forgive me for not getting back to you sooner. There were so many times I wanted to blog, but I kept waiting until I had something really substantial to tell you guys about. Unfortunately, I sit here writing you with only a few menial things to update you on. To the bullet list Batman!

• Working out: It's going great! Tonight I will be starting my third week of consecutive, 3x a week TNT classes, and so far it's great. There have been more than one occasions where I thought I was going to lose my lunch, but thankfully I've been puke-free. I'm pushing myself as much as I can, but I've got a mild case of shin splints and my knees are killing me, so my running is really sucking. In all honesty, I think it's my shoes that aren't helping, so we'll see if I switch it up tonight if I feel any better. The shoes I've been wearing lately have been my new Nike's. And while there is nothing wrong with Nike, they tend to run narrow and have a high arch. I am very much flat footed and therefore also wide footed, so finding a comfortable pair of shoes is a nightmare. I was thinking of trying some Vibrams (or any similar brands), thinking if I can let my foot just be as natural as possible, it may help, but I'm not sure. The only brand I've found, that gives me no hassle, is New Balance. I may just need to invest in some of those. I guess only time will tell! 
• Dieting: Last week I did pretty well. I did splurge this weekend, but I seem to have more self-control when I'm on my work schedule. When I'm at home, it seems that all my dieting goes out the window. I will say though, Monday through Friday I am bread and pasta free, and that in itself is an accomplishment. It's the small victories guys. 
• Metformin: My doc approved me for it and sent in the prescription for me. I picked it up on Saturday and chickened out on taking it all the way up until Wednesday night. I was nervous about the nausea, and other gross side effects, and was very leery about taking it. Finally, I just bit the bullet and took it. I take it with food everytime, so that's helping. And so far the only side effects I'm getting is, sorry!, diarrhea. Which, actually, I would prefer over nausea. It's also weird, but I feel like I'm hungrier. Maybe it's the dieting, or maybe it really is the Metformin, but I seem to be hungry every two-three hours. Which coincides correctly with the eating plan I'm on, but I think my body seems to be adjusting to the medication fairly well. Unfortunately, I haven't weighed myself yet, so I'm unsure if I've lost any weight, but I will soon get a scale to track my progress and keep you guys updated! If you care at all...
• Emotionally: I'm doing a lot better! I seem to have found something else to focus on other than my sadness and longing for a baby. I still get jealous when people post on Facebook that they are pregnant, or if someone cryptically writes that they have, "such amazing news!! We are so blessed!!" I prepare myself for another baby announcement, but I seem to be able to move past it a lot easier than before. The longing and the desire for a baby is still there, I'm just not allowing it to consume me as much as it was there for a while. Instead, I turn it in to motivation at trying to become a healthier, more-fit me. It's a nice change of scenery. I will admit I had a minor setback last week though. I had some girl on Tumblr tell me to try losing weight and maybe then I'd get pregnant. I harbored that thought for the entire rest of my day, which was dumb because I let some stranger, who doesn't even know me, get to me, but regardless is hurt. Thankfully that night I had my workout class so I was able to work through that!  
• On the baby front: I'm 90% sure I ovulated a couple days ago, so we'll see in 2 weeks if Aunt Flow shows up or not. Of course we weren't trying "hardcore" this month, so I'm not expecting anything, but we have fully decided that this will be the last round until September. For the next 4 months I am not going to be peeing on any ovulation sticks, taking any medication (besides my Metformin) and I am not going to be charting my cycle. I don't even know what cycle day I am on right now, to tell you the truth. It's weird how liberating this is feeling! I'm still going to keep this blog as our journey through this infertility is not coming to a close, I will probably just talk about other things going on in my life. Such as my stepson gets here in June and we are having fun planning all kinds of fun things to do this summer while he's visiting. We're also revisiting the idea of buying a house soon, so I may be blogging about that. Basically, whatever I want to blog about, haha. My life, My self, is not defined by Infertility alone, so why should I allow my blog to be? 

Well, I think that's pretty much all of it. I'm sure if I missed something I'll be back to bore you guys with more meaningless junk. In the meantime, as always, good luck and baby dust to all of you!! 

