Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Plan A revision B (round 1 failure)

I went back in to the archives and realized that you guys have not been updated on how our first round with Femara is going. Well...not so good. 
As you know, the last day of Femara (day 5) happened to fall on the day that my Pop passed. In order to help my Nana with the arrangements, and to help fill the silence, I was down in Tucson (my home town) until after Thanksgiving. This time happened to encompass the day that I had an ultrasound scheduled for follicle growth. I called my doctor's office (which is 100+ miles away from Tucson) to see what we could do. Did they want me to find somewhere down in Tucson and get an ultrasound and send it? Or were we ok to skip it? I didn't want the round to be a complete loss, seeing as how I had already taken all of the Femara dosage. Plus, my Nana didn't really want us to give up that month either. I honestly think she's more excited than we are! The nurse told me that my doctor was confident that we could skip this ultrasound since it was only the first month, just to make sure I get the blood test confirming ovulation when I get back (after the positive opk). She also said if I felt any pain around ovulation time, I should go to a doctor immediately. So onward and forwards!
Cycle day 16 rolls around and I have a positive ovulation test. I call the doctor and schedule the blood test for 7 days after. My blood test was this past Saturday. I just got a call from the nurse and apparently, my progesterone was not where they would like to confirm ovulation. She said, "We saw a 1 when we would like to see a 3." I'm assuming she means levels? Anyways, she then told me that my doctor is therefore amending our Get Lindsay Knocked up Plan A. Here is the revised plan:

Cycle day 1 - call office
Cycle day 3 - start Femara
Cycle day 7 - last dose of Femara
Cycle day 12 - Ultrasound to check follicle growth
Cycle day 12-?? - Trigger Shot depending on follicle growth
After trigger shot, hump like rabbits, then wait for BFP (wishful thinking). 

The major changes to the plan are the absolute ultrasound and the infamous trigger shot. I've been doing what I can to try and google research this plan and what my progesterone test means, but I just find chat rooms that date back to 2007 or earlier! Do you guys have any insight? Any info at all is very helpful :)

The funny thing is that once I got off the phone with the nurse, I felt relieved and that same excitement I felt in the beginning. My relief came from the fact that I don't necessarily have to count down the days until Saturday anymore (14 days after positive opk; no period; pregnancy test). Sure, I could still be pregnant, but when my doctor is already planning our next plan-of-attack, I know my chances are slim to none. And while that is, in itself, a bit of a heartbreak, it's also great news to my ears. The doctor told me when she gave me the prescription for Femara, and when we nailed down the details for Plan A, that Curtis and I are lumped in to the "unexplained infertility" category. My heart sank when she said that because "unexplained" means "we don't know why, so we can't really fix it". The more we find out what is wrong with my body, the more explaining we're doing...which means we're working at "fixing" it. That's where my renewed excitement comes in! The more we (meaning my doctor and I) know, I feel, the better off we are.
Now, instead of counting down the hours until Saturday comes, and wondering if every time I pee, that if I see blood I'm going to have an emotional breakdown, I can sit back and recharge the batteries until Mother Nature takes over and we begin again.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Things not to say to a TTC-er: Round 2

These gems are ones that I've been getting of late that are really starting to get on my nerves:

"Oh my gosh! You're so young though! You have plenty of time..."
Have you ever talked to a woman who has gone through infertility? One that has exhausted every medical procedure she can; spent years putting her body through scientific research over and over? They will all tell you the same thing: I wish I had started sooner. Honest! The book I bought a few months ago (that I'm still reading because it scares me and I have to work up the courage to read each chapter) says that very sentence constantly! They tell of stories of women who just wait it out with their spouses until they hit 30. Then, when that damned internal clock goes off, they try really hard for 1 year. Now we're talking a year has passed. Some even wait for 2 years! Then it's off to the specialist and treatment begins. Sometimes, by the time they get to the really hard procedures, the woman is 35+ and the doctors are telling you that you're now facing all the added age factors of infertility: loss of eggs, bad egg quality, etc., etc. Why shouldn't I start now? It's not like we're IVF-ing off the friggin' get-go! Yes, I have time. Time to treat, then rest in between. Time to save for IVF, God forbid we get that far. Or hell, even adoption. I know what I want and I'm doing what I want. Get over my age.