Cleaning out the funk

I finally followed some of my own advice: Last night, I swallowed my pride and signed back up for the TNT (tone-n-tighten) classes I took last spring & summer. They helped me then, A LOT, so I am pretty positive that they are going to help me now.
Our first class was yesterday and I promise you, I am making very audible, involuntary groans when I stand up. Don't even ask me about walking. Picture it something like this:

It's amazing to think just some (body weight) squats, sumo squats and lunges is all it takes to get this glorious burn that is currently residing in my thighs and hips! The whole time our teacher, or Sensei as I call him, kept saying, "I bet you missed this didn't you?!" When I could actually form the words, I would respond with a gasping, "Yup!".  In all honesty, I really did. Even though I struggled to crawl out of bed this morning, I could already feel a difference in me emotionally. I know in just a few weeks all my insecurities and weakness will be stripped away, revealing a stronger Lindsay that had slinked in to the dark the past few months.

Okay, now that I'm done with all that uplifting motivational crap, I should let you know that I put a call in to my doc regarding a possible script for Metformin. I know I passed the fasting glucose level, but I'd be willing to bet the farm I might fail, or come close, to the more extended glucose test...how's that for a specific medical test name? I mean the one where I drink that nasty crap and then they check my blood sugar an hour or so later. My RE had said that if you can see some darker spots in the underarms and thigh/crotch areas, it's a sign of insulin resistance. So, for the time being, I am going to see if the Metformin can help me lose weight a bit faster, until I can get my diet under control and shed at least 20 lbs. I haven't heard back from the nurse yet, but I will surely keep you guys updated.
In other news, my trusty Nurse C, is no longer working with my OB's office. That made me pretty sad. Here's to hoping that Nurse E is just as helpful as Nurse C was. I wish I could have seen her in person and thanked for all the help she provided me. She was such a nice lady.

Well, I think that's all for now. I'm sure my past few entries have cemented the diagnosis of bi-polar disorder! I'd like to blame it on the Clomid, but I think it goes a bit deeper than that. *Side note: that's probably one of the ONLY good things about infertility, taking ridiculous drugs and being able to blame our craziness on them!* Anyways, hopefully my dieting and exercising will help snap me back in to place so I don't run all of you off! Wish me luck!
Until next time....

Heart's not in it

For the first time ever, I missed one of my doses of Clomid. I'm not even kidding. Friday night, I took my first dose. Saturday night, totally spaced it. I didn't realize until I woke up at 6 in the morning to get my new puppy out of the bathroom and bring him in bed with us. And you know what I did? I thought, SHIT!, and promptly fell back asleep. I didn't really know what to do, so I took it at noon after eating some brunch, and I have changed the remaining dosage times to noon to follow suit.
I don't know what bothered me most: the fact that I missed a dose or the fact that I didn't particularly seem to care. Apparently when I said, "laid-back", I meant it. This place I'm in now, emotionally not physically; physically I'm at work, which sucks cause it's Monday, but is technically Tuesday because we have Friday off, which is totally weird since everyone else works on Friday, but we didn't get President's day or any other legit holiday off...I kind of like it though because everything is still open and I'm able to run errands like the bank and what not....DAMN, got off topic.
I digress, the place I'm at emotionally is weird. It's a first for me since starting all this treatment. I'm actually kind of sick of babies. *GASP* I know! I know! It's totally crazy right? Going from obsessed with babies and everything babies, to just...not. I feel like I'm in this weird alter-dimension where that Lindsay is damn sick of hearing about babies and thinking about babies. She's done seeing her months fly by in cycle days, not really days of the month. It's so....weird. Going from the brink of desperation back to the middle and just kind of being like, "eh" about the whole thing. I can't even dig down through my psyche, like a shrink would, and find the reason my feelings have changed. Maybe this is normal and most women dealing with infertility go through this? Maybe it's cause I got a new puppy that I have to baby and carry everywhere cause he.is.tiny. and it's feeding my need to mother something? Maybe it's cause I'm just sick of having all of my thoughts revolving around one specific goal? I have no clue. Would I feel this way if I were 30? Who knows! All I know is that I'm in this middle ground between funk and functioning and I am at a loss of how to move...in either direction. It's probably that I just need to get the eff out of my house and interact with other people, besides the ones I see every single day. Or maybe I need to just sleep an entire day away and then I'll wake up feeling super refreshed and ready to take on the whole world! Like I said before, I just don't have a clue.
I'm thinking of discussing with my doctor about trying metformin. I've heard it can help with weight loss and I would really like to start focusing on that again. Exercise helped me last year when we were going through court with baby mama drama. I'm sure it can help me again...I just need to find that motivation I had!! Just get off my lazy ass and do it; do something...anything.

I just need to get my heart back in it.