"I know this couple that tried so hard to have a baby...I mean YEARS...Finally they gave up and went to church and BAM, they were pregnant."
Ok, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a very religious person. I wasn't raised one and I haven't made up my mind now that I'm older. I'll also admit that I have not read the bible. I cannot quote it, I have no idea what's in it besides the ten commandments and the same old tattoos everyone gets. But, the way I see it  is that God knows everything. He's omnipotent. So, if I'm not a very religious person and I don't talk to him all the time...then I just start going to church and praying...isn't he gonna know it's for my own selfish gain? Isn't he kinda against that? It just seems contradictory to me. If I'm going to start going to church and trying to have a relationship with God, I don't really want it to start out fraudulently. What do I look like? Kim Kardashian? 
(Please no religious debates. I don't really want that on my blog. If you think I'm a jerk or something, please just stop reading. Insight and prayers are always welcome though!)

"You're trying to hard.." and *See above quote, but focus on the "gave up" part*
Apparently, I'm not trying hard enough! Look, I've honestly tried that whole, "God, no, please don't let me be preggers! That would really suck!!" I was fooling NO ONE. My husband was laid off of work for a year. I lived with my Mother-in-law TWICE. We were struggling just to get by with what little bills we had on my salary. I went through a court battle earlier this year that I could barely afford. If there were ever moments in my life that being pregnant or having a baby would've sucked, I think those top them. So the whole "not trying" thing just doesn't work out, because even when the times occurred, I still wanted one. The heart wants what it wants...you tell me how the hell I'm supposed to shut it off! Or become a better liar at least..

"It's just not your time"
Well what do I have to do to make it "my time"? Be 16? Be on government assistance? Have a one-night stand? This one is the one that gets me every time and I literally want to kick people in the taco when I hear it. I take it as an insult. I don't know what "dues" I have to pay in order to have it be "my time", but I'll fucking pay them right now. It's usually people that already have kids that say that shit. Could you imagine saying that to a woman who had a miscarriage? Or another woman who can't afford adoption because she spent every penny she had on fertility treatments and still nothing is working? It's inconsiderate and beyond rude. It may not be my time to get pregnant, but it sure as hell is your time to catch my fist in your mouth.

I understand that people generally don't know what to say to women dealing with infertility. I really do get it. But before you open your mouth...before you say ANYTHING to me...just put yourself in my shoes. Imagine what I must be going through as woman...as a human being with feelings and insecurities. If you still can't think of anything besides the above to say, just stick with this: "I'll keep you in my thoughts/prayers." That's honestly, one of my favorites, because I need all the help I can get some days!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Just once

I would love for someone to take a picture of my face when someone is telling me that they are pregnant, or that so-and-so is pregnant, or so-and-so's wife went to labor. Just once. Am I doing a good job hiding my internal cringing, jealousy and longing? Or am I not fooling anyone like I think I am?

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Short hiatus

I wanted to make a quick post regarding the short hiatus I've taken. On Thursday, November 17th my grandfather passed away. My Pop, as most of us called him, was like a father to me and his death has been a blow that has been hard to take. While he had been sick for quite some time, the weekend prior had been looking up. Unfortunately, he was just too tired to continue the fight and we had to say goodbye. Since then I've been staying with my Nana to help fill the silence and assist with the memorial preparations. My Pop was truly a great man and I'm finding it hard to accept that he was unable to meet my future children. Thankfully, we have plenty of stories to fill the void! Remind me to share some of them here with you all.
Until I return with some updates, please keep my family in your prayers for the upcoming holiday season.
Thanks,
Lindsay